Well it's certainly his back and forth, whatever the reason. I am going to continue to hold PMA that we can work through this even if he is not. I don't know if it was a reaction to what I said, although that is a very good point. Could be!
He has consistently said this = now it's more of a mantra. Could also justify that we're signing legal separation papers tomorrow - could be ego - etc. The statement came on the heels of discussing details about meeting tomorrow at the lawyers. He's saying htat's why he wants the papers signed - he doesn't think we have much chance.
I hate being the one holding out hope when he isn't. IT's really humiliating. I've fallen into the bad DB trap of trying to "explain" why things could be better and why we "should" work on things. The temptation is huge. BUt I keep reminding myself that will push him away. It's also not self respecting. I'm working on the inner attitude that if he feels that way, I cannot change that now. He has a right to his choices. He will not turn around his attitude because I "convinced" him. He will only do it if he wants to - and if he doesn't that's his choice too. Either way, I need to know I'm ok and will be continuing to work toward inner peace.
I get the same waves of anger as everyone does - how could he be so selfish? Spend this kind of money? Abandon his children? BUt I'm not interested in fighting anymore. I want to put my efforts into changing me - and it's just really sad if he walks away. I will understand why he did it, but it will be sad. Because I do truly believe there is hope if we both try. If we both look at our childhood patterns and we both commit to changing them. BUt we both have to.
If it really is true (I have such a hard time believing it) that believe none of what they say and only 50% of what they do - then he's here for now. He's more relaxed, we're fighting less, I'm standing up to him more. He could still leave tomorrow, that's his choice. But I'll keep working on it until then.
On the other hand I don't want to show I"m working on it too much. I am such a doormat sometimes. I am the one always sorry and always wanting to clean up the mess. I need to work on the letting go and moving on and showing him this. It can't be faked. I have to find that place within. I'm not there yet. But it's my pattern to take responsibility for everything and try to fix everybody's problems. I got this from my childhood.
That why I"m starting to set boundaries and not let myself get thrown off center when he flips out. I'm not taking responsibility for his bad behavior anymore. And this includes if he's going to feel better with one foot out the door, I have to not take this personally. It's his choice. Another man would be here trying to work it out. But to stop trying to dance around in circles to make him notice me and value me enough to return.
And it's his choice to legally separate. Although I cannot fathom going through with that myself, I must accept that he has gone there. It's that bad. Maybe he is trying to hurt me, maybe he is being self righteous, maybe he is just done. I cannot change it. I do not have to like it. I"m having trouble coming to terms with it. All I can say is it's sad. I know I can't pressure him or he will cling to his righteousness. I need to leave him to struggle with his own choices. I know there's a part of him that hopes it can turn out ok or he wouldn't be here. I hope I'm not a fool for believing this. But I"m not going to beg anymore. He won't be able to blame me for being the one holding hope while he takes the opposing stance. I will stand here as he storms out the door in his temper tantrum, hoping he will go away and find reason and return. That's usually what happens in our fights if I let him go when he storms off. If I can sit with the anxiety, he eventually returns. IF I don't chase. If let go.
This is the big one. Flooded with memories of our wedding day, looking into my little boy's eyes, I must let him go. He has to come back only if he wants to. He may not.
