WAW Using God II

[pigskin]

"I just told her don't be, you can't help what you feel."

Uh yes she can. It's called free will. It's called choice. If she CHOOSES to stay in the relationship and acts on it, the feelings will follow.

With all this talk of God, have you thought of going to Retrouvaille?

Okay I think the biggest problem with your conversation with her was that you were validating some of the wrong things. After everything she was rambling on about, just say, "I see why you might have felt that way."

Never say, "I understand your feelings" because truth is you don't. All you want to do is agree that she views her perspective a certain way. Then stick to your guns and say "I believe..."

Your W sounds like she's going through a major midlife crisis and is using God to okay her childish behavior. Well last time I checked, your W was an adult. With adult responsibilities. God isn't going to show her the way because she doesn't want to be found. She's fine being confused right now. So let her be. Think of her as the Prodigal Son. If she wants to come back home, she knows where to find you.

All the stuff about how she was "reaching out" to you over her vacation, then turning around and saying that she doesn't know if she can trust God yet. Give me a break.

God is just God. You take Him or leave Him. He doesn't have to prove anything. It's up to us to prove that we are worthy of Him. So I wouldn't get into the God issue anymore with your W. Get her away from thinking about divine intervention and more about how she is going to fix the mortal mess that she made.

We went to Retrouvaille last year, and it helped communication a lot. But she had not dropped her EA, so it didn't have the effect I was hoping for, which is why they want third party relationships ended before you go.

I know what you are saying Bond. I was trying to get her to understand that I hear what she says she is feeling. And putting myself in her shoes, I see how difficult it would be.

The flip flopping is just brutal, but I can't say it is unexpected. I was prepared for it, and even prayed before our conversation that I would be open minded, not emotional, and have the courage and strength to say and do the right things to further our marriage cause.

She keeps saying she has cut off the OM but it is obvious she hasn't done so in her mind. She hears everyone around her countering her position, and that plays into her belief that to give in would be to do what she has always done, which is to act based on what others want, not what she wants.

She's such a mixed bag of emotions. She doesn't like when I go dark on her, and when her depression kicks in she seems to validate her feelings by telling herself I'm not supporting her. I guess I have to mix up my approach a bit. If the OM is truly out of the picture then it seems OK to reach out to her. I just don't want to be burned by cake eating again.