Most of the people on this forum are jealous of any couple together enough to get both people to commit to the weekend. Just walking in the door is a small success.
I'm jealous, be grateful that she'll even go. My W has refused to go for months. I'm rooting for you.
I have been to Retro, but don't use my situation as an example. It helped and it didn't. I had to twist W's arm to go. I knew at the time she had been 'influenced' by someone else (OM) but I wasn't sure of the details and just thought she was confused and that this might help us sort out a positive direction.
What it did - it made me realize that ANY problem in a M can be overcome so it gave me hope and strength to persevere through the past year of pain and turmoil with her. Without Retro I don't know how I would have had the resolve to see this to the bitter end no matter what the circumstances. I might have given up a lot sooner. I still haven't totally given up, but W is now really making moves to leave and OM is still around.
What id didn't do - as far as I know it had no impact on W but later I found out she was in a heated EA with OM during this and through the first 3-4 post sessions, after which she went into a depression due to OM-withdrawl after I investigated and uncovered the affair (and exposed her to friends and family a little too soon).
If W is in an affair, the Retro experience is counter to the advice you get here. Retro is all about expressing feelings to one another and communicating, whereas if WAW is in an affair you need different tactics. In my situation Retro might have actually hurt the situation between myself and W, but I certainly got a LOT of inspiration. Who knows, maybe in back of W's mind she realizes that things could work possibly if she would decide to dump OM.
Anyway, given the presence of an OM in my situation don't use my experience as an example.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
The tragedy in my situation is that for about 18 months before the bomb my W had been asking ME to go to Retrouvaille and I didn't think our problems were that bad, didn't feel like spending a whole weekend plus post-sessions, etc etc etc. Her mother had recommended it for us.
What an idiot I was - I should have ran to Retrouvaille at the time because it would have probably been a lifesaver for us before she got involved with OM.
Hindsight is 20/20 I guess, but boy if I could only go back in time ...
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
Please don't confuse me with Robx. I did not criticize your name choice. I will say to both of you that I believe that going in with an open mind and a willing heart is the key to getting the most out of the weekend. And don't hesitate to ask one of the lead couples for help if you and your spouse are having trouble following all the rules. They are there to help you.
Retrouvaille is an opportunity. Most of the people on this forum are jealous of any couple together enough to get both people to commit to the weekend. Just walking in the door is a small success. If you do what they tell you to do, you will have more successes there. I will be thinking of both of you all weekend, and will look forward to hearing your reports on Monday.
It wasn't criticism, read my post again, if you want to change your situation, start by how you look at it and most importantly how you view yourself!
Is it fair to say that an EA isn't as dangerous because it isn't PA yet?
Just thinking - is it possible to ignore it? If by the end of the weekend she's feeling pretty good, she may end the EA (if there is one) on her own. If you confront her, I wonder if she might react strongly and shut down.
First off, don't ever underestimate an EA. My W has been having one for about 18 months now and is about to leave to date the OM. It is just as devastating, and more destructive than if your wife went out and had a one night stand. I used to think its 'only' an EA and how lucky I am that it wasn't a PA. Boy was I wrong - there is no luck in either case. OM has taken your place as her opposite-sex companion/friend, etc.
How good is your proof? If it isn't great, such that she can just say 'we are just friends' you might hold off. However, if you have phone records or recordings that she would know would be interpreted as inappropriate 'friendship' then you might want to lay it on the line.
The risk you take is that she goes nuts and decides not to go to Retro, but the fact that your W is in the state she is in tells me that the EA is a serious threat and is probably driving a lot of her behavior.
I discovered the full extent of the EA during retro, and was like you beforehand with a strong idea that one was going on (mild proof at the time as well, such as her change of behavior and how she was hiding her phone). I wish I had known all up front and confronted her BEFORE retro started, because OM knew we were going and stepped up his contact while we were in the program.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
I went with my first W (now divorced I am sorry to say) but I found it to be really beneficial. You will get to communicate like you have not before. We communicated so much my W couldn't take it and packed up and snuck out saturday night.
That was about 11 years ago assume it's the same. I think you both will get a lot out of it.
Gritter
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I'm with Onthemountaintop on this one. I don't recommend confronting before, she will probably just refuse to go. And no, don't bring the proof with you. Retrouvaille is non-confrontational. That is entirely counter-productive to building bridges at the weekend. We don't know if the weekend will move her or not. But it does no harm to give it a try.
Lotus, I like the message that this is non confrontational weekend. I am playing all this info a bit close to the vest here. I sincerely appreciate the willingness to share your stories and viewpoints. This is a tough time clearly, although I am "manning up a bit" as I agree with Robx.
To all who have been through it, including Mountaintop, Truegrit and tryingtil...how much is the Retro time a touchy feely, we cry alot type of thing? W is not too keen on seeing that too much from past comments (yes I'll be stronger) I think it makes her pretty uneasy and a little guilty.
Also True Grit, one vehicle is the mode of transport and we are 4 hours from home, so escape seems a bit unlikely. I am sorry to hear that happened, had to be rough. Did she actually sneak out? I imagine tunnels and camps guards....
TBL now equals "Toward Better Love" M-44 W-42; 2 kids; married 11 years 1st bomb 10-08, reconcile 12-08 2nd bomb 8-09, moving toward reconcile 3-7-10
