What makes you sure that your staying for your kids was worth it? Pretend you had divorced, (I hope you don't, your sitch seems to need sex alot, but I kinda feel you have a real opportunity by doing things a bit differently), you'd likely have remarried in your 40s before menopause and all that stuff. 10 years later, it might be a little more challenging (or easier?) Was her love/your love enough for the last 10 years to satisfy your non-physical needs?
Can you imagine how many times I've asked myself that? That's the thing that sucks - I'm not even sure anymore why I'm even still here. Part of it was "going dark" for years at a time - just put the R on autopilot, practice avoidance behaviors, just keep on keepin' on. Work at hobbies so the lonliness doesn't get too bad, but, surprise, it's still really lonely. The kids are a joy, and all looking to be very successful and happy, so nothing can take that away. My big fear always has been when they move out, and it's just me and W looking at each other going "Who are you?" I know I do still love her deeply, or at least it feels like that when we do (rarely) connect, but what we've had is just not enough. Not for the long haul (and I know that 30 years looks like "long haul" to most folks, but I'm thinking 60 or more). I also know that we're both still young enough to find happiness with someone else if it should come to that, but that clock is ticking, that ship will sail at some point.
Yes, we've read pretty much all the books (several by MWD, Schnarch, Gottman, McGraw, etc.), and she's tried hormonal creams. She saw an IC back in '04 for a while, but that one was so supportive of her, she made things worse. W came out of that validated and seeing no reason to be more loving towards me - rather I was being too demanding. 3 other C's disagree, but never mind that.
So I'm just hoping this MC can help me (us) clarify things in our mind, see the possibilities, challenge us BOTH to work on ourselves, and hope the sum of all that adds up to a dynamic marriage.
