Well not the best way to stay dark...he showed up here tonight. I told him that I did not want to talk. He came singing a different tune.
He said that he ended it with the OW. Told her that is was fantasy and would never work. They would never trust eachother etc etc etc. I have heard this before. He asked what he would need me to do to prove to me that it is over. We have done the no contact letter before and I have heard all the lines. I asked him if he would be willing to tell her in front of me that he is recommitted to his marriage and loves his wife and that the relationship with her is over.. he responded "you want me to hurt her?". I told him that I didn't care if she got hurt..she was messing with a married man.. would she expect anything less?
He then proceeded to tell me that his therapist told him that he lacked empathy for other people and that it was a problem. What does this mean????
I asked some details about the affair which was probably a mistake. She made him dinner for Valentines day. They went to the movies and rented a movie one night. They grabbed a bite to eat several times. I am so angry- that is half of my money that he is wining and dining another woman with!!!
He wants to come home at the end of the month and make a go of our marriage. He hasn't proved to me anything. And this "I lack empathy" thing... what does this mean?? is this something that is fixable? He still has this angry thing about him...he was here for almost 2 hours... and during certain parts of our conversation.. he had to keep himself in check. It is so interesting to watch. He can control himself as long as he makes a conscious effort to control his emotions and try to be sensitive- but it is so not natural for him.
Do I remain dark? I think I need to. You are right.. I need to see action instead of talk. He told me he never stopped loving me throughout this whole thing. Said that he was unhappy. She was 180% different than I was. We have a stable life with dogs, bbq's, dinner parties, etc... she was the opposite of all that. What to make of this? He asked me if I ever longed for something different.. I told him that if the mail clerk in my office was hot as hell.. but had multiple illegitimate children..not a pot to piss in...and slept around- I would find him not one bit attractive. Perhaps superficial..but don't we all long for something better than that?
I asked some details about the affair which was probably a mistake. She made him dinner for Valentines day. They went to the movies and rented a movie one night. They grabbed a bite to eat several times. I am so angry- that is half of my money that he is wining and dining another woman with!!!
....
He told me he never stopped loving me throughout this whole thing. Said that he was unhappy.
Take a minute and read this outloud to yourself. Not read it in your mind, but actually say it out loud with your voice.
you are right knittedscarff...what is loving about having an affair? It is the most selfish act that a person can ever commit. I don't think he has acted 'loving' at all. Do people change? Do I just continue to wait and watch? or do I just walk away? Got an email from my attorney last night..she is going to call me this morning to discuss some of the questions I have.
I think I am dealing with the same symptom lack of empathy. Look up Histrionic Personality Disorder. That is my big concern. They don't register what their actions can do to other people. There is no connection with that emotion. My W when I found out about the affair and had to read all the texts back and forth about how much she wanted to be with OM and then emails about their sexcapades all she could say was "I never meant to hurt you". WTF? You know what your doiong. You know right from wrong you just choose yourself. And of course "Im sorry" but they know how to use words. They know what to say. They know how to lie because there is no guilt. No empathy.I though she was going through a hard time and it will pass. She has consistently shown me that no matter what she says she is most capable of making the selfish choice which is to follow her hedonistic whims.
I don't know if this can be cured. What I have read is that is very difficult to treat. And the most important thing is they have to want to get help.
One question: Is he in the habit of showing you unsolicited affection? Like does he caress you out of trhe blue, kiss you out the blue, rub yoiur shoulders that kind of thing?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
We havent been intimate since mid November- when I found out the affair continued. I moved out for a short period and then he has been out of the house since January 1st. But typically, he is not a very affectionate man. He doesn't really like to be massaged and not much of a cuddler. Never has been. I have to read about Histrionic.
Just read a list of symptoms.. doesn't sound like him at all. He almost runs from intimacy. He behaves like a teenager at times...likes to pick fights over the most ridiculous things...lacks emotional maturity.
My husband wants me to come up with ways for him to prove that it is over with her and that it will never start up again. Would it be inappropriate to ask him to put the house on it? If he begins his affair again.. he walks away from the house? I have read about this type of arrrangement before in several articles. Just want to know anyone's opinion on it.
If things don't work in our marriage... that is one thing... but I refuse to give this another go if he is going to go back and do the same thing over again. I need to know this is a risk worth taking...if there was a risk assessment done on my marriage right now... not looking good. I need some insurance..big time.
and would it be OK to demand he be on some kind of medication? or is seeing a therapist enough for now? Let the therapist handle it? I guess I am kind of surprised that the doctor has not offered him anything yet. I have friends that get offered antidepressants because they put on 5 lbs. My husband has been told that he is unhappy with his life and does not show empathy...
That's an interesting way to look at it. Highly risky sitch what is the reward? When you invest $ you get paid for the risk right?
My point in asking about the affection is that is something that is not really present with my W either. She is not he initiator of affection or real intimacy. I think it's the empathy thing.
I think there is no reason you have to commit to him right now. He has had you under the gun with this lease thing. You are in charge here. Let it ride for a while and see what happens with him. He is trying to press you bc he wants to control. I would defintely make it a condition thathe has to be in therapy for is empathy issues. Treatment is a block box though. My W is in treatment but I don't know what's going on there. She only sees dr. 20 mins a month so I think it's more for meds. Maybe someone else can offer some advice here but I think the empathy thing is a big red flag and not sure it can be treated.
I think it comes down to what you want. You know you got a risky sitch here. It depends on how much work you are willing to put in here. You're young so if you look at this objectively-as an investment- would you make the investment? Will the pay off be big enough? Only you can say. You have to weigh your values and how much they will be compromised by either decision whether you stay or go.
Gritter
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
