Vacillating husband

[Vulcanized]

Ruined,
Take a step back. You need to detach more before you can even consider trying to DB or help H. You NEED to go NC - stop making decisions based on how they will affect H - he no longer deserves that consideration. HE is cheating, HE wants D, HE hit you, HE does not respect you. GET OUT - GET A THERAPIST - GET A LIFE!!

I was actually doing pretty well w/being detached. I fully intend NC after the last of my stuff is out of the house. Should be Mon or Tues. The last bought of NC was extremely good for my sanity, not so much his. Only had a few tough days. At this point, think it will be easier.

I have been in IC since the bomb. Having had lifelong depression issues myself, I called IC immediately. Have been seeing her for 5+ months now. Did not want this to bring on another major depressive episode.

GAL - got plenty in mind for that. Volunteering at animal shelter, back to school, setting up new apt, gym, re-opening my business, dating, back to single-gal book-worm-ism.

Time for you to STOP - let me repeat - STOP thinking about how your behavior will affect H's depression. If NC makes him more depressed that's the path he needs to walk alone - if he threatens suicide to you again CALL THE POLICE. They will assess the situation and it has nothing to do with you - if they feel he needs to be held for his own safety - they will do so. Have your talk with MF and then leave it alone. Its not your battle to fight - H will have to realize himself that he has a problem - just like an addict.

I'm going to talk w/MF. I can't watch over H. MF will be totally apprised of the sitch. Judging by response I got from MF, he may also be concerned. H, MF & I had mutual friend who committed suicide over the summer and it set off a chain reaction in our lives. MF may be looking at H and seeing similarities. Don't know, but I can't be on suicide watch w/H.

I have my own days feeling suicidal, but have dealt w/depression and suicide attempts since childhood. I have a back-up plan in place, should the thought become serious consideration. I don't think H is as experienced dealing w/d & thoughts of suicide.

I agree with newmama - he's just looking for attention from you to make himself feel better. He's projecting his feelings about ruining his own life on to you feeling that way about him - just brush it off. He's going to say WAY worse things as this goes. NONE of it has anything to do with you in actuality... Keep telling yourself.. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME... These are H's choices - none of it is actually personal. He's not doing it TO YOU - He's doing it to HIMSELF. That mantra has helped me alot in this situation.

Thanks, T. I kept saying that to myself the other day. He screamed some truly heinous $hit at me, and there are a few things ringing in my head. Keep trying not to internalize/take it personally, but it's hard. Particularly the ones that actually do have some truth to them. [[ouch]]

Remember the best thing you can do for a WAS is to drop the rope and "give them what they want". Agree to D - but don't do anything - start dating (but don't do anything ) - Move on for yourself mentally - Get into IC ASAP - GAL.... Move away from H and see what happens.

The last month, have told H that he is free to get this rolling, am not fighting it, perhaps a clean slate is the best b-day gift I can get, this is for the best, it has to be this way. And these things are all true, as sad as that is. It wasn't a dime-store attempt at reverse psychology, just the truth in my head/heart. How on earth can I possibly want to be w/him when he's w/OW? Said to him 'I don't want to be friends w/somebody who isn't my friend'. Can't be much clearer than that.

I already decided to start dating. It's been 6 months already. H has been involved w/OW for 7 months [that I know about]. It's high time for me to move forward. H is somebody else's BF and my H on paper only. Decided that I'm not going to think about/obsess over H/M for at least a month. My business got trashed over the last 6 months, fully throwing myself back into it. It was my pride and joy, and kept my sanity as M was falling apart. Once again, it will once again help me keep my sanity.

I love your goals - I'd like to see your post when you figure out your DBing goals as well. I think the other goals are FANTASTIC for your long term PMA.


Get back on track - You are doing well so far!!

T

Thank you so much for your input. At this point, my only DB goals are NC, and me, me, me!