flowmom | shifting from devastated to rebuilding

[flowmom]

CG, I know that you have been through a lot. I also want to thank you for the help that you give to me and others. I don't always know how to respond to your posts, but I always read and digest them, and I think they help me with the reality part of things. Any choices that I make must be grounded in reality, and because I have no direct or indirect experience with this, I don't have a basis for understanding many of the circumstances of my own situation.

[flowmom]

Kalni, your post is really helpful for me. I need to keep in mind that there is no R between H and I. But realistic also means not getting stuck in hopelessness (which my IC warned me about). It's helpful to read that even the very worrisome aspects of my sitch don't mean there that is no future chance for reconciliation.

He cant be part of your lives now, not as an active parent. I get the feeling he is trying to get away from all that and only does the minimum.

On the contrary, he's been coming to help with the bedtime routine every night that he's not working, and taking the kids for much longer stretches than he ever did when he was living here. I think that he's 1. trying to establish a precedent of me earning more money and 2. trying to establish a precedent of him having the max custody of the kids that he is capable of with his work commitments -- I assume all on legal advice. And he doesn't want the kids to feel abandoned.

[newmama]

my copy/paste function isn't working but
"realistic also means not getting stuck in hopelessness" is exactly my message.

and, sadly, I agree that it is highly possible that your H is operating on legal advice regarding the amount of time he is spending with the kids (but he DOES love them, too!)

[CityGirl]

Flo, I know you don't know how to respond to my posts all the time and that is okay. You don't have to respond at all. I know when I was in the early stages of my situation I had no clue how to respond to "the meanies" when in fact " the meanies" were actually pointing out the facts to me.

(Hint: CityGirl = meanie

I always try and making really clear in my posts that I know how horrid this is. It is horrible. I can't think of anything more horrible. I don't update my thread often because I really don't have contact with my H and who really wants to hear what I think about when I am sad or down? (Hint: nobody, lol!)

Maybe I should share more. So, here it is. When I think about my own situation from time to time I actually get the chills. I have worked long and hard in C'ing to learn how to deal with the "flashbacks" I still have from my ordeal. While they are really under control now (compared to before) from time to time I do still have panic attacks when I think about the past two years.

I know the range of emotions you (general you) can feel during a span of 30 minutes and I know how exhausting it can be. I know you know the range of emotions because you are living it right now. Since we both know I guess I try and focus more on facts and reality because lets be honest, there is nothing I can do or say to make your emotions be less powerful.

I don't have all the answers (hell, I have very few!) but one thing I know is I always stick by people. Ask around, in "real life" I am actually pretty soft spoken and gentle Luvless can tell you I am not all that cut and dry!

I know all divorces don't go as badly as mine do. I also know a red flag when I see one. And for a long time I ignored all the red flags. I second guessed everything and I was terrified. I also was quite ill at the time so things just spun out of control. I am not being bitchy when you make comments about your H's health issues because I get it. I live it!

I just don't want to see you get jerked around. And maybe the intent of the WAS is not to jerk the LBS around but it does seem to go that way no matter what intentions may exist.

You seem like a very smart, caring and compassionate person. Don't let all those really great things get tangled up or diminished on account of all of "this" BS. It was not all that long ago I felt like the most worthless, ugliest and useless person on the planet. Do better than me. I know you want to do right by your kids (and you already are) but do right by yourself as well.

[flowmom]

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Step 1: It is important to first identify those people, places and things in your life from which you would be best to develop emotional detachment in order to retain your personal, physical, emotional and spiritual health.

I need to emotionally detach from H.

We are in a toxic R:

* H is emotionally unavailable to me.
* H is overly dependent on me in coparenting matters.
* I am overly dependent on H financially.
* H has the power to impact my feelings about myself.
* In our R, I chronically tried to fix H's problems and health issues, and enabled his unrealistic way of managing his life.
* We have a relationship in which my loyalty doesn't allow me to let go.
* H has often appeared helpless, lost and out of control.
* H's refusal to deal with his stress, depression, and sleep issues are self-destructive given his severe kidney disease.
* We have a relationship in which H has not been transparent about his feelings and plans.
* Guilt (about how it would affect the children) is a major motivating factor preventing my letting go and detaching.
* In this relationship, I have a fantasy that H will come around and change to be what I want.
* We have a relationship in which H and I are competitive for control.
* In this R, H is not willing to forgive or forget and all past hurts are still brought up to hurt me.
* In this R, my needs and wants are ignored.

--

I'm in a toxic R with H. I need to detach from him for my own health.

[CityGirl]

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You do need to detach for your own health. And you will. It is very easy to say "detach, detach, detach" but actually getting there is another story. This is a good list as to why you need to detach. It does not mean there is no hope or that no good can come out of this. It does mean that right now, things need to change and detaching is the way to potentially change them. It for certain is the way to change you.

Now this is what I am talking about! You should feel very proud of this breakthrough you made. Very, VERY good work! VERY GOOD!

[avermont]

Wow, FM, what great clarity.

Awareness of all the feelings/history/reasons you are tied together.

I guess, as they say, "knowing is half the battle."

Does this list help you see ways to work out of the attachment?

Unfortunately, this darn detachment thing isn't like undoing velcro. More like: what is the best, least painful way to chew my arm off to save my life, and then just be joyful to be alive with the possibility of getting a good prosthetic arm?

OK--maybe that's a bit dramatic.

You did recommend The Work, right? if not, do check it out. Even my C said today that it was a good path for me.

But I am thinking of you and sending you love.

Your health, your life, your good heart--that's what's most important.


CityGirl, your toughness is fine by me for me when I read it. Fine in like, thanks for that 2x4 across the head! but really good reality calls. No one said we have to like reality. But we do have to accept it.

[rr22]

avermont said: Unfortunately, this darn detachment thing isn't like undoing velcro. More like: what is the best, least painful way to chew my arm off to save my life, and then just be joyful to be alive with the possibility of getting a good prosthetic arm?



True!

[flowmom]

Another hard night with H. I manage to keep smooth in spite of my emotions running high and being totally exhausted. Then I hear H talking in the kids' bedroom as I'm putting clothes away in the next room. At first I thought he was talking to S6, then I figure out that he's talking on his cell phone (S6 was asleep by then) saying "before marriage, it's hard to project into the future what things will be deal-breakers after marriage. I remember when my ex wife used to start papers the night before they were due in university..."

As soon as I heard that I went into the bedroom and said "Flowdad, would you please do me the respect of having that conversation outside of my home". He stopped the conversation, came out of the kids' bedroom and then said to my back: "I'm sorry. Someone was asking me for marital advice, which I shouldn't be giving. Not a classy move." I didn't respond. He left.

Yep. It's been a great day . That's the first time that H has referred to me as his ex in my hearing . I wonder how many people have heard his story about how hard it was to be married to me. I guess the entire universe since he had to complain to my best friend about how horrible a wife I was. He was talking about my procrastination issues on the phone. I guess I'll also look like a b*tch for stopping his conversation. I haven't said a single negative thing about him to anyone except my sister and best friend since we separated. So much for H telling me just last night that he didn't want to be a jerk or *--hole to me.

Well, I guess H has found a few indirect ways of making his state of mind crystal clear to me.

The pain feels unbearable...

[newmama]

THAT IS SO RUDE of him! But I felt admiration for you when you stopped his phone conversation!

OK the silver lining to this is that it is easier to detach from someone when they are acting like a jerk. He is clearly "trying out" the idea that you are his "ex" wife.

I won't say anything positive right now but will save it for another time.