wants papers filed

[david allen]

what a bad start of a day wife walked into my bedroom i was sound asleep hallway light blasting my eyes and she askes me to get up she wants to ask me a question. atleast she allowed me enough time to brush my teth and wash my face. any way my wife is holding a grudge towards her mom because mom doesnt agree with my wifes decission to leave the mariage. her mom is trying to stay neutral and let us work things out. wife found out that her mom and i have talked on a couple of occasions but not about our marriage. but now my wife is in a big hurry to get papers filed. dont know what to do!!! and starting to panic

[Onthemountaintop]

Don't file. That is up to her. Tell her you want to work on your marriage - then show it through improved actions on your side. Evaluate yourself and what you've done to get your M in this spot.

Think - if you file, is that like telling her that you also think things are hopeless - maybe she's just testing?

[david allen]

sunday was her moms birthday everyone but my nwife sent wishes including myself im thinking she might be feeling guilty, and taking it out on me. her and her mom were were really close untill all this divorce crap came out no one in the family understands my wifes actions, and if you dont say you agree with her decission then your not supporting her that sems to be the way she is thinking is there any advice on how to proceed?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

You can validate your WIFE, and her feelings, while not supporting her DECISION. Big difference.

"I'm really sorry you feel this way; this sounds like it's very upsetting to you. Please understand that I don't want to get a divorce -- I want to work on the marriage. I don't want us to go to our death beds, regretting that we didn't give it everything we have, and that's not what I want to teach the kids (if you have children)."

Something like that.

Puppy

[Need WAW advice]

David,

I am new to DB.com, just logged in today for the first time and boy did you get my interest because I am going through the exact same thing. My wife has cut herself off from ALL family because no one understands her actions and she feels unsupported. She did however honor birthdays but just left me off the cards as if I no longer exist in the marraige. I got the "I don't love you anymore, but still care for you" and have validated her feelings just like "Puppy Dog Tails" in the post above suggests, but that has got me no where. As a matter of fact I just moved out yesterday to give my kids (and wife) a break. All she wants to do is keep arguing and threatening my with legal action. I too have been talking to my mother in law who is "on my side" and is dumb founded by her daughter. Things have gone down hill for me in a whirlwind 7 weeks, but at least I did try. The only problem is that in my case my wife does not want to try or change and I have come to the fact that I cannot change her opinion or behaviour. That is up to her. If you can, go to counseling for yourself it has helped me a lot....best of luck. David (Married 17.5yrs/Kids 11,15.)

[gr8 day 2B alive]

DA,

I know first hand that talking to MIL is not a good idea.
Stop talking to her about W. Your W will only be pissed off more at you.
I am not sure how far along you are in your journey but I made the mistake of talking to her family early on in my process.
Her family are her "people" to discuss problems.

Respect that she need support from her family.

I have an excellent relationship with her familyso I know it's hard to not ask questions about her mindset.

You are in a good place for what your about to endure.

Patience, take care of yourself first. Do some soul searching about yourself and think about what it has been like living with you from your W's POV.
MAke your changes for yourself.
Keep us posted.

[Need WAW advice]

DA,

There does come a time when you can only take so much. In my case I have been validating my WIFE's feelings now for almost eight weeks and so far it has not worked one bit. So far she gave me some of my Xmas presents back, threw aways cards and flowers, and accused me of having an affair which is completely untrue.
In my opinion, talking to the MIL is not a bad idea. There are two sides to every story and if you are honest with yourself and everyone else then talking about it is not bad. I have done soul searching and do advise you to do the same but. In my case I only converse with 3 people about this so at least I have someone to discuss my issues. My wife on the other hand now talks to everyone else about our issues but her Mom and has not once validated my feelings during this time. Again, seek professional counseling like I did and that way you have an avenue to discuss stuff with someone other than your MIL without worrying about it getting back to your W.

[david allen]

there has been no talk about filing the papers but her atitude and her actions are very confusing. She has been talking about going on a vacation, and I told her that I thought it was a good idea, if she thinks i'm going to pay for it she has a rude awakening waiting for her.I think she is very confused as to what shen wants to do, I just wish I could get her away from her neice and away from her computer, she has her face stuck in it every moment she isnt sleeping or at work , and her neice is a enabler and she cant see the trees in front of the forest. If anyone has advice please respond!!! my 180 continues would really like to get a new angle on her.

[sandi2]

David, I'm glad you decided to come here for advice b/c friends & family are biased and will not always say what you need to hear.

I want to encourage you to not leave your home. If she wants out then she can leave.

I suspect your W is involved in some sort of EA over the Internet. It could be a local person or somebody from her past or a man she's never met.....but I bet she's communicating with some man. I suspect that is why she is suddenly talking about taking a vacation.

Now that she has dropped the bomb, you can expect to see very fast changes take place in her. She will not be the girl you M and you need to prepare yourself for the worst. You cannot treat her the way you have in the past b/c the whole stitch has changed and she is different. You will have to learn new techniques that work in this present stitch.

The worst thing you could do is to pursue her, try to get her to change her mind, and talk about the R. When you panic, you do all the desparate things that make you look weak, clingy, needy, etc. That is not what she wants to see in a man. You need to show confidence and a sense of being able to move ahead and be happy with or without her.

When you speak to her, show politeness but be firm. You can act friendly without pursuing. Treat her with a business-like attitude as if she were a co-worker. Yes it is extremely hard, but it can be done, and you can chose to do what works and might not "seem or feel" right to your emotions......or you can opperate out of your emotions and lose any chance of reconcilation.

[david allen]

HANGING IN THEREsandi thankyou for the advice, its very appreciated. I have for some time suspected her emotional envolvement with someone else I dont suspect she has committed to anything physical, its like she lives a private world on her computer. The weird thing is she is a beautiful woman and im not just saying that but she could get any guy she wanted in a phydical way without putting any effort into it. She only goes as far as the computer as far aS I CAN SEE. IM TRYING REALLY HARD TO DISTANCE MYSELF FROM WHAT SHE IS DOING BUT ITS REALLY HARD WHEN WE LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE AT THIS TIME. tHE OTHER PROBLEM IS HER NEICE SHE IS COMPLETLY ENABLEING MY WIFES ACTIONS DUE TO THE JEALOUSLY ON HER OWNE SIDE OF FAMILY IS COMPLETLY DISFUNCTIOAL NEICE COULD NOT BE HAPPIER THAT MY FAMILY IS IN TERMOIL. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO ADVISE iM