but THREE TIMES. am i the idiot for always letting him come back?
I think your name says it - not an idiot but someone with hope and love - that's awesome!
I totally get the fear side. Do you want to be 40 and have him leave again for good or for some woman who gets to him? I wouldn't have started my D stuff if my wife hadn't been saying that she wanted to leave when the kids grew up, telling me that someone was getting a house ready in another city, etc. I don't think she'll be saying that so often, but I can't guarantee she won't. My challenge, beyond love, is trust as well. I thought, 'I've stuck with this woman despite not feeling love, I've cared for her and her kids, I've tried to be happy with her and accept things, and here she is saying that SHE's leaving when I'm old and unlikely to remarry??'. Then I thought about what I did to cause her feeling this way. I'm trying as you are to change those. You didn't do that the first two times, if I understood right. I also didn't do enough to solve things.
So I figure, I am at least partly to blame. So I'll do what I can to make things actually work. If they do, I'm 80% sure I'll be in it for the long run. I can't say much for her, other than I expect at least 80% committment from her, too.
You're right. You don't have kids and a mortgage. You are almost 30, and many 40 year old women don't remarry (statistically speaking). So it is a bigger risk for you to stay because you have less to lose now.
As long as you are not giving in, what is the risk in trying it for another year or two? If it doesn't work, I'm guessing you'll know by then. ADHD = impulsivity and a mouth that is a bit loose. My W told me she loves that about me - that I don't choose (or can!) keep secrets from her. If I am not happy, I will say so. I think your H will too - just don't put the words in his mouth in a moment of anger(!)
You know that some of his issues are not going anywhere. He will keep going out. He will fear losing friendships and will forget you at times because what he enjoys isn't always the same. For me, it is (obviously) too much on the computer, but the feeling of being a good provider is a hard one to beat down - work can be overdone. You've mentioned the benefits, too. Maybe during your trip you could spend some time evaluating the faults as they are, and decide if you want (not can) accept them long-term. If you aren't happy and trying to change him, it might just cause more problems down the road.
Trust can be shown. He is separated. He goes out. Still, as far as you know, he isn't sleeping around. That is trust. He is being honest and telling you what he's thinking. That is trust.
Your mom may mean well (as does my dad), but if it is confusing you and hurting him, then something needs to change. Either he accepts being hurt, or you accept the confusion and issues of loyalty, or whatever. Your writings about the run ins are just that - run ins. Maybe an IC could start there...? Stand up for him like you would a very close friend, and you'll probably do well. While I believe Jesus was a prophet, maybe think, "what would Jesus do if someone was gossiping or attacking a person?"
