Wife wants separation, is there still hope?

[OfficerInNeed]

I have a long back story but I will keep it short. My W and I have been together for 10 years and a couple months now. We have only been married for 5 months. For a good part of our relationship I became a jerk toward her and started to exhibit controlling behavior. I was so insecure about losing her that I tried to dictate everything she did. In addition I felt the need to put her down and lower her self-esteem from time to time so she would feel as if I was the only who wanted her. So after years of mental and emotional abuse my W wants to separate from me. These actions became our way of life. From time to time she would indicate that I was mean and that I hurt her and stupid me would just blow it off like it was nothing that she was overreacting and when she told me she would leave in the past I would just think she was bluffing because she would not leave. Turns out she loved me more than I ever thought.

All was not bad in our past. We have shared some great times and have many good memories together. Despite my actions and words we both felt that we were meant for each other. We have so much in common.

Although we had some rough times and I was not would you would call a “great person” neither one of us had second thoughts about getting married. Shortly after our marriage we fulfilled a dream we had for so long and bought our first home. At the time I was living the dream, great career, beautiful wife and a house. Unfortunately marriage did not change my ways and much of the same abuse continued. It just felt routine and one day I pushed her to her breaking point.

She broke the news to me on January 24th that she wanted a separation. At first I thought she was bluffing again but as the hours past since she walked out the door I then realized she was not playing a game. She did return home that night after having a serious conversation with her father. I tried to apologize and talk to her about the situation but she just shut me out. My W did express to me her feelings and what brought it to this point (I already knew). She told me “I love you but I am not in love with you” and that it was over.

With all the silent treatment I too had time to myself to thing about what went wrong. The more I would recollect on the past and replay in my head things I have said or done to her the more I knew the severity of our situation and reality struck me right in the gut and I knew I was going to lose the love of my life.

So I started to apologize and beg for another chance. I would constantly tell her “I will change.” She simply said in response “I can never forgive you or forget and therefore can never be happy so it is over.”

Knowing what caused this I began to seek help. I started to speak to a counselor that my job provided. I was able to gain control of my anger problems and ways to improve on my insecurities. I realized how messed up I really was but how now had a better understanding, a clear head and a whole new outlook on life. I have a greater appreciation for wife and our marriage and now more than ever wanted to work thought this situation.

My wife had refused counseling. She was sure it would not work. We are five weeks later and past month has been a rollercoaster. Some days it seemed like we were getting back on track then the next she would be back to shutting me out. She had told me that once her father had an apartment ready for her, she was moving out. I begged and pleaded not to do this that we can make it through this and all this only annoyed her and caused her to shut me out more. Some days I felt like she was minutes from walking out the door.

Desperately trying to save our marriage on my own, I started to read books, articles and seek advice from friends and family. I tried to overwhelm her with love and gifts, at first it seemed to have an affect on her but she would tell me “you have not done this in years and all of a sudden you do it now, it does not seem real.” She it was a matter of convincing her that she could trust me and believe this was real. She told me gifts do nothing for her. So I stopped the gifts. I would still tell her how much I love her and care about her and wanted it to workout. I would leave her notes ect. Soon enough she started saying she loved me and shut me out more and of course reminded me that once the apartment is ready she is walking out the door.

Not getting too discouraged I continued to improve my ways and try to make it work. Some days would seem good considering and then I would ask for another chance and she would shut me back out again.

I soon discovered a new approach and was told it is better to back off in this situation. Give her time and space. Days had gone by and I would tell her how much I love her and do for her and offer to do everything. She still would not say “I love you” back and still was getting annoyed and tell me she will be leaving soon enough.

My W went into a slump where she would no longer do house chores and would just sleep all day when she was not at work. Also turns out she has made a good friend at work of the opposite sex. According to one my best friends who is her co-worker it seems to be just that and nothing more at the moment.

I learned about the LRT and have been trying my best to keep committed to it and her is where we stand

- she still does not say “I love you” and I don’t say it to her
- she still does not wear her ring, but I still wear mine
- in the past couple days she has done some work around the house
- some times she speaks in future tense, I learned not to feed off that cause then she will retract her statement and say she will be leaving anyway.
- I don’t ask her to stay so therefore she does not say “I’m leaving.”
- Some days she shuts me out completely and others were talking again and sometimes about things to do in the future.
- The apartment is still not ready

Like I said it has been a rollercoaster and I am trying my best to stay on track. I have been doing the LRT for 5-6 days now and hope it is working. I mean there are positives and negatives.
Any other advice of how I can read her better and figure out if she is staying or going…or things to try in addition to the LRT?

Thank you.