I'm also not sure what it takes/means to "heal", like everyone said, or what exactly needs to be healed. Resentment that H was/is so willing, and excited, to give me away sexually to other men? Resentment about H needing "sexual variety" in his life? H said over and over, that it's "nothing personal" about me because we had a very good sex life, he just needed more. "How much more personal can you get? Now, piss off!!" is what I should have said but didn't (Apologies to Monty Python... )
Hi Bunny, I have been reading your posts with such admiration for you and your choices (and your humour!) during this extraordinarily difficult time. I have been so pleased to see how you keep things moving along in your life from hanging pictures, to picking out a comforter that you love, to taking care of the financial matters that must be attended to.
In this quote, you asked specifically about the healing process. Allow me to throw in my two cents. The loss of a marriage is a grieving process, so you will most likely go through all the stages from anger, bargaining, depression and so forth. Eventually you will come to the place of choosing to forgive your H. I know that we have all heard that deciding NOT to forgive is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die, but forgiveness is still a rather nebulous concept - how do we actually do it???
When I work with clients, I have them use the model by therapist Michael Dye. He has people fill in a chart listing out the offender, the offense and then the debt owed. It is the debt part of this exercise that is profound. Typically, we are taught to forgive the offense and the offender, but we do not pay heed to the ramifications of the offense in our current lives. However, unless you actually know what you are forgiving a person for – meaning what debt you are releasing them from – it is impossible to truly forgive them. If you try to address the offense, but never dig deeper to the debt, you will be spinning your wheels.
The best way of clarifying the debt is by asking yourself: If it was a perfect world and he hadn’t done that to me, what would I have? What did he steal from me? What did I lose because of what he did? What would be different in my life now?
Acknowledging the debt and choosing to forgive is the path to freedom in your present life. Many of the success gurus (think Jack Canfield, Anthony Robbins and others), acknowledge that in order to move on to the future, we must fully resolve the past. Canfield calls it the “need to complete the past to embrace the future”. Lack of forgiveness is an anchor which holds us back from moving forward in life.
You might not be in the place right now where you are ready to forgive and that's ok. Just tuck this information into the back of your mind so that you can use it when you are ready. In the meantime, know that I am deeply moved by your story and applaud your ability to make excellent choices!
When I work with clients, I have them use the model by therapist Michael Dye. He has people fill in a chart listing out the offender, the offense and then the debt owed. It is the debt part of this exercise that is profound. Typically, we are taught to forgive the offense and the offender, but we do not pay heed to the ramifications of the offense in our current lives. However, unless you actually know what you are forgiving a person for – meaning what debt you are releasing them from – it is impossible to truly forgive them. If you try to address the offense, but never dig deeper to the debt, you will be spinning your wheels.
The best way of clarifying the debt is by asking yourself: If it was a perfect world and he hadn’t done that to me, what would I have? What did he steal from me? What did I lose because of what he did? What would be different in my life now?
Acknowledging the debt and choosing to forgive is the path to freedom in your present life. Many of the success gurus (think Jack Canfield, Anthony Robbins and others), acknowledge that in order to move on to the future, we must fully resolve the past. Canfield calls it the “need to complete the past to embrace the future”. Lack of forgiveness is an anchor which holds us back from moving forward in life.
You might not be in the place right now where you are ready to forgive and that's ok. Just tuck this information into the back of your mind so that you can use it when you are ready. In the meantime, know that I am deeply moved by your story and applaud your ability to make excellent choices!
Great point E!
I think we all need to acknowledge the debt in our individual siuations.
Debt my X owes me: 1. Ability to trust others. 2. Innocence/goodness of R and M 3. My family unit 4. My Home 5. My Dog 6. My credit 7. Friendships etc...
Hijack away- I don't mind. (I'm always happy to have company here! ) I agree- that was a great post by E (Thank you E!) and I think it is probably applicable to most people here. I'm still pondering it myself.
Oh- and as for your questions as to why your XW decided to show her real self and sincerity at the last minute- just my opinion as a woman, but it probably didn't mean anything. Those thoughts were bothering her, and she relieved herself of them by taking an emotional dump on you... I'm sorry she did that- it was not fair. She purged herself, and as a result, burdened you with those thoughts.
I thought I'd bring this over here rather than follow up on my thread. But would you say she was purging herself of things she actually thought, felt? I know there's no hope but I'm just genuinely curious to know if she was still conflicted - as I know she was through most of this sitch and process.
16 months into sitch, 3 weeks divorced and detachment can still at times be elusive. Thanks, Bunny.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Just remember this is all conjecture on my part, ok?
I think it's similar to someone deciding whether to 'fess up to an affair. Here's the set-up:
Husband has an affair, and decides to end it on his own volition. Wife does not know about the affair since he did a good job of hiding it (and she was probably in denial), and he has to decide whether or not to tell her about the affair. It's over, there's no more sneaking around, he's committed to his wife and family. If he keeps quiet, no one will ever know, no one is hurt. If he confesses, he will put his wife through unbelievable pain- and is that pain really necessary if he's staying with his family? If he does confess, he relieves himself of the burden of keeping that secret and guilt, and acknowledges his failure to be faithful. If he keeps quiet- he has to live with that guilt. Either way, someone suffers.
* Keep quiet- H in pain from guilt, W lives peaceful, unaware life. * Confess- H releases his guilt, W in pain over betrayal.
I think your wife did the same thing (her betrayal being failure to communicate her unhappiness rather than unfaithfulness). She chose to relieve her pain at your expense.
) 