Soaring Solo 2010

[Gardener]

Hey, G-Woman,

At some point.. and it's a journey.. probably more so than the divorce process.. at least for me.. I work to let it go. And quite a few may point out that I still don't move quite on.

Oh, you move on all right. Admirably so, imo. But for me I think of the movement, not the rate. I'm moving, at least. At last.

As is always the case, so many things were in stages (Bomb, Move out day, changing "brief respite" to full-blown S, "I may not be re-entering our M," "I want a D"), that it's been, among other things, 16 months of "false starts," of being constantly emotionally poised, tensed ("Ready! Set!") and then...no pistol.

And all this while DBing the whole time, trying to convince the starter to never pull the trigger. To put. The pistol. Down.

On D Day 2/09, no more false starts. The starter's pistol went off. I'm just now meandering away from my starting blocks asking, "Go? I can go, now? That was the pistol, right? It did go off? Okay, then. I'm going now...

There's a difference between always being nice and being healthy, having boundaries. Did you really want her in the house or were you being magnanimous, a good host? Which is true, your email reply of 'not wanting to get together with the taxes' or opening the home to her?

Both. It wasn't my automatic Mr. Nice Guy response, nor was it magnanimous. Just polite. It was cold. I'd have said the same thing to a neighbor.

Which is true? The "I don't want to get together with you," is true.

Something broke.
It wasn't fixed.

Yep. But she of the dead cold eyes and look of disdain waits months until we're just about to throw the broken thing away to suddenly (and emotionally) blurt out a "I'm sorry I broke it, why did I break it?" (1/17) and then a "You're right; we could have fixed it, here's what I did to break it, I wish I hadn't broken it." (1/23). And what I heard was genuine. Sincere.

That really effed with my head. Guess it still is effing with my head since I revisit it.

Thanks.


((()))