WAH in MLC with PA

[DiamondGirl]

Okay.. I've calmed down... I didn't do anything to anyone (but the blocks of wood in my garage will never be the same).

Didn't call anyone... or email.. beat up some lumber with a bat and went and put kids to bed... My mom made them dinner while I made splinters...

Evil thoughts are still roiling in my head but that's where they'll stay for tonight anyway...

I've gotten conflicting stories from the SIL, so I won't know for sure what happened last weekend with the kids. One says H left early with OW on Saturday night to drive to other country, leaving the kids with SIL1 and the other says no, they all stayed out until Sunday morning.

They both have reasons why they would lie, so I'm letting it go for now.

Not sure how much hope I have for a future with H.. if he ever comes back to earth.. not sure if he ever will.. and at this particular moment.. I really don't care if he does...

[DiamondGirl]

Kids didn't hear or see any fighting or anything... discussions with SILs was by text msg or online... I played with them while typing furiously away on here and with SILs...

What I meant by traumatized was that both kids have been asking about why daddy won't come home almost every night since he left. I've tried to tell them that he still loves them, but needs to live at SIL right now, but they don't understand why the abrupt change. Son and H used to be stuck together like glue for most of son's life, so it has hit him harder and with a delay (like most things with him). Son has been acting out in anger and frustration lately (working with a behaviour therapist on that) and daughter clings to me and freaks out if I am out of her sight for long now.

I didn't mean traumatized by meeting OW... I know that D clung to SIL1 when they were sitting having coffee with them (according to her). Son probably didn't even register anything different. If they stayed overnight somewhere.. who knows...

I appreciate all of your help in keeping me from flying off into H's territory... It was extremely hard not to give in and let it fly, whatever words came to mind.

My close friends have been telling me that I should just report him for fraud (since he is attending school on funding that was based on him living and helping support spec. needs kid and other kid, paying a mortgage, etc) Now he pays absolutely nothing to SIL and the minimum required child support to me...

Not sure if I want to be the reason he stops going to school.. even though he isn't entitled to be there according to the funding agreement...

[Cyrena]

Good work on calming yourself down before reacting ... and don't get rid of those blocks of wood!

As for the school thing--karma (or non-attendance) will get him soon enough, so you don't even have to dirty your hands with that one.

[DiamondGirl]

I'm sorry I went ballistic like that.. I guess it was better here than on the phone with either of them...

I would not have known about any of it without D3 piping up.. That's what gets me.. I feel like I'm losing my family one by one to this MLC crap... and that my kids will one day not be my kids any more.. and that I won't be able to protect them from H's craziness... Yes I know that meeting the OW is not exactly a crazy event.. and I most likely will not find out if they went to a hotel with the kids, but he is so unpredictable and seriously confused right now, it scares me. So opposite from the calm, confident man I fell in love with.

Is he in a MLC? Absolutely...
Is he screwed up in the head? Absolutely..
Was he always this way; selfish and angry? Never.. smiled a lot, playful and kind yes... Some angry moments but they flared and went away (so I thought anyway...)

Am I an unforgiving sort? I didn't think so... Usually if I can see the motivation behind things, I let it go if it wasn't intentional... If it was intentional, I try to figure out why the intent...

I have dealt with many challenges in my life, due both to intentional and unintentional acts, and have gotten past them.

This challenge.. I don't know.. Some days I just wish I could just take the easy way out like H has done throughout our R.. but I'm just not built that way.. and there IS no easy way out of this challenge..

I can't believe the anger THIS challenge has brought out in me... Where the heck did MY sanity and balance go?

Crap I worked for years on myself before I met H to overcome the things that happened in my life.. but now it seems I'm starting from scratch again... But with two kids depending on me to be there for them too.. since their dad has checked out of reality..

Where the heck did all that anger come from?? I don't recall ever being that angry before...

[Cadet]

DG,

I am glad you are coming down from the edge of the cliff. If you learned anything today it is that this is the place to come and let out that anger. Although the blocks of wood are good too!

We are here to try to help you and venting is good! Remember the 24-48 hour rule. That is before you react to anything wait 24-48 hours. You can post it here and get some IMHO's, but wait until the dust settles before you act!

You will be OK!

[cat04]

I'm sorry I went ballistic like that.. I guess it was better here than on the phone with either of them...

No need to apologize. That is one of the things this board is for...

And it allowed you to get it out and not do something stupid.

and that my kids will one day not be my kids any more.. and that I won't be able to protect them from H's craziness...

You will never lose your children if you remain the rock for them...

However you won't always be able to protect them from things in life that may hurt them. All you can really do is try to guide them through the difficult times.

I can't believe the anger THIS challenge has brought out in me... Where the heck did MY sanity and balance go?

Where the heck did all that anger come from?? I don't recall ever being that angry before...

MLC will challenge you in ways that you never imagined.

Right now, the person you knew…has become someone you don’t know at all.

When we have children, we plan to be there for them throughout their lives. It is an unspoken promise.

When we get married, we take vows. We stand up, infront of others, and we promise each other things. That we are no longer individuals, but a team. Teams are supposed to work together through things.

MLC is a total destruction of that. So not only are we hurt by actions and words, but we are left feeling shut out, the TEAM has been destroyed, but what is worse, when the bomb is dropped, we realize that the TEAM has not been working well for a long time and we didn’t know it. So we feel stupid. IF there is OP, we feel like we have been replaced.

MLC shakes us to the core in the way a natural disaster might. We feel like we have lost everything, our love, our security, our friend, our partner, our life.

And it makes us angry and scared. Having it repeatedly thrown in our faces for months and months (or longer) is a constant reminder of it. Kinda like the aftershocks from an earthquake.

With time, you can find ways to release the anger. As you rebuild YOUR life, and HIS actions don’t rock you as much because you are stronger.

Keep coming here and venting and listening and learning.

You are doing good.

[DiamondGirl]

I stayed home today... D3 and I have been hanging out...

I feel as if this marriage has drained me of everything I was, and now that I've been emptied I've been replaced for a less empty model. That I was no longer good enough to work with to rebuild it.

I know he didn't intentionally go into a MLC. But I keep feeling that if I had only been aware of it, that I could have done something to prevent it from being so damaging to everyone.

I feel like he'll never crash and burn.. never hit bottom... and will live happily ever after with someone as damaged as him... in their fantasy land.. And I will be left without the one person I felt was my soulmate... that thought I was just fine the way I was... and that could tell what I was thinking before I said a word... as I could do with him..

That's a once in a lifetime connection... and I feel I had a big part in ruining it...

[Lostforwords]

DG-

From the deepest dirt grows the strongest trees! You are empty...seen bottom.....maybe it is time to start growing.

[DiamondGirl]

I miss my best friend and soulmate.. the one who used to say he wanted to grow old with me.. and he's gone.. and saying the same thing to someone else.. and I can't breath with the pain of it..

[Drew]

Growth is painful.