Spouse Suffering From Depression

[nicole8]

Lucky,
I read most of you posts here and feel like we have a situation very much in common. I too am beyond frustrated. Where do I begin?

My husband and I have been married 7 years. In mid September 09 my husband told me he hasn't been happy for two years...I know this is true & have noticed him being unhappy...He sort of put an emotion wall up and wouldn't really tell me how he was feeling or thinking. I truly think he is depressed. How could he not be unhappy, his father (He had a very strong connection/relationship with him) passed away 2.5 years ago & he has become increasingly frustrated with feeling like he hasn't accomplished a career and is a failure in general. Totally signs of depression and I think he has been fighting back the feelings for awhile now.

So September 09 rolls around & he tells me he is unhappy & we have "nothing in common" and we should maybe be divorced. Ouch. He left & ended up staying with a friend. He was gone about two & half weeks & we were in contact during that time but I did all of the usual wrong things, begged, pleaded, etc. I asked if there was someone else & he said "no". When I did see him he was just uncomfortable & agitated most of the time & it was for just short periods. He did come home after the initial two weeks & he confessed that he did love me & he was wrong & home for good.

Great! Well, less that two weeks later he was in and out of the house at weird times and staying out late. I really sensed he was seeing someone...he denied it. He did eventually go stay at his Mom's house. We were in contact but he always seemed irritated w/me and I still suspected he was talking to another woman. He admitted talking to another woman but that she was a friend and she knows he is married. I talked with his Mom around this time & she brought up that she thinks he might be depressed (she is a nurse after all & it runs in her family) Pretty good Mom advice I thought.

In the beginning of November he asks me to come over to his Mom's because he is "having a hard day". I arrived & he was overly emotional and sobbing. He was upset at himself for acting the way he was and wasn't sure why he was trying to ruin our marriage. He came back to our house & was "depressed" for the next week or so. Very unmotivated and basically just had a "blank" look in his eyes. He did tell me that the OW I suspected was correct & that he wasn't sure how he let her weasle her way into his life. He said that it wasn't a physical relationship. He did ask me to block her number on his cell phone. A week later he unblocked it and was calling her again. He began staying at his Mom's & talking/texting w/her continually through early December. Until again he breaks down sobbing & is all emotional & isn't sure what is happening, he thinks maybe he is depressed but he isn't sure again why he is acting or doing what he is doing or what he is feeling.

He stays home again for a few days & then he is back at his Mom's, calling/texting and seeing the OW. He did come home a few days before Christmas and stayed until Christmas Day night, he left again after texting with the OW....he then stays at his mom's house again until early January. He comes home in early January and asks if I can ever forgive him and that he is upset at himself for ruining my Christmas, New Years and Christmas break. But... you guessed it. Three days later he left again and stayed at his Mom's until the end of January.

In the middle of January I found Michelle's Dbing website and I set up a session with a coach and was very motiviated after my session. I read most of Divorce Remedy and I feel like my husband is going through some depression or maybe even an early MLC. I am by far not perfect, but I think this is mostly about him and not me. He has told me that it isn't me, it is him. He has told me that I am perfect and that he married "up" and he is holding me back becasue he is a looser.

He did tell me on Jan 19th (Tuesday) that he thought he should file for divorce. I told him that I thought if he needed to he should. I couldn't stop or tell him what to do. I told him my life would be great with or without him, hopefully with him though. I think that got him thinking... I didn't communicate with him for the next four days and only responded if he initiated a text message. He was in contact all of those days..and he asked how I was doing and I told him I was "fine" and I think he was confused by my response. We spent time together on Sunday. He seemed very different almost as if he was out of his depression cloud partially.

Two days later I was at a movie and he stopped by the house (he texted wanting to know where I was)...again different behavior from him. Two days later again he comes by after work unannounced. He fell asleep on the couch and came to our bed at 2 in the morning and cuddled with me instead of sleeping on the edge of his side. He has been at home now almost for a whole month. Just this Friday though, he sent me a text and said he was staying at his Mom's and he needs to do some "thinking". WTF.

The whole relationship with the OW seems pretty high school plus the OW is 10 years younger and is leaving for school on the opposite side of the country in 3 months. I'm pretty sure she doesn't want a long distance relationship with a divorcee who is 10 years older. I think when he spends time with her it helps him to cope with his depression or it is a vacation from the reality of the world, our marriage and his depression.

Things changed for the whole month he was at home. He seemed to be really trying to control his actions and the frustration, anger and iritability he normally would have shown. He broke down a few times and told me again he wasn't sure why he felt the way he did and that he feels so unmotivated, confused and lost. He complains about aches and has been having some digestive issues lately which are symptoms of depression.

I would love words of advice if you have any but mostly I am just venting as I have been on this roller coaster for five months. The saying "two steps forward one step back" really applys to my life.

M 33
H 33
Together 13 years
Married 7 years
No kids
1 dog

[awest1217]

Lucky, you really need to decide how long you are willing to wait. I am not saying this is completely true, but it is starting to seem that H does love you and wants to stay married, but he doesn't want any of the responsibility. He likes that he can be a "bachelor husband". I know you want to wait until after his surgery to do anything, which I respect, but you really need to do some thinking about when you feel you have done enough and you feel ready to say I am done. If H doesn't want to get back together until he is "successful" in his eyes...that could be years like you said, and do you want to wait years to have a real family? You deserve more, and I am sure although your parents are helpful, you might want to get back out on your own at some point. H is really making some small progress, but are you willing to wait another 4 or 5 years for him? If you are great! Do that and find ways to keep yourself strong, and if not, think about when you feel enough is enough. Not a date, but a situation or something because you have had at least one guy express interest in you. I am sure there is more out there and you deserve someone whether it is H or someone else who will treat you better than you are being treated.

[Lucky11too]

I completely agree. The term "bachelor husband" nails it on the head! I've been thinking about this too. I'm a little in the wait and see mood right now, as I want to see if the sleep surgery helps him or not, but after that, I'm think I'm gong to have to address some of these issues head on. I've been avoiding them for now b/c he really has not been in an emotional mindset to do so with his ADD and depression so bad. It's the sleep surgery is not successful (I know I'll have to give it a little time to let his sleep cycle to to get back in order and help his ADD), I want to make sure he goes back to the ENT and/or psychiatrist to explore other options. As long as he keeps trying, I can keep trying (in that sense, no matter how long it takes). But on the other hand, I am not going to wait around, just so he can make more money. That is where the difference lie for me. Also to address as his issues start getting resolved is MC. Like I said, as long as he keeps working on himself and towards us, I can keep going with him. But he is not willing to progress us (MC) and himself (getting ADD/depression under livable control), then I cannot continue either. So like you said, not trying to make specific date timelines, but keeping an idea of how events need to progress. But I do know this current situation is not how I want to or should be treated, and if H can't step up, then I will at some point need to move on.

So specifics of yesterday, I asked H what time he worked and he responded right now, so then I asked him if he wanted to do lunch. No response. A few hours later, "sorry it took me so long to respond, but I can't make lunch work." Um, ok, I appreciate him finally responding and not ignoring me, but what was he doing? Checking his options? That night he texted to ask about S and I respond. A little bit later, he texts that he is bored. I'm just laying in bed, so I text him back about different random things, just to chat b/c he's bored. But then I don't hear back from him again and then he just answers the questions in list form (but I'm glad didn't just ignore me). To that, I just say I'm tired and good night and he responds good night. So that was that. I don't know. I struggle a bit with how to act with him. Like I keep saying, I don't really know where he is at with us, so I don't know what he expects from me. So, I guess we'll just see how this week goes. Anniversary on Thursday!

[awest1217]

Don't put too much into the anniversary so you aren't disappointed. I know that is hard to do, but especially if H is in a down, he may not do anything at all. You sound like you have figured out what you want so now is just waiting. Stay strong!

[Lucky11too]

H and I texted a bit last night before I went to bed. Kind of the usual. H asks about how S was, I respond about S then ask about how his night is going, he reponds, etc. The only new thing was that he threw in there about going out for our anniversary on Friday instead of Thursday b/c then it wouldn't be a work night for me. I said that was fine but that I would still like to see him at least at Thursday. He responds with an "Ok, we'll see", so I called him out on his "we'll sees", which he just laughed off. He asked what I wanted to do and I just said that was up for anything and that since he was the area guru now, I would let him decide. He said that sounded like a plan. So now it's all in his lap. I think he'll definitely plan something, but I imagine that's it going to be doing something he likes (going out) and not what I would have planned (something romantic). But I'm just letting it go and whatever happens happens, so that way I can't be dissapointed. It just can't be any worse then last year (him talking on the phone to girl coworker on the way to dinner, texting all thru dinner [I actually took out my phone & texted him, hello, I'm over here], then me finding texts coming in from OW1 right after we had been intimate. No good!). But yeah, definitely, in a much better place this year, so if nothing else, I'm just hoping to spend some good time with H this week. Oh, and he's got his ENT appt tomorrow morning (finally got all that insurance craziness worked out). Yay!

[awest1217]

You are definitely in a good place. Just plan for the best, but expect the worst, but you are right, nothing could be worse than last year. I am glad he is going to the ENT. At least there is some progress there so you can finally get to someplace in this situation.

[Lucky11too]

A little bit of a distaster yesterday, but not between me and H. Quick background, H's sister is a very wonderful lady, but an absolute horrible parent. Her H was an alcoholic and druggie, so their 3 kids grew up around that (now my niece and newphews). Her H recently became a Christian, cleaned up his life, and is really becoming a great guy. Unfortunately, it's a little late for the kids, esp the oldest two. So the oldest one just got kicked out of school a month ago (a senior) finally for failing too many classes. He is 18 now, so isn't even eligible to go the the district continuation school. So now he sits around doing nothing all day and no one cares (parents or grandparents) or does anything about it. It's all just very frustrating. It's like, make him take responsibility for himself! So anyways, yesterday, he was at my MIL (his grandma's) and H came. My newphew starts picking on S a little and H starts going off on him. Then it just blows up from there with H calling him a loser, etc. (I don't know the exacts, but this is what I'm hearing from MIL). They were yelling and almost starting to fist fight. The worst part was that S was standing there and was just screaming. It's tough b/c I completely agree with H about the situation with the newphew, but that was not the way to handle it! I was so mad that he acted that way in front of S! Poor little guy doesn't understand what's going on - he justs see the fighting and that scared him. H then goes off on his parents for being bad parents/grandparents and leaves. I talked to him later that night to see how he was and he was totally cool with me. He was just very matter-of-fact about how he doesn't want to have anything to do with his parents or newphew if they are going to continue to enable him to be a loser and druggie. It's hard to argue with that and I didn't want to get in the middle of that, so i just smoothed it over the best I could and changed the subject.

In good news, H went to the ENT appt this morning, and they want to do the tonsil surgery in 2 weeks and have H lose 20 pounds, and then retake the sleep study and see where he is at. They'll explore other options at that time (C-pap machine, more surgery, etc) if he still has problems with the sleep apnea. So happy that we are starting somewhere and have a plan in place to tackle this sleep apnea!

[awest1217]

I think it is interesting that H is mad at his parents for enabling his nephew when they do the same thing for him. Otherwise you did a good job not bringing that up and just letting H know you understand how he is feeling. At least he is standing up for S.

I am happy about the surgery. Definitely progress! Do you think H will stay with you after he gets the surgery? He will need someone to take care of him for a little bit.

Have a good night and Happy Anniversary in advance.

[Lucky11too]

Exactly. It's like that saying, "the pot calling the kettle black". haha. Yes, his parents are the master enablers, but I think H is a lot more like the newphew then he would like to admit.

So surgery is planned for the last weekend in March - so 3 weeks! He will spend the first night in the hospital. I would like to be there for him as much as possible, but I don't know how much he will allow me to. I don't think he will be able to stay with me tho after that b/c we have a cat and he is deathly allergic to cats, and with his asthma, he can't really handle more than 1 night. Maybe he'll stay with his parents or maybe he'll just tough it out on his own?

So anniversary today. Unfortunately, I don't think I'm going to see H today. Instead, last night, when I went to go pick up S, H was there. I was totally shocked after his blow up with his family the day before. But he said he was over it and doesn't let things get to him anymore. Interesting. Then he wanted to do dinner with me, so I invited him over to dinner with my family. He was super helpful and fed S for me while we ate, so that I could actually eat warm food (S can feed himself, but he still doesn't understand potion control and will throw everything in his mouth at once & start choking! So, we still have to feed him one bite at a time). But it was great of H to step up a bit. Then he helped me bathe S and get him ready for bed. We talked for a bit about everything and then he left awhile later. Lot's of good talk, but the one negative thing was that he was talking about the single bedroom apartments he was looking at again and was talking about how much they cost, etc. So I kind of threw in there about how much 2 bedroom apartments were and it kind of freaked him out, so then I kind of tried to recoil a bit. I kind of just wanted to throw that carrot out there to see where he was at, and now I know. It's sad that he seems to want to be apart of our lives but still not want to make a "home" with us. =/

So going back to today, last night, H said that he would probably not being seeing me today, and that he would just see me when we get together on Friday. He thought his time with me last night should count - which I appreciate - but still, I'm a girl, and i'm emotionally tied to dates. Today is our actually day and I would have liked to have seen him. Oh, well. There's always tomorrow to look forward to. As far as gifts and cards, he said he didn't want any of that, so whatever, but I decided to make beef jerkey (his favorite!) just to do a little something. I am not expecting anything in return, but i just wanted to do a little something special.

So, newest happenings, H just texted me now to see if S needed anything from the store (a first), so I let him know a few items. So it's good that he seems to be stepping up a bit as a father with S and I hope it continues. Spending a few hours a week with S and buying him a thing or two is not a father, but it's a good place to start. So wwe'll see how the rest of today goes!

[awest1217]

With the apartment, you do know his temperature now, and that may change after the surgery and he starts getting some sleep and thinking more clearly. It may not, but it might.

It is really awesome that he is doing things for S. It might be now that S is older and H is able to interact with him more, that is why he is showing more interest. My OBGYN told me, when he asked me about my weight loss and I told him my sitch, said that many 1st time dads go through this and once the baby is older and able to interact more the dads come around. Maybe that is the case here.

It is also good that since H did know in advance he wasn't going to see you today that he did make plans for tomorrow. IT stinks, but he was at least thoughtful ahead of time.

Have a good day!