Haven't posted in a while but have been checking in on others from time to time. Just a summary of my sitch: married 24 years. 2 children -ages 20 and 17. 3 years ago - H began an EA with a W at work (we both work in the same place). Started as friend to both of us but then he developed a close friendship and it went on from there. I questioned him about this. H said he was unhappy in our M. I hadn't made him a priority. Didn't feel loved, my job was more important to me than he was, etc. Guess I made some mistakes. Things were very bad then a little better then bad again. Started d'bing a little less than a year ago. Now- seems like thing with OW has cooled off I think. Some things have improved. Intimacy especially but this is also up and down. Never says ILY but sometimes acts like he does. Seems to be trying at times -spends more time at home, tries not to do things that hurt me. But we never talk. About our R or anything about our feelings. This has been hard. We still don't do things together much as a couple just the 2 of us. I really long for this and don't know how to make it happen. It seems like he doesn't really enjoy my company. Doesn't seem happy when we're together and I don't know what to do. How do you make someone enjoy spending time with you? Is this possible? Open for suggestions? Lyn
Hi Still struggling with the same issues. Had a bad night tonight. Seems like we're stuck moving nowhere. Don't get me wrong, some things are better. But tonight, he invited people over after I had gone to the store to buy dinner food. I was all set to prepare dinner for us (H, our S and me) when he informed me that he invited people over for wine and cheese. Usually I am ok with this on the spur of the moment stuff which he always does. He could tell it bothered me a little although I didn't say anything or complain because I don't want to be the party pooper.I ended up cooking for all of us which again I am ok with. It's just that I am never consulted. It's always about him and what he wants to do. He talks about what he wants to talk about but when I try to talk I feel shut down. Since I have been d'bing I try not to discuss things that I feel will not bring me closer to my goals. But this issue is really starting to bother me. No it's not starting, it has always bothered me. I'm frustrated. What to do? Help me stay on the d'bing track. Lyn
You can start by making him responsible for himself and you being responsible for yourself. So, when HE invites folks over ask what He plans on feeding them! If he balks, gently, lovingly tell him that if he would like you to be involved in feeding guests, you would love that, as long as you are involved in the invitation process, as well. Give it a shot. And if HE invites some folks over, without consulting you...what about taking son out to eat and leaving him to deal with his party...on his own? Don't do it nasty, just say something like you had plans to go out for pizza with/child and aren't going to break them...maybe you'll see him and his guests when you get back. Tell him to have a great time and then, go! Or try some variation of that..
Makes him responsible for caring for guests he has invited..not you.
It's worth a shot, don't you think? Actions speak louder than words, so don't just talk about this...act on it. Then, if he consults you about having guests...go out of your way to make a good meal, nice snacks, whatever...and be a great hostess...that will positively reinforce him having consulted you.
Just don't walk away from his unannounced party plans angry...just walk away calmly and nicely. Let him know that HAD YOU KNOWN or BEEN CONSULTED...you might have been available to help him with his guests.
Hello Lyn, You and I seem to be moving along the same 'time line' M wise.
I think one of the things that frustrates some of us is the realization that A or no A our H's are and have always been so self absorbed that seeing our needs may never be easy OR possible for them.
That leaves us to decide if what they do bring to our R is good enough for US. T2
Alaskangal, Pam, and T2, Thank you so much for your feedback. Alaskangal, I will take your advise. I have thought about doing something like that but haven't quite worked up the nerve. I feel so frustrated. I'm trying to be nice and supportive but I don't feel that I am getting this back. Don't get me wrong some things are better-a lot better.He has been staying away from OW (as far as I can tell anyway). He does have a friendship with the single girl next door but so far this seems innocent. But I'm keeping a close watch. He must be getting something from these other female relationships that he is not getting from me. I have nothing against men and women developing friendships. In fact, I think it can be healthy if it is kept within boundaries. It's when he can spend an hour talking to someone else but will say little or nothing to me. Also, he never listens to my stories anymore. Maybe they're boring. Maybe he thinks I'm boring. Who knows? Can any of you help me become more interesting? Lyn
Quote: It seems like he doesn't really enjoy my company. Doesn't seem happy when we're together and I don't know what to do. How do you make someone enjoy spending time with you? {and a more current post starts with...} Still struggling with the same issues.
What my W and I would end up doing is getting in a rut of doing the same old thing day after day, night after night. No matter how upbeat an air I would put on, if we were stuck in our routine for too long, CAW would get moody.
What if after work during the week, you treat yourselves to a dinner out ... and then periodically go to a dance club or the movies or just walk the mall to window shop. What are some his interest? Is there something he would like to do that you like to partake in.
Putting aside that H didn't involve you on inviting guess (to which you have already received good advise on), you H seems to have an interest in hosting a social gathering. What if you planned the next time you had friends over or accept an invite over at their place after mentioning it to H first of course.
KAW, Thanks for stopping by my post. I took you up on your advise and we had a spontaneous midweek dinner out. It went pretty well. It was calm, a little strained but ok. My H loves football and there is a game on Sunday. My thought was to invite friends (both of our friends) over on Sunday. Maybe that would be fun for him. Football Sunday in the past was his entertaining time. That was how all this started with the OW. He would invite her over with some of his buddies and others. Then things escalated from there. But this time I will just invite couples that we're both friends with.What do you think? Lyn
Hi All, Just venting. No real changes. H seems distant. We seem to be in limbo. Not many setbacks but no real movement forward either. H seems unhappy. Need to get a handle on how things are going. Positives: -Most interaction is polite. -H is here and rarely goes places without me. Seems to be trying to spend more time at home. -Helps around the house. -We sleep together and make love. -I think his thing with OW is over or at least he's not as involved. -Seems to try hard not to upset me. Negatives: -H seems distant and unhappy. -Moody and often snaps. -Doesn't talk to me much. Shows no interest in talking to me about me. Shows no interest in input from me. - Rarely asks about my day. - Conversation is limited. -Doesn't spend time with me (either sitting and talking, running errands, or anything for that matter).
No matter what I have tried I have not been able to impact the negatives. Anyone else going through this? Lyn
