how do i keep my hope alive?

[talia]

TTA,
Everything you are feeling is PERFECTLY normal and you need to allow yourself to FEEL all of it. You SHOULD be mad and sad and frusterated and everything else. Its part of the natural grieving process. This is a good place to start in IC. D is just like a death and you need to honor the grieving process. Do some reading on the grieving process - it will help you make sense of what you are feeling and how NORMAL it all is. Don't allow yourself to deny those feelings - you need to honor them to process them.

I think your sadness for H is a clear sign of what a GOOD EMPATHETIC person you are. Don't beat yourself up for being that... its an excellent personal quality!! Just keep meeting your own EN's - and being civil to H. He does seem to be looking for you to meet his - and you just can't right now. Maybe you can think of it as lending money. A friend comes to you and is in desperate need to borrow some cash. You feel terrible for that person, understand their situation etc, but you simply do not have the extra money to give, so you say no. You would NEVER take out a loan yourself to give $ to that person, right? IF you had the extra cash you would, but you aren't going to put yourself at risk for them.... Now substitute your emotional well being with $. You only have enough "emotional cash" to pay your bills right now. You don't have any extra to lend to H. Does that make any sense??

Don't let yourself dwell on what H's communications "MIGHT" have been. You have no way of knowing. He probably doesn't even know yet what he is/isn't feeling. You need to protect your PMA. I'm not saying you can't give H more time- I think that time is your friend. But you keep getting advice to make decisions based on what H might be feeling and its WRONG. You make the best decision for you - EVERY TIME. No matter what your decision might do to H. Things will work out as they will. NOTHING you do/don't do with be the ONE THING that pushes him in any direction. You can see you are getting good results with the approach of being civil but distant and it IS good for you mentally.

You are GOING to miss him- that's natural. Just don't let the loneliness, fear and anxiety be the emotions that fuel your decisions - and NO mind reading. Do whats best for you first - the rest will come with time.

I TOTALLY agree with City girl!

Focus on your trip!!! Its a great GAL!!

T