flowmom, I've been reading and I want you to tell you general things, I am not responding to the divorce question, I dont live in US, except, take your time...
In my eyes you are facing a very standard case of a WAH. Which again in my eyes means, that if you dont want the divorce you have to have patience. What he does/says/posts is very common. My H went to the lawyer, had the draft divorce papers ready and when I "dropped" the issue, meaning didnt pursue it, he never went back again until I forced him to, 1 year later (only to drop it again).
In the meantime, he thought he "lived his dream life, with the one of the loves of his life" while I was struggling to face everyday's difficulties with 2 young kids crushed by his absence. He was in a fog. Nothing I could have said mattered. He had to go through it. The whole nine yards. Once the new love thing faced the sun, the magic disappeared. After that, it was a long way coming back home again... (still is).
Looking at your signature line, I realise you are still too early in this damn journey. And please, be careful not to get pushed to any decsisions as a reaction to what he does. Believe me, there were times when things looked so bad for me. My kid's hurt, my dad's illness, nothing seemed to move him towards me. Very uncommon for my H. He was completely detached from me. Or so it seemed. I was to him,trouble, pain etc etc.
He cant be part of your lives now, not as an active parent. I get the feeling he is trying to get away from all that and only does the minimum. It's typical. He is eager to live a carefree life and of course deep down he knows with the kids he will never be able to do that but he still tries.
You need to detach and let him spin. Let him do whatever he wants to do as long as he doesnt disrespect you or the kids. Set firm boundaries, be polite but tough. 180s, GAL, everything advised here, is valid IMO.
I had to face the dillema of tough love Vs my kid's needs alot. In the beginning I was accommodating him. Although that did help at some point, the truth is that there is a fine line. Watch out not to scarifice your present in the hope of a common future. Right now, there is no REAL R between the 2 of you. No expectations from him. But dont take over his role, his responsibilities towards the kids. (I know you said your son needs special care but in general, having a weekend with the dad, IMO, is a must, not something mom's "allow").
My friend FG told me over and over again "no emotion Kalni". It took me a while to figure it out. Dont react, ACT. Build a life where respecting his decisions, his role is limited, protect your kids, focus on them and you, dont count on him. Let him play out the script. K
When we are tired, things FEEL worse. Rest and take it easy.
