We'll both know if its a crying session this weekend, eh? I don't want or expect that.
My IC said that you can't just sweep the past under the rug, but it needs to be dealt with after communication & the R is strong enough to handle them, one at a time. So I'm not going to go with that in mind. Lotus said non-confrontational, that's what I thought when signing up.
Open mind...
Being a man is our nature. Understanding our partner is the work we have to do so 'manning up' doesn't mean living alone. I set some boundaries, and I'm sticking to most of them, but not all of them.
This weekend though, I'm trying to go in like it is a date with an awesome women I just married. Ignore the baggage and be willing to share anything on any topic, but with a bit of self-control on how I say it. The memories of the weekend might get me through the next challenges ahead to get closer.
What will she get? She can only get what she wants too. Why worry about that?
You keep referring to your wife as being from another country. i hope that her English is good now, because that will be important over the weekend. But as you say, she will get what she will get. Your attitude sounds good, "understanding our partner is the work we have to do", that is a what Retrouvaille is all about. Listening, and understanding. That's it. It's not touchy/feely. At least I didn't think so, but I will look forward to both of your descriptions of how you felt about the weekend, next week.
Retrouvaille deliberately does not tell you much about what to expect. If you've read the thread, you have heard a lot more than they tell you. Sometimes I think they are right. It should be a surprise. But I know that I walked in so frightened. And I didn't need to be, it was a very safe weekend. And that's the thing that I want people to know. You should not be attacked (emotionally) at a Retrouvaille weekend. if that is happening, something is wrong and you need to ask for help. And of course, you should not attack your spouse either. Maybe everything can't be worked out, but if there is a chance that things can be worked out, it will be following the rules of dialogue. There is hope. There are many miracles at Retrouvaille.
I like the attitude you are bringing, I will try to do the same.
Had a bad reminder this morning of how WAW she is. I had to get up early to shower and get to work early.
She usually showers first, so instead of being in the 2 stall shower with me, she chose to not even take a shower and go to work without one. Not to mention the fact she did a workout last night and didn't shower after that.
I didn't call her on it, what am I going to say, get in her and take a shower?
Been 8 months with her not uttering the words I love you in any mannner and not so much as a kind touch.
That's why I truly wonder what this Retrouvaille weekend will bring?
TBL now equals "Toward Better Love" M-44 W-42; 2 kids; married 11 years 1st bomb 10-08, reconcile 12-08 2nd bomb 8-09, moving toward reconcile 3-7-10
Oh, 8 months of compliments has not worked at all. By the way, I am not trying to be inappropriate here in any way but just kind of setting the scene as we approach Retrouvaille.
Been 8 months with her not uttering the words I love you in any mannner and not so much as a kind touch.
same here, the closest I've gotten was a "Valentine's" card that said..I just want us both to be happy...which to her means...I'll be happy WITHOUT YOU.
I have to say, I'm a bit bummed reading about all of these folks that have been to retrovaille and still getting divorced, I guess I thought it had an 80% success rate and was a magic bullet.
I try not to be effusive in my compliments but I do make them. You look nice today, great job at work, etc. She accepts them and says thank you politely.
She has pretty low self-esteem, not self loathing, but thought she was not smart and successful.
She left my business which she came to when the children were off to school and then never felt (in her opinion) she was equal. She then recently left to start her own business, which I supported.
So part of this I know is her sticking up for herself and feeling empowered which is great, but I hope she doesn't throw the baby out with the bathwater, ie. divorce because she feels stronger.
Part of that empowerment is not saying she loves me for 8 months, no rote replies is what she said and the complete avoidance of any intimacy at all.
With me being a guy who wears all emotions on his sleeve, good bad and otherwise it is a little tough st times with her now being the complete opposite.
I will try to clear my head and approach this weekend as an opportunity to be with my beautiful wife.
Last edited by Tryingbutlosing; 03/03/1004:35 PM.
TBL now equals "Toward Better Love" M-44 W-42; 2 kids; married 11 years 1st bomb 10-08, reconcile 12-08 2nd bomb 8-09, moving toward reconcile 3-7-10
