When I work with clients, I have them use the model by therapist Michael Dye. He has people fill in a chart listing out the offender, the offense and then the debt owed. It is the debt part of this exercise that is profound. Typically, we are taught to forgive the offense and the offender, but we do not pay heed to the ramifications of the offense in our current lives. However, unless you actually know what you are forgiving a person for – meaning what debt you are releasing them from – it is impossible to truly forgive them. If you try to address the offense, but never dig deeper to the debt, you will be spinning your wheels.
The best way of clarifying the debt is by asking yourself: If it was a perfect world and he hadn’t done that to me, what would I have? What did he steal from me? What did I lose because of what he did? What would be different in my life now?
Acknowledging the debt and choosing to forgive is the path to freedom in your present life. Many of the success gurus (think Jack Canfield, Anthony Robbins and others), acknowledge that in order to move on to the future, we must fully resolve the past. Canfield calls it the “need to complete the past to embrace the future”. Lack of forgiveness is an anchor which holds us back from moving forward in life.
You might not be in the place right now where you are ready to forgive and that's ok. Just tuck this information into the back of your mind so that you can use it when you are ready. In the meantime, know that I am deeply moved by your story and applaud your ability to make excellent choices!
Great point E!
I think we all need to acknowledge the debt in our individual siuations.
Debt my X owes me: 1. Ability to trust others. 2. Innocence/goodness of R and M 3. My family unit 4. My Home 5. My Dog 6. My credit 7. Friendships etc...
