flowmom | shifting from devastated to rebuilding

[flowmom]

So I got this email from H after he left:

I'm sorry that I was indiscreet tonight. I don't often get a chance to talk to that particuliar friend, and thought I could be quiet enough to share my perspective with him (not that I should be giving anyone advice these days). But I shouldn't air my laundry when you or the kids are there, even when theyre asleep

Sorry

So I guess he doesn't need me to tell him not to talk about that stuff in front of the children.

I talked to BIL tonight, my sister's H. He was very frank with me how he thought I'd be better off without H and that he thought that H has been trying to get *me* to leave *him* for years with his behaviours. BIL felt that I couldn't have done anything to address our M problems because H was so obviously not playing ball, for years. BIL thinks there's no chance for R, and he's a former WAH so he has an informed opinion.

I'm starting to suspect that when we went into MC Dec 2008, that's when H was really done. Going to MC was his last-ditch token effort at reconciliation and when we stopped going in May 2009 he completely checked out of the M. I dealt with a lot of anger and hostility from him between then and the bomb last Dec. There was the occasional mind-f-ing exceptionally wonderful moment that I took as a ray of hope...but to H they were probably him taking the car out for a spin around the block before driving it to the dump. All the tests that I must have failed, when I was preoccupied with cooking his elaborate diet and doing mountains of laundry and trying to get help for S6 and sleep deprived, etc.

I feel so stupid. And sad that the beautiful man that I married seems to be gone.