MLC - standing by my man

[1000ships]

Mila,

As a thank you for him giving her a good deal on the job she invited us to stay at her ski condo. So believe it or not my husband took us to this woman’s condo for 3 days, we slept in her bed, cooked in her kitchen, soaked in her hot tub… and my daughter wrote a nice note in the guest book “Thank you for letting our family stay at your beautiful place we really enjoyed it” and D16 drew a picture of our “happy family”. Every time I think about it I want to kill him. How dare he.

But now she will have a permanent reminder of her adulterous sin. Let it fester.

planning to order "Private Lies" by Frank S. Pittman and "Surviving the Male Mid-Life Crisis" by Henry Still. If anyone knows the last two books let me know if they are worth ordering.

Frank Pittman's book is one of my favourite of most infidelity books.

I also recommend
Men in Midlife Crisis By Jim Conway
And I can't recall the title--about MLC By Peter O'Connor--it is out of print bu can be found on Amazon through used sellers.

I have a question. Since he moved out all parenting is up to me. He doesn't offer to help with daughter, driving her to school, lessons, work etc. That makes it more difficult for me to schedule any "fun" free time for myself, because it seams that I'm always on call to drive her somewhere. So far I didn't ask him for any help with that. Should I? Or should I just let him be. I'm kind of confused because the advice for MLC said not to make any demands.

I don't have an answer. Jack is right about you being a single parent, but DB'ing is about balance. Balance not making demands with not doing everything for him which can lead to cake-eating and you being like a mommy to him. Part of setting boundaries can be creating Self time. Let your MLCer know that you are busy during such-and-such time AND, if he asks, politely include that what you are doing is not his business. You are in business together and have a daughter. He also has responsibilities.

He started to cry and said that he is very upset that I don't trust him (seriously?) that I should know him that he would never abandon us or the business.

Yeah...seriously. This is typical MLC.
He already has abandoned you.

Trust him when he proves he is trustworthy. If you want to remain married; no OW is a requirement for that.

So after a long discussion I agreed to stay in business with him. I was thinking that maybe it's a good thing, It would keep us in touch and talking (we always worked great together) and I will have a chance to DB.

It will be a challenge; but I think so too. You seem strong.

I told him that I'm sorry that he is upset at me for talking to OW husband that we just talk to each other for support.

Good validation. Also, if he is choosing to leave your marriage, he has no say over who you choose to speak with. It is typical for him to be upset about these calls--how would you feel if the roles were reversed. Two betrayed people talking to each other...who knows what they are planning, or what secreted are being revealed? It scares the adulterers

Then WH said that he is upset because he would like to talk to me about "things" that are on his mind but doesn't because he doesn't want me to tell the husband. I told him that I would never tell anything to anyone if he ask's me not to and that I'm here anytime he needs to talk. He started to cry and said "I don't have anyone else to tell things, thank you".

I find this intriguing any comments?

It means you have done well DB'ing. You have a foundation of trust and you remain his comfort zone.
But as Bworl said, I would be wary of using universal modifiers. You need to do what is best with the changing situation. It may be best for your marriage and your MLCer if in some circumstances you reveal something your MLCer tells you.

You need a boundary about discussing the OW. He should not discuss her--to do so is cruel. That doesn't mean that both of you pretend there is no infidelity. But you are not supposed to console him when his adulterous relationship is not going well.

He should also not be doing side work through the business for the OW. Anything he does on his own is his business--unless he is attempting to return.

HUGS

[Cadet]

Me

You can make up a fake FB account with a fake e-mail address

Mila

I have to think about this. We are on our own (business) sever and my WH can see all activity and e-mail addresses. Don't know, have to give it some thought...

Thinking about this. You are being controlled by H in this instance. You should go to an internet cafe, library, friends house set up a hotmail address, then set up alt. After that you really don't need the e-mail address on your server. How is it that you are using DB W/O him knowing?
You need to keep DB a secret from him too! I agree that you should also keep alt from him!

[Mila]

Thanks Bill, you are right, the line is not clear AT ALL. Sometimes it's hard to say which actions are helping my case. I want to show him my support and that I'm the ONLY one that he can trust and rely on.

I didn't promise him that I will not talk to OW husband, but I did say that when he tells me something in confidence that he does not want the husband to know I will not tel him.

This is to encourage WH to talk to me about his feelings about us and his doubts about what he is doing. Obviously he doesn't want that to get to the OW.

And yes I see your point about the never and always. I have to watch that

[Mila]

1000ships, thanks so much for your insight. You made some very valid points.

I really like this one: But now she will have a permanent reminder of her adulterous sin. Let it fester. That is...let it fester - if she has any conscience.

And I will order all of the books that you suggested.

WH & I still have a very strong bond. I know that he trusts me and values my opinion. I also see that he is hurting and definitely doesn't seem happy (He should be; he got what he wanted, right?)

But I have to watch that "mommy" thing. He does have the tendency to use me. Yesterday he attempted to talk to me about the OW and how SHE is feeling and what SHE (poor thing) has to go through - I cut him off and said that I don't care about her.

The being in business together is a challenge. It keeps the communication open and the DB going, however I don’t want him to “cake eat”.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

The being in business together is a challenge. It keeps the communication open and the DB going, however I don’t want him to “cake eat”.

Cake Eating...

That's up to you.

An Aside...WTF does "You want your cake and eat it too." Mean. Hence the term cake eating BTW. OF course I want my cake and eat it too, what I'm just going to stare at it?? It makes no sense except to some sadist cook.

Back to the topic at hand.

Cake Eating is partially YOUR fault. IF you let him.
i.e. Sex. Having sex with you, and later with her...cake eating and you gave him the cake. Or worse! At the same time!

You have some control over his ability to cake eat. Not over his desire too.

(He should be; he got what he wanted, right?)

...

Sarcasm... keep that out of your interactions with him.

[Cyrena]

Why Jack, you've got to get the cliche right, first. The exact words I learned as a child were, "HAVE your cake and eat it too." As in, the child wants to fill her face with sugar, fat and icing sugar AND still have the perfect, untouched cake sitting there to do with as she wishes.

Or, the MLCer wants that fatty, sugary fantasy woman, but still wants to HAVE his wife sitting right where he left her.

But, yah, I found that a stupid saying when I was a kid, too. I guess those were the days before parents directly came out and said "choices...."

[Mila]

Thanks Jack,

Yeah that expression "cake eating" is... strange??? But we all know what it means and I guess we would all like to do it not only our W spouses.

NO SEX - not that he wants to, but even if he did.... no way under these circumstances (OW).

When I refereed to "cake eating" I meant that he wants to be friends with me, business partner with me and continuing his affair with OW. Since I agreed to continue to be his business partner to DB I have to redefine some boundaries so I don't feel taken advantage off.

For example he calls me and asks me if I would go shopping with him to Costco. He said,"It's hard to shop just for one, we could go together and then divide the big packages". I was hesitant and he said "You don't sound crazy about it, but It would be practical". It would be practical, we still operate from our joint bank account. So do I go or not???

Every time something like that comes up I ask myself "Will this help my case or not".

And I DEFINITELY keep the sarcasm out of my conversations with WH. I just do it behind his back

[Mila]

Thanks OldPilot

Well WH has access to the sever (he knows much more about how it works then I do). I know that he can easily see all e-mail addresses but I actually don't know for sure if he can see what sites I visit. And I don't really care if he does, I'm not doing anything wrong. The reason I didn't want to set-up a new e-mail is that I didn't want him to think that I may be seeing someone. He is the expert on secret e-mail accounts (Re: OW)

[Grace_O]

Every time something like that comes up I ask myself "Will this help my case or not".

Rather than ask if it will help your "case", ask if it's something you really want to do. Does it save you that much money vs having to go and shop with him?

You can make the argument that it's being "friends". Well...you can make the arguement anyway. I have found my own definition of what I think my "friendship" with my H is. You will find yours. It may change over time.

As to his difficulty in shopping for one.....choices have consequences.

HUGS

[Drew]

And wasn't the "cake-eating" expression originally in connection with Marie Antoinette, shortly before they lopped off her head?

No wait, that was "Let them eat cake ...."