how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

OTM, i guess i mean that if my H knocked on my door today and said, hey, let's work this out, it would be very difficult for him to show me that i can trust him again. he has left not just once or twice, but THREE TIMES. am i the idiot for always letting him come back? i don't know. but how do you start a family with someone who has walked away from the commitment of our M more than one time ALREADY? it only gets harder with children and mortages and all the other stress that life brings!

last time we reconciled, it was all about talk. talk talk talk. he wrote me these amazing letters and bowled me over with promises to be a better man and do this and that and i believed it all. his actions backed up his words for about 2 months before he slowly started slipping back into his old behaviors...spending less and less time with me, more time at work, more time with his buddies, drinking more, going out more...so, i guess what i'm saying is that even IF we did decide to work on the M, i don't even know HOW i would go about learning to trust this man again.

but yes, my mom is a tough cookie. i'm having lunch with her today before i leave for my service trip. i know she just wants to be a part of my life and that her idea of marriage is very different from mine and that she's just lashing out right now because she can't believe someone would hurt her baby girl AGAIN by walking away from the vows that he made.

talia, i have an appointment with a new therapist today and i'm hoping we have a good connection, because she's also a certified yoga instructor, so hopefully she could help me build that practice into my therapy.

that is a good idea about letting my H know i would stand up for him. i mean, i did stand up for him once before when he left and my family was ready to kick him to the curb...but i don't feel like i would DEFEND him to my family right now. i would defend my decisions and my right to decide what is best for me, and my right to work on my M if i so choose, but i don't know what i could honestly say to my family right now in defense of my H. yes, he's seeking the help of an IC. yes he's apologized. but he still left. AGAIN.