Serenity, I have the utmost respect for you. And I completely agree that people dealing with mental illness in their family should educate themselves *properly* and not be quick to take free advice (and/or diagnoses) from public forums.
I agree completely.
Originally Posted By: Kettricken
But nobody is responsible for someone else's decision to end their life. No one.
I agree completely.
Originally Posted By: Kettricken
As you are responding from your own experience, so am I. I got a call this morning about a family friend who took his own life at age 19. Now his parents not only have to deal with the loss, but all the "Was there something else we could have done?" questions and self-doubts that nobody should ever have to suffer through.
We are all here to help each other on the journey, but the only life we are responsible for is our own. We can't live if we are constantly walking on eggshells and second-guessing whether our every word and action might be a "catalyst" for tragedy.
IMHO.
I don't think Serenity was saying that you should walk on eggshells around a spouse who is suffering from mental illness. She was just relating her own experience and feelings at the time.
The best way to figure out how to cope with a spouse who is bipolar, depressed, a raging alcoholic, or going through a midlife crisis is to educate yourself. Talk to mental health professionals or an IC of your own. Once you have some real information, then you can make a proper decision as to how to deal with your relationship.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Serenity, thank you for posting this. I was wondering about recent advice being cruel, especially that I don't have first hand experience with bipolar.
A good and thoughtful post -- thanks for putting it up for us all to think carefully about.
I too think we all put WAY too much stock in -- and draw excuses from -- labels. It's why I posted the opinion column that I did on the Infidelity board this week about how bad behavior has now been codified as mental illness, far, far too often.
I have no doubt that many mental illnesses do exist, and that various therapies -- including medication -- can legitimately help people. But I also have to believe that we have taken this way, WAY too far, where everything now is a "disorder," treated by meds and wit the associated resulting excuses for the bad behavior.
Words of wisdom. DBing is about learning how we messed up and cleaning up ourselves so that, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS IN OUR SITCHES, we are okay. Marriages do not fail based only on one person.
Yes, the WAS has issues, be they mental or just moral deficiencies or plain old pain. However, there is NOTHING we can do to change anyone BUT OURSELVES.
Striking back doesn't teach the LBS anything. Striking back doesn't help them heal. Striking back doesn't make you a desirable partner, whether that's in your current R or a new one down the road.
Own your stuff and clean it up, then make decisions based on what's okay for you. Name calling and manipulation do more to hurt you than your spouse.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
