I'm buried at work at the moment, but I don't trust your husband. The words he's using, and -- especially his TIMING -- seem very self-serving to me.
Tell him this: "I don't know. I will need some time to think about this. I'm not going to tell you what you need to do, however -- this is YOUR mess; YOU need to clean it up."
You're looking for COMMITMENT here, not COMPLIANCE. If you give him some "list" at this point (there will be a time for this soon, but not now), you're just going to get COMPLIANCE.
I'd test him, stall, and see if he can keep this up for any meaningful (2 weeks?) length of time without getting nasty with you again. Then you'll have your answer.
I'll try to check on you later with more thoughts -- gotta run.
My husband wants me to come up with ways for him to prove that it is over with her and that it will never start up again.
a chasity belt?
Don't get suckered into this game.
Either he wants the marriage to work or not. There's no objective standard that would "prove" that he loves you. It's all about the actions and little else. The burden is on HIM, not you.
What it seems like, to me at least, is that he's subtly putting you into a Mommy/guardian role and not a Wife/partner role. The Mommy role is the one where you tell the kids to pick up their toys, do their homework, all things that show that you care about them. It's a great role because children are vulnerable and not yet cognitively developed enough to know lessons about life.
But your H is a grown-man, he's not naive...if anything he's far from naive in that he purposely deceived you and cheated on you. That shows intellectual sophistication. If he wants you as a partner, he will want to look for ways that you *equally* agree to the guidelines of marriage. It's two adults addressing complicated ideas. Think about when your marriage was happy. Didn't you want to do things to make the other person happy? It went both ways, yes? That's the goal you seek.
But like I said, don't be the one who has to mother him. If you play this game, and say: ok, I'll bet the house. One, it makes you the mommy-figure because then you're the one who has to be the one who doles out the punishment. Bad mommy.
And two, it shows that you can put a value on yourself, which means you can be bought. You're better than that. It's sort of like that joke by Winston Churchill where he asks a lady if she would sleep with him for a million dollars. She says yes, and then he asks her if she would do it for 10 dollars. She says: What type of woman do you think I am? He said: Madam, we've already established what kind of woman you are, now we are just haggling about price.
I know this is a hard time, but don't devalue what a good person you are.
oh I wish. Haven't spoken to him all day but got an article from him on Depression...from the New York Times. To sum up the 10 page article...medication may not be necessary in treating depression and actually may inhibit progress because it doesn't allow the body to heal itself. Depression is a normal life process like a flu or cold. If anyone is interested: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/28/magazine/28depression-t.html?pagewanted=1&em
I got an email...he forwarded me an email that the secretary OW sent to him. It wasn't anything big..It was just an email letting him know that someone was on hold for him and had been on hold for him for quite some time. He was trying to show me there was nothing going on..
His sister had a baby today so I went to the hospital to see them. I am still very close to his family. He was there. We didn't speak a word. He truly sucks the life out of the room. He doesn't look very good and you can feel his negative energy. I didn't stay long. Said goodbye and that was that.
I have to say that I felt kind of empty after leaving. I had the feeling that I wanted to call and speak to him.. but I haven't given in. I need to wait and see what he is going to do. Let him make the effort 100%..right?
knittedscarf- I never looked at it that way but you are so right. I don't want to be in that role.. and I guess I have been in that role for quite some time..since learning of his affair. I also didn't look at the house issue as putting a price tag on myself but it does appear to do that. I am just worried about putting myself out there again to someone that doesn't feel 'empathy'. I am worried about getting hurt once again. I believe in marriage and commitment.. but I do not want to be a doormat.
I got an email...he forwarded me an email that the secretary OW sent to him. It wasn't anything big..It was just an email letting him know that someone was on hold for him and had been on hold for him for quite some time. He was trying to show me there was nothing going on..
Wow, I'm convinced. I mean, if they WERE having an affair, she'd surely say "Someone is on hold for you, they've been on hold for quite some time, and I really want to F*&K your brains out in your office when you're done speaking with them, okay Hotcheeks?"
absolutely. I couldn't agree more. I wasn't saying that his forwarded email did anything for me...he needs to do much better than this. I am just waiting to see what he does. I didn't comment on the email and will not. What is the difference between going completely dark and just not pursuing? Do I need respond to anything he sends? Is this a time for darkness? Are there certain things I should respond to? The attorney did not call me today. Sometimes I don't mind the limbo and sometimes this limbo drives me crazy. I am having a moment where this limbo is driving me completely nuts!!
