flowmom | shifting from devastated to rebuilding

[newmama]

Opinions will differ but I firmly believe if a spouse walks away the burden of filing and paying for a divorce is up to them. If you don't want to get divorced then don't make any moves other than sitting tight, working on your finances and DB'ing. If you are served then reply according to the law but don't offer an assistance with the divorce. I am not suggesting to make things ugly but there is no reason for you to do anything more than what you are doing.

I totally agree! (And no snarkiness involved!)

[newmama]

I guess what confuses me about the legalities, is that any process that is less adversarial/expensive (mediation, collaborative divorce, etc.) would require my active involvement and buy-in. If I am passive with respect to the D proceedings, doesn't that force him into an adversarial stance? I guess I will ask my IC about that (because he's involved in D stuff).

Yes do let us know what your IC says. However, I would think that being passive with the mediation process might look like letting your H be the one to set it up, pay for it, and you state once (OK others will need to help out with the phrasing)

"This is not my choice. I am committed to our marriage and want to rebuild it to be more fulfilling and rewarding than before. But if this is what YOU want, I won't fight you."

????I would love to know what the vets suggest to say/do when it reaches this point! I'm pretty sure you are supposed to go with the flow (sorry!) because it would be a 180 and you don't want to make him proceed faster.

[CityGirl]

I wasn't suggesting you be passive if divorce proceedings begin. Divorce by nature *is* an adversarial process. I think it might be Puppy or Coach that say there is a reason there is a "v" between the two spouses names on a divorce document.

If you do not want a divorce why would you initiate the filings? In some situations I can see why it would be necessary (and best) for the LBS to file but it doesn't appear that way in your situation. Your husband is contributing financially to the care and feeding of you and your children and is making some effort to co-parent. If he left you high and dry I could understand the need to file but he hasn't done that.

It is not uncommon for the WAS to hint, encourage and urge the LBS to file. It relieves them of the dirty work and makes them look less "bad".

You worry too much about your H. If he feels the process is too adversarial then perhaps he should have included you in the decisions instead of making decisions for himself, you and your children and letting you know after the fact.

Nice and divorce don't usually go hand in hand. Until you have actually experienced a divorce (I mean the legalities of it) you really have no earthly idea how hard it is. I always had empathy and sympathy for people going through a divorce but until I went through one myself I had NO CLUE what it was really like.

I guess my question to you would be this... your H opted not to collaborate with you about your marriage so why would you be willing to collaborate about a divorce you don't want?

Mediation is not a rapid or inexpensive process. I think people often think mediation will make things easier and I rarely thing that is the case.

[rr22]

You need to talk to a lawyer. An adversarial stance might wind up being in the best interest of your children. Particularly if you have the very real threat of another woman and her financial priorities coming on the scene within the next year and a half. Adventure vacationing and all that gets expensive.

[flowmom]

I guess my question to you would be this... your H opted not to collaborate with you about your marriage so why would you be willing to collaborate about a divorce you don't want?

To clarify, when I use the term collaborative divorce, I am referring to a specific legal process, not an "intention":
http://www.collaborativedivorcebc.org/process.html

I don't want to initiate divorce proceedings. The only reason I would want to be involved in a collaborative process is because I don't want an antagonistic process to leak onto the kids (which it does) and because I don't want my kids' education money to line lawyers' pockets. Yes D is by nature adversarial, but many parents in my area are choosing do thing different. You can look up the CBC documentary video online "how to divorce and not wreck the kids" to see examples of parents choosing less adversarial approaches to facilitate coparenting and in some cases to save massive sums of money (not usings Ls).

[rr22]

Also, the fact is he obviously loves his kids, so even if you have to take legal action that he CHOOSES to define as "adversarial", he's not going to abandon the kids. He still wants to spend time with them. He may get angry with you for a year, yes. But he likely will not abandon his children. And if he's that kind of guy, YOU can't change that anyway. I'm just saying don't let him dictate whether or not mediation is what's "best" for you. Especially if he spends all his time at work talking to paranoid, post-D, bitter dudes.

[rr22]

Part of the overall point may be that mediation seems non-adversarial in theory, but once lump sums and monthly sums start being discussed and you hear your H's numbers, if you are in mediation or not, if you are not in agreement with those numbers, it gets non-collaborative.

[flowmom]

H posted this on FB:

Ever since my house burned down I see the moon more clearly

That metaphor just cuts me to my core.

[rr22]

It's time for you to stay off his fb page for awhile. All his moony freedom talk is literally injurious to you. More so than all the new friend adding. You were not his jailer.

Guess what? If I dumped most of my chosen responsibilites (CHILDREN) and ran, the sky would look pretty expansive to me too. Because I'd be sitting in the backyard with a beer instead of taking care of children every night. F. him.

[motherof3]

(((FM)))