After seeing a movie with a friend last night, we ended up hanging out in the theater lobby eating popcorn.
Somehow I was talking about deep gut wrenching moments in my life, marriage unintentionally. I spoke of how my husband helped pull me from the brink of absolute despair, how his words saved me, helping me to help myself.
I spoke of his bizarre manic episodes, how I was by his side, how frightening it was.. wondering how I could work, have a child and a spouse with that condition. He never wanted to be hospitalized, so we did everything possible to make sure that didn't happen.
With a divorce, history is rewritten. What was good in a marriage is supplanted by what was bad. In marriage you work as a team, embracing the strengths and work with the weaknesses. In divorce everything bad surfaces and everything good washes under its mucky surface. Perhaps it's the death throes of a marriage that causes all the emotional spewing, irrational behavior, entitlement, crazy legal fees and fear.
Those anecdotes shared revealed the unconditional love on both our parts in different times in our marriage. And the difficulties each of us managed with the other. Where we worked as a team. It was good to know snippets of what was truly love.
And yet.. the marriage failed. When fingers start pointing, there's no end.. and the hurt, animosity, blame, distrust grows. My thought.. "It was good. It broke. It wasn't fixed." sums up what happened. I can look back and wonder if he ever loved me, when he started pulling away, when I got angry and lonely.. but that's like doing gymnastics in an ice rink. It doesn't get me anywhere but hurt.
I guess.. at least for me at this point in my healing.. that it's not worth getting entangled about what was terrible or great. Emotional distress colors perceptions.
I'd like to get to the point where I don't fret about his actions toward me. And actually it's down just a few more bits to be wrapped up. And then it's done.
Just remember that his anger, his aggression , his pettiness...none of those are about you. He must feel really terrible about himself deep down. My it is sooo much easier for you to be his scape goat then for him to face the failures of his own making.
Once you really get that it is about them and not really so much about you, the hurt begins to recede. Sure there are things that we did wrong but nothing we did made them be unfaithful. That my dear is all theirs.
Huge hugs to you. kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Uhh.. that only worked for me once twenty something years ago.
Originally Posted By: Gypsy
It's odd. The former spouse would sometimes provoke me to where I'd get so angry.. and then.. shebang.. I could accomplish all sorts of things.
So which is it? Only worked once twenty years ago or an external version of it has worked all along?
Pick a topic. 500 words on it. Give yourself a deadline. Then visualize that sneering, dismissive challenge, sit at your keyboard and then just go at it.
What the hell.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Clinging he left 2 years ago, the divorce was final a year ago. I'm also working on dropping a lifetime's worth of baggage, too.
Interesting day... found out through my son's girlfriend that that he would love to see me bring a guy home, date. I said it would be a good thing for him to say to me. (Oh so want to avoid communication via a third party.)
But I ended up feeling a strange sense of relief.. almost like a load lifted that I didn't know I was carrying. I've felt kinda weepy all day.. with a headache too. His dad and I have always been polar opposites. The dad runs away, I, the mom, get protective. So perhaps I'll be more likely to step out. Didn't want to consider it until the kids felt secure.
Also had counseling today and told about the grueling exchange with the former spouse and how exhausting it was. I've been seeing her for a few months shy of two years. She made a list of the standard progression of communication between the former spouse and me:
Old Tape/Regular MO
1. Resist/refuse X 2. To insist on an explanation of X 3. To refuse the explanation of X 4. To insist on a visual of X 5. To continue to refuse. 6. To critique everything that I've done 7. To tell me what I should have done/should do. 8. Above = He again has gotten out of doing X because he has not changed or grown.
It's just exhausting dealing with him. Those interactions pull me down. He's toxic to me. My counselor can always tell when I've had to communicate with him.. I'm just so.. beaten? Especially when he's a horsie in a well, as Kerry so helpfully illustrated.
And after an emotional wrangle, I find I try and find ways to think that's he's a 'good' guy.. that some how I've misunderstood his actions. That is just old thinking on my part.. not wanting to accept that he's intentionally being a jerk.. that it must be me.
And that reminds me why no longer having him in my life is a good thing.. because that is what the relationship had devolved to, whether he realized it or not. Heck.. I didn't.. just figured I was always on eggshells and always at fault.
Anyway.. I'm tired.. but I don't think it's all bad. Just tired from having carried a load, too pooped to enjoy the relief. (Sheesh, that came out wrong!)(Damn.. did it again!)
You have been divorced for a year...your son wants you to move on....get a boyfriend. I know this place is a vehicle to vent and perhaps express yourself in ways you could not elsewhere. however, something tells me that there are similarities with what you write here and your real life thoughts. I am no counselor but it is time you put your XH (who I believe is remarried) behind you Gyps. Get out there and do some stuff...like dancing.....and who cares if a guy hits on you....stay, don't run. Get in shape thsi summer for next year's skiing season. Get out there...it is almost spring. XH and the past takes up waaaay too much space in the Gyps ''testa''. Take a language course, perhaps in Italian to freshen up ... meet some folks.
When you can snatch the pebble form my hand grashopper....it will be time for you to leave..... (your past behind).
Your XH is like most WASs here: totally self-absorbed, putting their perceived need for "happiness" at the base of their "Maslowe's Hierarchy of Needs"! I saw a great slogan on a parent's bag in my school the other day. "The Search for Happiness is the Biggest Cause of Unhappiness"! Perfect!
Many of us who have been left continuously examine "What must I have done to make this happen?" Let it go. It doesn't matter. THEY were searching for something they will not find.
Great idea about getting in shape. You know I always harp on that for you! Get out and walk, Rent space in your own head and evict him....."The Warrior" that he dubbed himself! LMAO!
