W asked to come over to chat tonight. Said after a long period of thought about yesterday's conversation, she had a revelation of self awareness in that she is coming to grips with and becoming comfortable with moving on. Said what could be signs from God, such as a song she heard on the radio shortly after her "A-HA" moment, as well as immediate relief from stress related abdominal pain, even her horoscope, pointed to Him being in agreement. She said she knows she could be wrong about those, but it seemed strange that there would be such coincidences.
Basically told me she doesn't know what is really missing in our relationship to be able to put it into words, she just knows that "it" is not there. She knows "it" when she sees "it" and knows that "it" is "out there". I guess in other men.
She said if she came back she could see this happening to her again with someone else.
It was a long talk, mainly me saying that I completely understood where she stood and that I was clear on her feelings, and that I really had not seen anything different in that area since this all started.
I just asked her what she thought the definition of faith was, and asked if she trusted God. She said she has faith but doesn't know if she trusts Him yet. I was just trying to get her to consider that doing what God prescribes with regards to marriage would require both faith and trust in Him. If she didn't trust Him to take care of her if she came back to me, then I get where she could see that getting out was really all that would make sense to her.
I told her that I have faith and trust in God, and that I truly believe that no matter how far gone she seems now, that somehow, some way, at some point God is going to surprise her. And at that point she will see things differently. I said I don't like what it is putting me through, but that God requires me to be patient and that is what I'm doing.
She understood. I think she felt a little frustrated in that she seems to want to get a cooperative move on in getting a divorce. I told her I think that would be a mistake, but that she is free to make that decision.
We've had this conversation before; most of her points seemed just like the ones she made when dropping the bomb almost a year ago. It was just strange to see her flip flop from saying "You should have fought for me" just yesterday, and today saying she is now completely at peace with going against God's law and what everyone else is telling her.
I expected to hear what I heard tonight, and I think I gave her some things to really think about. She initiated a hug before leaving, crying and saying "I'm sorry". I just told her don't be, you can't help what you feel.
She said she'd give up anything to feel differently with the exception of our kids. I just told her to be open to surprises and not to close off her heart.
So I guess I'm back to where I was 2 days ago. Yippee. I still trust God, despite this setback, but man its so tough. And I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
