Having a bad Day

[BrownEyes]

The long story is here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1944932#Post1944932

I'm just feeling completely hopeless today. It has been a week since I've done the DB and all I keep replaying over in my mind is all the things my husband has said to me over the past year. "It's just not there any more." "I'm not atrratcted to you and I can't help it." "I want to be excited when I come home." "I love you but I'm not in love with you." "I dont think I can try anymore".

It is all very confusing because he has said he doesnt want to try anymore but hasn't left. He is still affectionate (to a point) - kissing my forehead, asking for a hug, etc. These are obviously good things but it is confusing because if he doesnt want to be married to me or to try why does he keep this up.

He never initiates sex unless he is drunk and then it literrally last about 2 minutes. When I inititate I almost always get turned away or he can't maintain an erection which he has made very clear is my problem and not his. He apparently didnt have that problem when he was with prosistues and having an affair.

I am overweight and Ive deperately been trying to lose but I have PCOS which has made it very difficult for any weight to come off. I have been on weight watchers for a month and excersiing 5 days a week and have only lost 1 poound.

This whole thing is mainly confusing because he says one thing but then kind of does another.

I'm losing hope fast.

[newmama]

I'm just feeling completely hopeless today. It has been a week since I've done the DB and all I keep replaying over in my mind is all the things my husband has said to me over the past year. "It's just not there any more." "I'm not atrratcted to you and I can't help it." "I want to be excited when I come home." "I love you but I'm not in love with you." "I dont think I can try anymore".

My WH said the EXACT same things to me. In regard to sex, yep, stopped being able to get it up. In my case, all of the above was due to an A.

About PCOS...are you going to have any cysts removed? I had a big one, had it removed, and the weight started coming off again. I did have to try, but was able to lose 2-3 pounds a week exercising 5 days per week and eating less 6 days per week. Prior to the surgery, I was in your same boat.


And, one week of DB is just nothin'....this stuff takes a long time! I really think you should just do your best to avoid him for awhile and go back to doc to check out what is going in with your body (get more details) and stay busy. Post here!

[BrownEyes]

Thanks again newmama.

I guess I'm having trouble with the avoiding part. We still live together and I work from home. I have made a VERY conscious effort to not initiate conversations and he still initiates them.

I guess its confusing because he says he wants a divorce, etc. But then he still wants to watch TV with me at night, cuddle, wants a hug. I feel like he is conflicted in a way. Which almost makes it worse because it almost seems fake. Am I just supposed to say I dont want to watch TV with him (just using this as an example). He works Wed-Sat at night so I dont really see him on those days anyway.

I got the books and read them but again, I just wonder if Im doing everything correctly. His main complaints about me are always: 1) I dont like to have fun; 2) I'm a mean person; 3) He's not attracted to me. I have tried to turn a 180 on these - haven't yelled, bothered, asked him to do anyhting in the last week and a half. I've been doing things on my own.

Also, we are going on a vacation in one week.

Does anyone think that the phone advice is helpful?

[BrownEyes]

Also, I have an appt with another doctor at the end of March that I'm hoping I can finally get on some med.

You know, it just makes me so angry. I've stuck by hiim through everything - not having jobs, having an affair, finding out he has been with prostitues for 4 years. I know he is a good person and better than all those things. Why can't he see it in me? It makes me so sad. He is very scarred by the way that I treated hiim at one point in time - yelling, name calling. I was hurt and resentful and didn't know how to handle it properly. I'm trying to show now that it can be different but he honestly brings up stuff from like 5, 6, 7 years ago - "Remember that time on my birthday in 2003, when you yelled at me..., etc" I feel horrible and I know that he must be in a lot of pain but it's like you're not an angel either. I haven't said this to his face I'm just saying it on here.

I guess all I can do it be consistent with my changes. I can say that I have been happer with the changes I have made. I feel more in control of myself and I feel like I'm really trying to make it work even though it's hard.

Anyone else with advice? I could really, really use it!

[newmama]

Hi again, you know if you can afford the phone sessions (must book 3) I think they could help you. It sounds like you truly are confused about what to do even after reading the books, so a coach could help you! (I think if someone has a strong grasp of the books' concepts and knows how to put the strategies in place, they don't need the phone sessions)

I will tell you that as soon as you talk to a coach, you will feel empowered and hopeful!

Good job not initiating conversation and not being emotional. I would be confused if I were you, too- he is sending mixed signals and being a big baby might I add! Dredging up stuff from the past!!!