Hi there, Clife! Considering I'm here on these boards, I'm doing pretty good. I married into a marriage without love from the start, and now I'm feeling a tiny bit that I've never felt with my W, things are looking up~ In my sitch, I'm the one that might leave, but while my W isn't doing a whole lot to change, I'm trying. I may leave, but only if I'm sure that I couldn't get far enough. So I guess I'm saying that my perspective might be different than others.
Originally Posted By: Clife
My comment to my H about making a real effort to work on our marriage or to finally think about making the separation real
Did you take the comment back - did you say you were feeling sad, but that you don't want him to go? My W tried that, and I almost left. IF I had, the marriage would be over in my case, but for others that might not be so, but it often is.
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Can you imagine how that felt?
Yes. Because I did that. That is part of being a guy, that is part of being unfulfilled in a R. That is a part of being ashamed of a current situation. That is part of a concern for a job succeding. That is part of meeting the God given nature of a man - to provide. It feels bad for 5-15 min, but then distractions lead your thoughts from your kids & spouse.
When my R was doing better, I spent a lot less time on my laptop. I've been asked how did I stay for 11yrs when I wasn't happy - easy - I have kids to provide for and now that they are no longer toddlers, I feel I can move on IF I have to. I certainly don't want to, but I can't be a good enough husband to someone I care for, have sex with, but that is all.
Here are some 180s that I know would work with me re the computer...
Try a "180"...go sit with your H, hug him, and HELP him work on his laptop. Help him feel comfortable. After a few days like (or the next weekend), see if he seems open to you sharing with him what he's doing. Make him feel valued for his dedication to work, or curiosity, or whatever he gets out off the internet. YOU won't get your needs met this way, but he will get his. That allows him to put guiltless energy into you.
Another 180? Don't tell him to play with the kids. Let him feel that HE is missing out. He may not. You said he is already playing with the kids more. This isnt' because you might separate, this is because he's enjoying it. If he was faking, or experimenting with play, you'd probably notice. When my W asks me to play with the kids, I resent THAT. It's like saying that I don't know better. It might be right, but it doesn't feel good. We aren't women, we're men. "Treat men differently than you would a girlfriend" was in one book I read. I think that is very, very true.
I hate R talks when my W starts it. She is often emotional, or angry, when she does. What about you? Why even talk about it - act better/differently instead. A wheel that doesn't fit will never fit. Why use the same wheel?
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He comforted me for that day, went off to work and it was never mentioned again. I am dealing with a man who cannot display his emotions even when its vital.
He did, Clife! He just didn't do it the way you wanted him to.
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I had already mentioned separating before i met OM. Its no excuse, but he cycled into the playgound with his daughter and we got chatting.
If you told your H what you said, then he likely didn't hear remorse in it. He heard, "It's your fault, jacka**" Infatuations are sudden emotional rushes - why wouldn't you feel good? You're supposed to. Or better, you're supposed to avoid getting that close. He divorced. Now he's going to do the same to you? I can't tell you how to feel, but as man, I hate the OM already! He knew you were married, but still went after you to destroy your marriage as his had been. It is too bad you didn't hate him. Your H would be proud of you for it.
He might want to separate to get you to get your head on straight. Why not suggest an in-house separation, instead. It is easier for him with all his travel, and not as hard on the kids. PLUS, if you are doing 180s, he has a chance to see why you are worth his effort...
Limboland...I'm there. One day my W pressured me to get out and make a choice. To not touch her, etc. That made it so much easier to run away from my M. Let him be in limboland all he needs. YOU had the affair, not him. He wasn't a great H for meeting your needs, but he's changing you said.
Give him your patience - he needs it. You need it, too, so you don't make rash decisions.
Men have sexual needs. Would you rather he gets it somewhere else? The best sex I've had was after my W and I partly ended our separation. Since then, not so much. But, it gives me one more reason to work on our M. Had I never touched her, well it was pretty bad last year, so that is what I remembered.
I don't think you are all over. I think you want him to change what made you unsatisfied. He can. Maybe not now. You asked him to leave, and he agreed. Now, you need to not pursue, but ask yourself those tough questions and make life changes. When he sees the you he feel in love with, he'll get that hormone rush too, and will be much more able to do a deep relationship talk.
Side note - who can love someone who hates themself? Hate what you've done. Let him know you hate it, not you hate you.
