Yes, you are free to ask questions about Retrouvaille here. In fact, we have a whole thread about Retrouvaille in the Piecing forum. There's a lot of info here:
I do not know if I can ask a retrouvaille question on this site or not. I am off to one this weekend with my wife of 12 years.
She has indicated she wants a divorce because she does not love me and has never loved me. We have 8 year old twins.
I think she is going simply to have us communicate better as a divorced couple.
Any thoughts on what this weekend entails? I still intend to go. You can lead a horse to water and all....
Trying but losing...
You ever hear of intention manifestation or self-fulfilling prophecy? With a name like "trying but losing", you're going to attract that in your life. You sound very negative and that's very unattractive.
I'm going to give you a small 2x4 but an important one, pick a name that is more positive, if you can't choose one, just use your first name or something to that effect.
There is no trying, Do or Do Not but no trying. Trying implies failure and seriously you sounds like it's over before anything has happened.
Start acting like a positive, attractive, good willed, confident man - that's attractive, being a negative, complaining, wussy, whining man is and will always kill a woman's attraction.
Change you or continue on this path that you're on right now. Never mind your wife, you work on and change you, in the end that's all you have control over anyways.
I'm in the opposite, it is me that hasn't loved my W (sort of arranged marriage + I'm way too impulsive but didn't know it then...)
I suggested it to my W, who reluctantly agreed, then later disagreed. I said I was going no matter what, but I hoped she would come. She then agreed again.
I don't think I'm loosing - how can you lose something that is already lost?? I'm hoping. I'm trying.
In a way, I feel like I "don't need the weekend", but then again, my kids need me trying and it is better to try this than nothing.
I have been reminded that one weekend can give a boost, or help reclaim lost ground, but it can't change bad communication patterns or get rid of all the baggage. I'm sure there are exceptions, I hope you (and my fam) are exceptions...but I'm not expecting miracles. I just hope/pray for them.
I still have to log in to get the hotel address, but I forgot the password! Stress....~
Are you going to post what happened on your weekend? I'd love to hear how it turns out for others.
I will let you know how the weekend goes. I really hope it turns out well. I hope for you that you both can go into the weekend with the "open mind and heart" they desire. I am not sure my W is entering in that mindset.
You situation is somewhat the same actually. As my W indicates that I was too convincing and overwhelming in my love that she was swept up in my passion, ie. she was too impulsive and agreed to marry me.
So she indicates her loved died and will not come back. Thus the "trying" but losing the battle. Trying to save the marriage and the family but losing so far.
So to Lotus that is the explanation for the name, I understand your points but a little less demeaning might be helpful. I am confident in my ability to try and am being strong for my family for 8 months here but the complete loss is a black cloud I try to forestall.
TBL now equals "Toward Better Love" M-44 W-42; 2 kids; married 11 years 1st bomb 10-08, reconcile 12-08 2nd bomb 8-09, moving toward reconcile 3-7-10
By sort of arranged, I mean I only wrote 3 letters to her, saw her once, never had any open converstation. I went overseas to learn a language, not to get married - I don't know what I was thinking...
For you, she was swept away - but did she feel love at the time? If so, getting it back is a possibility! Did she ever tell you what it was that grinds her bones for good or for bad?
That is a pretty long relationship for you that started in that manner. There had to be some good times right?
My W probably in a "discussion" said she never loved me, she has tried to take back a bit.
She is a somewhat quiet reserved person and to a certain degree was drawn in by my exuberance. So she rarely, if ever, tells he what grinds her bones for good for for bad.
Actually I take that back, she tells me what she doesn't like quite often... me (lol)
TBL now equals "Toward Better Love" M-44 W-42; 2 kids; married 11 years 1st bomb 10-08, reconcile 12-08 2nd bomb 8-09, moving toward reconcile 3-7-10
Please don't confuse me with Robx. I did not criticize your name choice. I will say to both of you that I believe that going in with an open mind and a willing heart is the key to getting the most out of the weekend. And don't hesitate to ask one of the lead couples for help if you and your spouse are having trouble following all the rules. They are there to help you.
Retrouvaille is an opportunity. Most of the people on this forum are jealous of any couple together enough to get both people to commit to the weekend. Just walking in the door is a small success. If you do what they tell you to do, you will have more successes there. I will be thinking of both of you all weekend, and will look forward to hearing your reports on Monday.
Thanks for the answer, by the way, I am taking your advice to heart. I agree with what you noted, a little painful perhaps, but good advice.
I am very pleased that she is willing to go to the weekend. I had brought it up months ago and she was not interested, she actually brought it up this time (and then she agreed that night to watch Fireproof which someone had given us months before).
She has a friend that went to Retrouvaille and got divorced and said to her it was a good way to learn to communicate better post divorce.
So I am a bit leery of her true motives, but look forward to the weekend. Sounds a bit challenging and exhausting (per TrentC's post).
What I am perplexed about is asking her "hey are you coming with an open mind and willing heart?" Because I prefer her to go with a closed mind and closed heart vs. not going at all. Thoughts?
TBL now equals "Toward Better Love" M-44 W-42; 2 kids; married 11 years 1st bomb 10-08, reconcile 12-08 2nd bomb 8-09, moving toward reconcile 3-7-10
You have agreement on going to Retrouvaille, so there is no reason to bring up any questions except, "what should we bring?" Don't challenge her.
You will be able to tell by lunchtime Saturday if she is stonewalling you, or being open and honest with her answers. In my opinion, there is no reason to not be open and honest, it's a great opportunity to say what has been bothering you and actually be heard! But if she is stonewalling, then I would recommend that at lunch or during one of the breaks, you approach a team couple and let them know that you are having trouble. The team couples are just wonderful. I don't see how anyone can talk to them and not be moved. You should not try to convince your wife of anything, just follow the program, and if you need help, ask for it.
You will see. It's not like anything else you've ever done. Try not to go in tired on Friday. Retrouvaille is not the place to try to catch up on your sleep!
