Newly Separated and Heartbroken

[ALJ]

Having mixed emotions today. I have been thinking about my kids and how they are coping with our separation. When H moved to GA, he told the kids that he was going to work. At first, they were showing signs of distress by acting out and crying easily. They would ask me "when is daddy coming home" or "is daddy living in a hotel?" I guess he thought that if he talked to them on the phone 2 or 3 times a week that that would make everything seem okay and they will be well-adjusted.

Well, it is bothering me that the kids are probably wondering when H is going to come home from "work" for good. I guess H thinks the kids are to young to understand what is going on and probably didnt know how to explain our situation to them. They are doing well right now, happy that christmas is coming, no more acting out, the questions about their dad has slowed down.

H and the kids take turns calling each other every two days. I do have to remind the kids most of the time to call him because I don't want H to think that I am stopping them from calling him. Sometimes when I ask them "do you want to call daddy?" they respond with "not now, maybe later" or "I have to watch my t.v show first."

Just wondering if I should talk with H the next time he comes to visit and ask him if he thinks this "going to work" business is damaging the kids with them hoping that he will come home to stay. Any thoughts or advice is welcomed.

[ALJ]

I am feeling a bit angry right now and would like anyones opinion on this. I know that as LBS we are not supposed beg, plead, or pursue and I have been good at this so far. Last month my H popped a disk in his back and in a round about way let me know about it through a text. He went to the emergency room and called me to let me know what the doctor said after he got home.

The next day and a few days after, I texted him asked him how his back was feeling or was it getting any better out of concern and he would return the text about the condition of his back at the time.

Now, I am sick. The last time that we spoke, I informed him that I was going to the dr and he said at the end of our conversation to let him know what the dr says. Yesterday I went to the dr and she diagnosis me with bronchitis. I send H a text telling him this and he replies "hummmm, better take care of yourself."

So, today I get the same text from H that I get everytime around this time of the month. The text says " U know I have to pay my car note." This is H text letting me know that he is going to pay his car note out of the joint account which I have no problem with because his unemployment money is deposited in there also. I have a problem because its like he totally ignored the fact that I am sick.

My problem is this, would it kill him to extend the same courtesy of inquiring about how I am doing during my time of sickness like I inquired about him during his? Is he afraid that if he asks me how I am doing that it will send me the message that he cares about me and he does not want to send me the wrong message? Is he just that selfish? I am still the mother of his kids if nothing else to him and I just think its rude of him not to bother to ask. I was thinking about sending him a text expressing my thoughts on his actions. Am I wrong for thinking this way? Any comments or thoughts would be appreciated.

[ALJ]

I have been thinking about my sitch and I realize that I still struggle with some things. Setting boundaries is one of those things. Just figuring out what kind of boundaries to set? H and I have been separated for almost 7 months. We don't live together. I have been trying to detach from him. I don't pursue him and he does not pursue me. When we do call each other it is for the kids and him to talk to each other. Most text messages between us pertain to the kids and financial situations.

H comes every 6 weeks or so to visit the kids. (He lives in GA now.) We don't sleep together when he does visit. (He sleeps in my room on the floor.) He does not initiate any physical touch with me.(we will hug and give each other a peck on the lips when he first arrives in town and before he leaves to go back home.) When H is here visiting, he does not use his key nor has he offered to give it back to me. The last time he was visiting, he did act more friendlier toward me and like his old self but I am not reading into that.

Basically, I guess H meant what he said when he voiced his not loving me anymore and us not being emotionally connected. The only cake eating that he used to do was asking me to pay his cell phone bill using our joint account (his money still is deposited in to that account) I don't make financial arrangements for him anymore and his bills go to his house now.

I do believe that he is in some sort of EA/PA. I have read plenty of posts on here not to be naive about the WAS and what their intentions are when they choose to walk away from their families. I also got a chance to view his facebook through someone who is one of his friends(h and I are not facebook friends) and from what I saw, H is soliciting women for dates using what I think is a dating application on his home page.

I am wondering if I should try to find out if there is another women just so I could have proof in case I need it. My h uses my computer when he is visiting and I saw in my history that he looks at his e-mail and goes to facebook alot.(he also has internet access on his phone so I dont know why he uses my computer.) I have seen posts about using keyloggers to get information but I'm just wondering how discreet they are and do you have to be a computer whiz to install them? I would appreciate any help regarding this matter. Would this be the right thing to do?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Is yours a "fault" state when it comes to divorce? Does your jurisdiction consider it to be "adultery" if you are separated, and he dates and/or sleeps with another woman? What would be your goal in gathering this intel?

Normally, I am in FAVOR of it, but that's usually very early in a sitch, when you're trying to determine the cause of their distance and strange behavior, so you can deal with it accordingly. If he's already been moved out this long, I'm not sure what you could accomplish.

But to answer your question, the keylogger that I'm familiar with -- eBlaster -- is VERY discreet, easy to install, and virtually undetectable.

Only do this if you think you can handle what you see, tho. It's often NOT pretty, and definitely NOT for the faint of heart!!!

Puppy

[ALJ]

Thanks Puppy for responding,

NY is a fault state when it comes to divorce. I do not want a divorce and H never said that he wanted one. I just let my emotions get the best of me and was thinking that if it ever came to him asking for one and he is with another woman then I would have proof.

I guess I am just jumping the gun. You are right, I don't think I would be able to handle any info on H and OW if that were the case. It would probably throw me back to square one and my heart would rebreak. I would go crazy thinking about what he is doing and resentment from me will definately show up during our interactions with each other. I have to get back on the DB train, I think I got off at the wrong stop. Thanks again Puppy, your experience and wisdom is really helpful.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

If I lived in a "fault" state, and I didn't think I could handle seeing the evidence myself of my spouse's adultery, I would install a keylogger, and have the reports e-mailed to a trusted third party, whom I would advise to ONLY keep me apprised via a top-line summary, or in the event of a medical (STDs) or financial (about to drain family's finances) emergency.

But that's just me.

Puppy

[ALJ]

Hello everyone,

Unfortunately, I have not posted in a while. I have been without a computer for two months and I have been very busy with my 3 girls and school. I guess I have not been divorcebusting like I should have been by being consistent with GAL. I was just chugging along trying to be positive and fighting to keep stress and anger, concerning my sitch, out of my life.

Just to recap, my H and I have been separated for 10 months now. He moved to Georgia to start a clothing line and entertainment company after turning into a stranger and announcing that he had not loved me in over 5 years. He has drove up to visit the girls for all of the major holidays and their birthdays. We had major communication issues in our marriage along with not making each other a priority in the marriage. There was no infidelity on my part. I'm most certain that he had grown emotionally attached to other women and my mind was not in the place to do anything about it, because of my own hang ups and issues with myself.

Fastforward to today. I have found out that a girl that was H secretary in his company last year before he moved away has moved down to Georgia where he is and she is now the co-owner in his new clothing line. She is 24 and lives in the same apartment complex as him. I saw her picture on the clothing line website and began to question him about her when he called to talk to the kids. That is when the truth came out. He claims that they have not been physical and that they are just good friends that go out together and have a good time with each other. I am no fool. He is obviously emotionally and possibly physically involved with her and there is probably more to the story.

I know that I let my emotions do the talking when we discussed what was going on between the two of them. I began to pressure him to tell me if he loved her, if he was happy with her, etc. He finally exploded and said " I don't know what I want", so I backed off and told him that he did not have to worry about me saying anything to him about her anymore. I was mad, confused, and hurt and it showed in my voice. We hung up.

Around midnite, I got a text from him and it said this;

"I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry for everything. I never wanted to hurt you or try to hurt you. I never thought my life would turn out this way but it is something, regardless of my reasons, that I have to live with. Is it easy? No. And it does hurt not being able to see the kids grow on a daily basis because I have been just somewhat there and I know that I owe them an apology. I know its hard on all of you because although I may not show it, it is hard on me also. Its like everything is a mess and it feels like I'm the blame for it, even though I have said that we both are. Maybe in life, I haven't made all the right choices but whatever the choices made, I am going to have to live with the consequences. If it is right or wrong, I believe God will one day show me the right way. Hopefully not when its too late. Sorry for bothering you."

I have not responded to him because I am so full of emotions. Should I still validate by just saying "I understand" ? Should I not reply at all? I have to re-dedicate myself to divorcebusting.
Things have changed in my life personally and I continue to work on myself everyday. I still love my H. Any advice is appreciated.

[ALJ]

I also would like to change my thread name as I am not "Newly Separated and Heartbroken" anymore. Even though my heart has cracked a little after yesterdays events. Not sure how to do this and was wondering if someone could tell me where the instructions are on how to do this. Thank you.

[ALJ]

Bump^

[ALJ]

Today was not a good day for me. I have been riding on this journey for almost a year now, thinking that H and I maybe had a chance to reconcile. I just got into the habit of thinking that everything is going to be okay. Then I get the news about the OW.

That sickning feeling of fear that I used to get all the time after H had announced his plan to leave, almost a year ago, has returned. My stomach has been in knots all day and my heart seems to be aching. I never had a anxiety attack before but this must be what it feels like.

My h has somewhat admitted to an emotional affair with this girl, without actually saying it. I had a feeling about the two of them when I would see pictures of them together at the promotional parties he would have for his company last year. I never questioned him about it, afraid of what he might tell me. Now this same girl has moved down to Georgia where he is and lives in the same apartment complex as him. She is also co-owner of his new company. Her picture is on the website. He tells me they started out as friends and they are still good friends. They go to the movies, out to eat, and even over to each others house. He says he has fun with her. This really hurt me and It shows one of the things that was lacking in our marriage. He claims there is nothing physical between them. I am it is just a matter of time before there will be. 9 times out of 10, their relationship is already physical.

My MIL knows about the OW. I called her and we talked. She has been so supportive of me and girls. She has always been the worlds best MIL and has not changed because of what has happened. My H has not said that this girl and him are a couple so I don't know who else knows. I feel like I am back at square one again.

My h claims he doesn't know what he wants when I started asking about his relationship with this girl so I told him I am not going to say anything else about her to him again. This is a new can of worms to me and I am back to being confused about to handle this. Should I validate, act like everything is okay, etc? H sent a text to me the day I found out about him and her (see above post) I didn't reply for almost a day and when I did I just told him that I was sorry for anything that he felt that I did wrong to him. I was just so emotional that I really did not know how to respond.


I went to the library to get books on surving affairs and other materials on self improvement. I plan on reading DR again. I still want to attempt to reconcile with my husband. I am just hurting right now trying to keep it inside for my kids sake.