flowmom | shifting from devastated to rebuilding

[CityGirl]

Very nice job on the phone call. It was more than rude, it was disrespectful to you and your children. What if your son had heard him call you his ex-wife? Was your H prepared to explain to your son why he called you that?

I understand you are in a tough spot because your children want to see their dad each night but it's not good for you. Detaching is more difficult when you don't have space and having to see your H every night isn't helping.

The pain can feel unbearable but you have to dive right in the pain. You can't walk around it or avoid it. You have to let yourself feel what you need to feel.

I do agree that it is much easier to detach when the WAS is acting like an ass. I found that sometimes when I detached myself from the situation it became easier to detach from the R (or former R).

I am sorry that comment hurt you. I am very glad your children were sleeping and did not hear it. I am also glad you stood up for yourself and kept your emotions in check. You did lots of good work today!

[flowmom]

So I got this email from H after he left:

I'm sorry that I was indiscreet tonight. I don't often get a chance to talk to that particuliar friend, and thought I could be quiet enough to share my perspective with him (not that I should be giving anyone advice these days). But I shouldn't air my laundry when you or the kids are there, even when theyre asleep

Sorry

So I guess he doesn't need me to tell him not to talk about that stuff in front of the children.

I talked to BIL tonight, my sister's H. He was very frank with me how he thought I'd be better off without H and that he thought that H has been trying to get *me* to leave *him* for years with his behaviours. BIL felt that I couldn't have done anything to address our M problems because H was so obviously not playing ball, for years. BIL thinks there's no chance for R, and he's a former WAH so he has an informed opinion.

I'm starting to suspect that when we went into MC Dec 2008, that's when H was really done. Going to MC was his last-ditch token effort at reconciliation and when we stopped going in May 2009 he completely checked out of the M. I dealt with a lot of anger and hostility from him between then and the bomb last Dec. There was the occasional mind-f-ing exceptionally wonderful moment that I took as a ray of hope...but to H they were probably him taking the car out for a spin around the block before driving it to the dump. All the tests that I must have failed, when I was preoccupied with cooking his elaborate diet and doing mountains of laundry and trying to get help for S6 and sleep deprived, etc.

I feel so stupid. And sad that the beautiful man that I married seems to be gone.

[Vulcanized]

(((flowmom)))

I'm sorry. It will get better.

[Butterfly1]

((FM)) you are not stupid - He is. First of all that thing he did on the phone was total passive aggressive crap meant to hurt you. Seriously! And in front of the children, asleep or not. You have an enormous job being an at home mom, of a special needs child and a toddler, and a homeschooler. MOst people wouldn't be able to think straight in that situation. And to get no support from H on top of that. Think about it. You are total supermom and get no respect for that. Don't take him being a jerk personally. HE is acting really awful but don't put yourself down because of it! You are also not stupid for loving your husband and your family and trying to hold it all together.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. TIme to work on your self esteem. WRiting out that toxic list was a great start - to seeing things clearly. Now when you aren't so tired, go back and look at the list and start writing out small changes you can make. And think about something you can do to boost your self esteem. You deserve it.

[Kalni]

flo,
you will hear different oppinions, everyone has one ,keep in mind where everyone comes from.

We've done the MC appointement a year before he moved out. At that time, I had no idea what was going on. He had checked out and was doing his last ditch effort as well. He even used that apt later to prove to me he had done all he could. Yeah right!!

When I said active parent I was mistaken. My kids actually saw my H a lot more than they did when he was staying with us the last year before the separation. But it would be ONLY when he could and felt like it. He had the luxury to use work, sicknesses, schedule, the weather if he wanted to avoid his responibilities. I am grateful he never abandoned the kids or has flaky with the money. But he had removed himself from our daily routine and life. I consider that cake eating...

Please, think of what you want/need. Stick to it, set a deadline to yourself if you need to and focus on you. Dont allow him and his actions to affect you so much... It sucks, I know. You go back and forth bewteen extremes, you love him and hate him. You are angry/hurt, disappointed/hopefull. You feel devasted you feel strong. It's all normal. Learn to recognise your lows, it's a cycle, when you hit one, wait it out, sooth your self, dont despare. (My group of DEAR friends here back in 2007, used to help each other identify our lows and supported each other till it would pass).

Read Passionate Marriage. Ignore the title, it will help you a lot to detach and be able to comfort YOURSELF without needing anyone to do it for you.
K

[newmama]

We've all been told we'd be better off without our spouses. Remember what MWD warns- people say that because they don't want to see us in pain.

Your H avoided the "ex wife" comment altogether in his email.

[courageous wife]

FM- I like what Kalni says about the cycles! I think you are in a low one right now. What NM said too! I need to read your toxic list...hang in there!

[CityGirl]

You are not stupid. I can understand why you would feel that way but you are NOT stupid.

I agree about the cycles of the highs and lows. The good thing about being in a low cycle is the only way out is UP. Sometimes it is a slow climb up but take heart in knowing step by step it can and will happen.

I also agree that looking over the list you made y'day and making solid goals with active steps and time lines on how to change some of those things FOR YOU will be helpful and a way for you to take control of your own life.

The one "benefit" the LBS has that will remain with them for the rest of their lives is the ability to pick themselves up in the very worst of times. Sure, we all have had to do that before but IMO this situation is by far one of the most complex. Now, if I can do it so can you. It will take time. It will take baby steps. It will happen.

I think you might find (or at least I did) that once you start doing things to improve your life you will feel empowered. That is not to say you won't feel sad or angry but a tiny piece of you will feel empowered. And it's pretty good feeling to have.

Just to be clear I am not suggesting you give up on your M or anything of the sort. I am not saying don't be hopeful that something between you and your H can improve. What I am saying is right now the best course of action is to tackle that list you made and get yourself in order. That has to come first.

[DiamondGirl]

(((FlowMom)))

You are definitely not stupid. You are a woman who loves her husband. Other people won't get it because they don't feel it and haven't had the emotional history with him to know him as you do. They just see the actions, not what's underneath.

Hang in there... the low will pass...

[luvless]

I feel so stupid. And sad that the beautiful man that I married seems to be gone.

(((((FM)))))))

Mine seems to have gone too...it's gonna be ok.