Finally realised that he is having an A!!

[lea74]

Hi Allen and Puppy, thank you both so much for your input. Allen thanks for the definition on a cuckhold - I thought maybe it was a spelling mistake.

Allen, sorry but I think Puppy is right. My only reply at this stage will be: 'He has a right to know' - not sorry though. I like your response very much, but know I could never pull that off. I have a tendancy to fall apart around my H. After 1 year of DBing, I am finally getting my confidence back and feeling slighting human again.

Silence will definitely get his attention, as he does not like to be ignored. Today is a prime example as I didnt reply to his first text and it was followed by a couple more and phone calls. Eventually I just said: I want to be left alone.

He will ask, why I sent the friend request - if he finds out - and I have my answer. It is what I feel comfortable with at the moment and I know what I can deal with. Anwyay just sending the invite is a huge 180 for me anyway.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Don't tip him off that you're exposing to the other woman's husband until you've actually DONE it. The whole "friend him on FB" thing is only going to tip the illicit couple off, and they'll try to get their story straight and spin a big line of b.s.

Exposure should always be done FIRST, THEN you confidently own up to what you've done, with a "I felt he had a right to know," and a "Everything I've done, I've done to fight for our marriage."

Puppy

[Allen A]

Absolutely, you gain NOTHING by warning him about your plans... and you can Lose a LOT...

He's cheating on you, so you can't trust him, I know it sounds foul, but that's a fact right NOW... it may change later, but right NOW you can't trust him an inch.

[lea74]

Absolutely, I have no intention of tipping him off (sorry, did I imply that I would?). I am not talking to him at the moment anyway, so there is not chance he will find out before I contact the H.

Puppy, I really like your sentence:

Everything I've done, I've done to fight for our marriage."

I think that this may be my mantra.

[Allen A]

I love that mantra ya... just keep telling him that

[Gnosis]

A drive-by posting:

Everything I've done, I've done to fight for our marriage."

That sentence invites the imagery of conflict. The word "fight" is not suitable and will bring out antagonism. Try one of these two instead:

"Everything I've done, I've done to save our marriage."
"Everything I've done, I've done to keep our family intact."

Also it's phrased in past tense.

"I'll do whatever it takes to save our marriage."
"I'm doing whatever I can to keep our family together."

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Agree on both counts, Gno -- I like those much better!

- Puppy, who wants everyone to notice that you CAN teach an old dog, new tricks

[Allen A]

Good one gnosis... much better!

I'm making that my signature! lol

[mb28]

lea74,
You are getting great advice from Puppy and Allen, they have helped me more than they will ever know.

I was struggling to expose my H affair, and I was so scared. Luckly for me, someone else did it via a letter to OW's H and her parents. However, my H still blamed me for it, and believe's I sent the letters. And yes, he did say he was done and that there was no way we will ever work. That was about 3 or 4 weeks ago now and we have had a ton of ups and downs. He seems to be calming down a little from the exposure drama and I'm just trying to keep a PMA.

Hang in there, it will get better.

[lea74]

Thank you all for the support and advise - it is really appreciated. At the moment, I am working on detachment and NC - which seems to be driving my H crazy. (He keeps trying to bait me!!)

I plan on dropping the bomb this weekend, lots of work pressure this week so dont want to be distracted and keep focussed on the mission at hand!!

I have decided my mantra will be:

'Everything I've done, I've done to keep our family intact.'