EA or PA, you emasculated your husband for quite a long time by having a quasi-sexual relationship with another man while you were married. He is not going to get over this quickly because it would be easier for you if he did. There's a lot of good books about EAs and how they are as damaging as PAs and, in many cases, worse than one night stands because they involve a chosen pattern of deception that takes place over time and also an addiction to getting needs met from a fantasy life.
You may know you've caused pain, but do you know what a true apology, remorse, and amends look like to your H? Some partners' apologies come across as "make me feel better for what I did to you." That could be why he's not responding. That or time. There are many good books on communicating remorse in a way that others can "hear" and recognize as real. Beating yourself up in your own mind does not communicate remorse. It does not show evidence of commitment to change. It also can come across as disrespect to ask an emasculated, wounded spouse to "get over it" on your timeline. There are many good books on this topic.
Still, it was a choice and you have breached his trust. How can he be sure you will not make that choice again if he does not act or perform in a way you want him to? Many people prefer to be in relationships with people that, even if they are not perfect (or distant, or whatever) for however many years, their partner would drag them to marital therapy or just plain divorce them before choosing to emasculate them. Maybe your H is one of those. Only time will tell if he will ever trust you again.
Maybe you should not even try to fix your M because of basic personality differences. Maybe he will always feel distant and you will choose EAs or whatever again instead of something constructive. Maybe that is what he is thinking about. There are people one these boards (and I'm not one of them) who have undergone this situation multiple times from their partners. Maybe he fears becoming one of those men.
