Stepping out and Stepping UP!

[cagzmom]

I learned recently - or was reminded - why it is so very important that we get our own lives and move forward. The pain.

So often we cause ourselves our own hurt - our own pain - that we don't have to feel. I looked into my x's life so very much - not thinking that it was affecting me -- i thought it was just information....and it was.

In my innocence I was causing myself hurt. I thought KNOWING was helping -but it was hurting. I did and am moving on.. but not knowing what/who x is with is helping.. though I don't like it!

I liked knowing - felt like I still had something on him. Now I dont. When I recently "looked" into his life the pain was unbelievable.. I had forgotten teh hurt... but I hadn't felt it in a long time. AND IT WAS NOT WORTH IT!!

I wish I was one of those stories of reconciliation. But today I am not. I read on HB thread and it said that REPLAY can last teh longest - and that is where teh WAS can get stuck... I can see that in my x... when he begins to go into depression he STEPS right BACK into replay - avoiding pain.

I can say I still love him. Trying to see it objectively. I believe I will always love who he was to me. But I dont know him anymore so I dont know.

Sorry to babble - just have thoughts..
love having this safe place