I'm also not sure what it takes/means to "heal", like everyone said, or what exactly needs to be healed. Resentment that H was/is so willing, and excited, to give me away sexually to other men? Resentment about H needing "sexual variety" in his life? H said over and over, that it's "nothing personal" about me because we had a very good sex life, he just needed more. "How much more personal can you get? Now, piss off!!" is what I should have said but didn't (Apologies to Monty Python... )
Hi Bunny, I have been reading your posts with such admiration for you and your choices (and your humour!) during this extraordinarily difficult time. I have been so pleased to see how you keep things moving along in your life from hanging pictures, to picking out a comforter that you love, to taking care of the financial matters that must be attended to.
In this quote, you asked specifically about the healing process. Allow me to throw in my two cents. The loss of a marriage is a grieving process, so you will most likely go through all the stages from anger, bargaining, depression and so forth. Eventually you will come to the place of choosing to forgive your H. I know that we have all heard that deciding NOT to forgive is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die, but forgiveness is still a rather nebulous concept - how do we actually do it???
When I work with clients, I have them use the model by therapist Michael Dye. He has people fill in a chart listing out the offender, the offense and then the debt owed. It is the debt part of this exercise that is profound. Typically, we are taught to forgive the offense and the offender, but we do not pay heed to the ramifications of the offense in our current lives. However, unless you actually know what you are forgiving a person for – meaning what debt you are releasing them from – it is impossible to truly forgive them. If you try to address the offense, but never dig deeper to the debt, you will be spinning your wheels.
The best way of clarifying the debt is by asking yourself: If it was a perfect world and he hadn’t done that to me, what would I have? What did he steal from me? What did I lose because of what he did? What would be different in my life now?
Acknowledging the debt and choosing to forgive is the path to freedom in your present life. Many of the success gurus (think Jack Canfield, Anthony Robbins and others), acknowledge that in order to move on to the future, we must fully resolve the past. Canfield calls it the “need to complete the past to embrace the future”. Lack of forgiveness is an anchor which holds us back from moving forward in life.
You might not be in the place right now where you are ready to forgive and that's ok. Just tuck this information into the back of your mind so that you can use it when you are ready. In the meantime, know that I am deeply moved by your story and applaud your ability to make excellent choices!
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