I am aware that collaborative divorce is a specific legal process and not just an intention.
While collaborative divorce may sound best it doesn't always work out that way. My H and I started off with a collaborative divorce and it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. It may sound less adversarial and maybe in some cases it is but I tend to think that is not always the case.
I don't know the legalities of collaborative divorce in Canada but I would imagine the general legal concept is the same as the US. Your H won't even look you in the eye right now. You have said time and time again how painful and upsetting that is to you. You do not feel you and your H can communicate at all. You have said this is painful to you. I can relate to that pain, many of us can. How exactly do you think divorce collaborations will go? I guess I would gently suggest that if you feel collaborative divorce is best to REALLY work on detaching from your H before you agree to anything. The things you will hear and see from your H during the collaboration process will be painful and without a healthy level of detachment the process will be very difficult.
Honestly, to even consider a divorce without the assistance of an attny is a very, very risk move IMO. You said yourself that you think your H is paving the way for a 50/50 custody split to avoid child support when in fact that is not how the law works in BC. You also have circumstances that fall outside the realm of "normal" with your son and the business debt.
Attnys are expensive, no doubt about it but at the end of the day you have somebody who knows the law, who is able to act as a "go between" and will look after your best interests in the thick of a very emotionally charged situation.
Of course you want to protect your children. Just be sure you are protecting yourself as well.
I'm exhausted. S6 woke up multiple times in the night and projectile puked all over our home. Also, when the kids finally fall asleep for a while, I am left wide awake and alone with my thoughts. I'd like to do a self-brainectomy right now. I've been spending most of the morning doing laundry and scrubbing stuff.
My IC going away for a few weeks was not the best timing. Have an appt with the IC on Monday and appt with the DB coach on Thursday. Need to seriously get it together. Having trouble with being present with the kids.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Thanks for sharing your experience with collaborative D. Frankly it all sucks and I am really not ready. I am going to delay until I am because I don't trust my judgement.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Maybe it's time to have a friend of parent come stay with you for a few days for a diversion and some assistance if possible. Sometimes throwing a wrench in it can keep it positive. Or at least schedule someone to come over in the evenings to hang out for a few hours. The home teaching can lead to being alone with your thoughts too much while IC is gone.
That is a very good idea. There is no reason to rush into anything unless your H initiates a filing. For now though focus on you and your children. And yes, it all sucks but eventually it will suck less.
Today is the two year anniversary of the day my H woke up and announced to me we were getting divorced. The past two years have been a legal, financial, emotional and physical health nightmare for me. But I am okay. And you will be okay too because you are working on becoming okay.
I agree that is very hard to trust your own judgement in this situation. That is why I am a big proponent of using an attny. There was a time in the thick of my situation I would have just about agreed to anything my H wanted just to make it all go away. That is not rational but when you are that emotionally destroyed it sometimes seems like a very good idea.
Get some rest, give yourself a "brain vacation" and try and recharge. It will all be okay one day. I know it doesn't seem like it. Not every day is okay for me but I am learning the "okay days" do exist.
Flo - I just read your earlier post about the comment your H made on Facebook.
This is where you need to take a tough mental stance (if only for you and you never articulate it).
He has the time to post this crazy BS on Facebook yet you are the one cleaning up puke and scrubbing the house down?
I understand the comment was painful but it is also typical WAS speak. Like RR said, I imagine is life *is* much easier now that he has his own place, can do as he pleases and sees his children less. If that is what makes the "moon clear" to him then RR is again correct... F*** him. The moon could have been rather clear had he manned up, owned up and got some help for his issues. Instead he bolted.
This is exactly why I loathe the phrase "worn down". Do not get "worn down" from somebody who has their head up their ass. My H used to tell me how "worn down" he was? From what exactly? Partying 24/7, living in the frat house for 30 year olds, screwing OW nightly, vacationing once a month? What exactly was so taxing about all that?
Stay off his FB page and when you do see what he writes, consider the source.
You're exhausted. You can't do much in this state. But forgive yourself. We all have these days. You won't be supermom and that's ok. Do whatever you cant to get by and don't be hard on yourself. That includes asking for help.
flowmom, I've been reading and I want you to tell you general things, I am not responding to the divorce question, I dont live in US, except, take your time...
In my eyes you are facing a very standard case of a WAH. Which again in my eyes means, that if you dont want the divorce you have to have patience. What he does/says/posts is very common. My H went to the lawyer, had the draft divorce papers ready and when I "dropped" the issue, meaning didnt pursue it, he never went back again until I forced him to, 1 year later (only to drop it again).
In the meantime, he thought he "lived his dream life, with the one of the loves of his life" while I was struggling to face everyday's difficulties with 2 young kids crushed by his absence. He was in a fog. Nothing I could have said mattered. He had to go through it. The whole nine yards. Once the new love thing faced the sun, the magic disappeared. After that, it was a long way coming back home again... (still is).
Looking at your signature line, I realise you are still too early in this damn journey. And please, be careful not to get pushed to any decsisions as a reaction to what he does. Believe me, there were times when things looked so bad for me. My kid's hurt, my dad's illness, nothing seemed to move him towards me. Very uncommon for my H. He was completely detached from me. Or so it seemed. I was to him,trouble, pain etc etc.
He cant be part of your lives now, not as an active parent. I get the feeling he is trying to get away from all that and only does the minimum. It's typical. He is eager to live a carefree life and of course deep down he knows with the kids he will never be able to do that but he still tries.
You need to detach and let him spin. Let him do whatever he wants to do as long as he doesnt disrespect you or the kids. Set firm boundaries, be polite but tough. 180s, GAL, everything advised here, is valid IMO.
I had to face the dillema of tough love Vs my kid's needs alot. In the beginning I was accommodating him. Although that did help at some point, the truth is that there is a fine line. Watch out not to scarifice your present in the hope of a common future. Right now, there is no REAL R between the 2 of you. No expectations from him. But dont take over his role, his responsibilities towards the kids. (I know you said your son needs special care but in general, having a weekend with the dad, IMO, is a must, not something mom's "allow").
My friend FG told me over and over again "no emotion Kalni". It took me a while to figure it out. Dont react, ACT. Build a life where respecting his decisions, his role is limited, protect your kids, focus on them and you, dont count on him. Let him play out the script. K
When we are tired, things FEEL worse. Rest and take it easy.
