Hi- I really do see it both ways. Sometimes the roller coaster just hits. Was chatting w my mom Sunday night telling her I was frustrated how awful/sad I felt again, after feeling so done a few days before, and that was her response: 'it is a roller coaster, and likely will be for awhile' Not to mean you need to stay on it...I have been through enough dips in the process to know you can get yourself out of them, they don't last forever, but they do really hurt at the time.
And I realize the more harsh/tough approach does not work w my H. Being greeable and amicable does more (not to mean I'm going to let him walk all over me). Here's the thing - in some ways I feel the email was a backslide for me b.c now that this process is rolling/becoming more final, I feel myself wanted to grasp on more..I'm feeling it harder to move on all over again. I wish I had followed the 'if it's not going to hurt you legally or emotionally just wait' track. I don't want to have a part in making this final/happen. I think it would be easier to accept this if I did nothing (and still moved on) and let him take action when the time is right. I felt so much better before this recent exchange we had...and I wish I could continue that process. I felt fine and strong past couple of weeks...the reality and finality always makes it so much harder.
And here's the thing - I now feel like I do not want to sign anything. I want to move to CA and continue to heal and get on with my life, but I still don't want to make this final. Fighting him on the D at this point prob not good, but I don't want to do anything right now when I am a bit stressed about move and other stuff in my life.
I guess I am just feeling really really sad. And I know it won't last forever...I go through the motions and will myself to get out of this place (I've done it before - I know I can), but I feel that wave of being totally heartbroken again. I cried to sleep a bit last night..just feeling so sad about how his family has made zero contact w me this past year, just totally written me off (I know that hurts my mom too, she's written Xmas cards to them and just wanted to keep peace)...it's sad how someone can be a part of your life - larger extended fam that is - and then just basically make you feel you never existed. It hurts. I'm sad that he walked and took the easy way out...sometimes I feel disbelief still a bit over the whole thing, other times much more ok with it.
I was in church on Sunday thinking about how I was 8-10 months ago..I remembered going to church and feeling so anxious I could barely sit still. This past Sunday I felt calm, ok, relaxed. Now those anxiety feelings are back again. But I had them last Dec when we met and he gave me the simple paperwork - I felt like i was going to fall apart - and then a few days later back home with friends and fam I felt fine. So that's the roller coaster I guess.
I want to continue to heal. I want to be OK. Happy. Love again. Right now I'm fighting it again though, I'm sad...I feel like I miss him again, somehow. Sometimes the loss just cuts so deep. I lost my father 8 yrs ago and this pain is definitely so much worse. At the same time I've had way more happy/fun times than sad times over these past 6 months, and I'd like that to continue.
We have our tax call tonite...keeping it simple and businesslike. We've had decent/kind text/email exchanges these past few days. I emailed him Mon night saying I'd be happy to work w him on being more flexible, but please don't blame me for things that are consquences of your not wanting to be married again. He emailed back an apology and saying we both had a role in getting where we were, let's just move past that and keep ourselves in a good place.
I move in 1 wk from today. I just don't want to be part of pushing this process forward right now. If he presents me w papers (he said he called the courthouse this wk to inquire about forms, I know my email/our discussion prompted him to do this...that's why I was feeling some regret..I don't want to be part of pushing this along). I want to be in a better state/probably in CA when I feel more OK doing this. Maybe it's avoidance...but I don't want to do this. I am still fighting the D internally right now. I try to practice acceptance but I am having a hard time now.. How do I continue to DB and heal myself now?
Back on the road to meetings, will check inlater tonite Thanks guys, hugs hhh
