How does everyone quote previous posts?? I cannot seem to do it ; )
Husband called this morning and asked if I got his email. I told him that it was not necessary to send me that kind of stuff. Used Puppy's statement- I need a commitment..not compliance. He agreed..said that none of that will make a difference. He proceeded to say that only time will allow me to trust him. He needs to continuously do the right thing and at some point..I will realize that he can be trusted again.
He told me that his affair was to compensate for his unhappiness. He never replaced things from his childhood that made him happy and he was resorting back to childish ways. Acting like a boy instead of a man. (said this revelation was a result of therapy). I asked him if he has given any thought to what the 'replacement' will be? (like having an affair was ever a good replacement). ughh. Response: working on it.
He proceeded to tell me that there was nothing good that came out of his affair. He doesn't like the person he has become. He doesn't like the way he has acted. It has changed his personality. He risked his career..had to lie to his boss. He has lost touch with his friends and family. of course hurt me. This is how he is getting thru this..and ending it for good...by reminding himself that this affair was an addiction and not good for him.
He wants to work on our marriage. I told him that I didn't want our marriage back. If we were going to work on this.. I refuse to have gone thru all this hell to not get something even better than what we had before. I mentioned this in previous posts...our marriage really wasn't plagued with too many issues- just the normal stuff. I always felt like his affair was a result of his own issues. But there are quite a few areas that I would like to improve...especially his moodiness. I asked him if he recognized that he is suffering from depression. He told me that his therapist never called it that...he was just unhappy. I really hope that his therapist does his job...it is so clear to all around him that he is suffering from something..not just "I miss my childhood blues".
He wants to come home at the end of the month. I told him that I didn't think it was a good idea. I wanted him to extend his lease. He didn't understand why. I told him that I didn't want to watch him lick his wounds after ending this affair and I still needed to sort out my feelings about everything. I also told him that I think we needed to get to know eachother again. We haven't been intimate since November and I am not ready for it. I am just not ready for him to come home.. I didn't want to say that I needed to see improvement in him..because then I felt like that would put me back in the 'mother' role..monitoring his actions. I just need to feel 'safe' to allow him back into my life. His timely 'epiphany' does not leave a warm and comfy feeling in my stomach. He made a joke that I just didn't want him to come home because I have a girls weekend plan (bunch of my friends escaping their lives to my house for a weekend of spa, wine, and food). I didn't tell him that 'girls weekend' is this weekend.
We discussed going to MC in addition to him continuing to go to IC. We have never done MC before and I am wondering how this is going to work. If we/I decide to work on this marriage..I need the dynamics to change. I feel like he has had the upper hand for so long. All of you are right...it needs to be a partnership..companionship. I am just scared to death. He went back to the OW after 4 months. What are my boundaries here? What message am I sending if I try again? That it is OK to have an affair if you are down or depressed? I also don't want to give up on my marriage because I don't believe my husband to be a serial cheater. I think this will be his one and only affair...but I have been wrong about a lot of things.
