There are many people with their own stories to tell, some of whom have overcome great adversity and have come out on the other side a totally different and amazing person.
Some are reconcilled, some are divorced and some are remarried.
Unfortunately we have all become quasi MLC experts in one way or another.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I have never discounted the knowledge of others; and will NEVER do so. No one has any right or wrong answers, just experiences, mistakes learned from, and the willingness to share what's learned with another.
I'm no different in that way..there have been many times that I wish I take all the pain away, but I can't..and it's really hard on me to watch others suffer, and so many again, continue to pour in.....
People have to STOP comparing themselves to others, and remember that we are DIFFERENT people, with different ways of coping, facing, walking and talking.
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There are many people with their own stories to tell, some of whom have overcome great adversity and have come out on the other side a totally different and amazing person.
That is SO true, and I have learned from people such as these...to me, THEY were the legends, having walked it, talked it and lived it..coming through MUCH stronger than they had been before, and that knowledge was passed onto others as they went on through their lives. Everything happens for a reason, and I'm thankful people such as these have been there for me in my life. Without them, and their willingness to share their experiences/lessons learned, I couldn't have gotten to the place I came to.
And I STILL learn from others..that will never stop.
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Unfortunately we have all become quasi MLC experts in one way or another.
Look at this another way; you cannot help another unless you've walked in their shoes. Regardless of what you go through, look at each trial as not just a learning experience, but one where you can draw on what's learned, passing it on to another who will desperately have need of your knowledge one day.
There is NO such thing as "useless" information; and everything can be used as a learning tool; you go through, you learn, then it is passed on.
If you haven't suffered it, you cannot even HOPE to help.
Wisdom and knowledge are gained..and there will come a time when you will actually be GLAD you went through, and overcame this particular trial and may others.
Without the trials, you would NOT have that opportunity for growth, to become a better person; more able to cope.
When you've seen and experienced the BIG trials, overcoming those; the small ones are a cakewalk; and nothing to sweat over.
On an added note, I will be hopping on and off for the next few days...I'm headed home to visit my husband..will let you know how he is.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I've got a newsflash for you: You're NOT going to get that; when your spouse went into the tunnel; your marriage and your life, as you knew and saw it, DIED. Get it? It's dead, as in not coming back ever again, burned to the ashes, GONE.
I love you.
I admit to a curiousiness as to why you came back after so many years away.
I also know my ego swells at times when people seek me out, just as I do my best to pop that bothersome little thing. I think everyones does a little.
I am glad that you are back and posting your advice.
You are certainly a little more fluffy than I am. : )
Thank you for those posts and reasons for them.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
My heart goes out to you, as I read what you've posted. My prayers are going up for the Lord to give you strength to fight this battle, to meet the needs of you and your children; as the Lord does NOT abandon the needy; He meets their needs.
It is always crushing to have the one you love to say and do some of the most AWFUL things in the world to you.
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One time he looked at me and said, "Do you think I'm kidding about all this"..I'm not...I'm not attracted to you and I can't help the way I feel...and he looked me dead in the eyes and said it"...that was crushing...it crushed my spirit and no one should ever have their spirit crushed...
I, too, had had something similar to this said to me; it nearly killed me. It was so hard to see that he wasn't "himself"; and was being influenced by the pain within.
The "control" you think you're seeing is him totally out of control, bent on doing what he wants to do when he wants to do it, no matter who or what stands in his way.
Can't do wrong and get by; and his time is coming; don't know when, but it will.
The hurt is terrible, and for a time it destroys your heart, making you numb.
You are a fighter, Treese; and I don't see you laying down and giving up. There's too much at stake, and people who still need you. Keep venting..I and many others are listening.
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I checked into H getting money out of his 401K...it's says in hardship cases which I have to say we are in at this time...so I told him that and he said he couldn't get it because it would cause serious tax implications...I don't care...all I care about is getting through this tough time...it's his pay that's gotten chopped and he is paying 600 a month to a kid I've never even met...nor have my kids...this is the child he had while having an affair on me 10 years ago and I had nooooo idea ....well, I think maybe I did but buried it and didn't want to believe it..we all can bury stuff and unfortunately when it comes out it blows..
Maybe I'm wrong, but aren't you entitled to HALF of that money since you're divorcing; just as you'd be entitled to half of everything; unless you can come to some kind of an agreement?
He doesn't have any money? I don't believe that; somehow he's taking some of it before the direct deposit goes in; or maybe he's fixed it where some of it is going to an account you don't know about; and you get what's left? There's no end the sneaky ways they operate.
These are some thoughts that are occurring to me as I read this rant; believe it or not, sometimes the answers you need come from the ranting you do. Each person contains the answers within themselves, and throwing it out on the table, will sometimes bring surprising answers; things we know, but haven't accessed.
As you can, direct your focus BACK on you; take care of yourself. Trust that God WILL take of you and the children. Work on yourself; detach and distance from him. Build your strength, set your goals, get on with your life.
He's betrayed HIMSELF, not you; you sleep at night, he DOESN'T sleep at all. Don't think for one second he doesn't suffer guilt, he DOES. You're facing financial problems; he's facing far worse than you are; he's morally bankrupt, and to me that's WORSE than anything we could face in a material world.
I'd rather face all the financial problems in the world, than to have to live with betraying my family; living with guilt that will NEVER go away. He's on a low road, you're on a high one.
The best revenge we can take on anyone is to wish them well and be happy for them. They would rather we be angry, turn on them, and feed their justifications for their bad behavior.....take that away, and they have no ammunition, no power over us.
You WILL be a success, regardless if your marriage makes it or not, Treese, believe that, and come to see it as a reality within YOU.
Take care of yourself, for YOU are most important, I can promise you that.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Hello OP, and Jack 3 Beans..and the curious..... and the eavesdroppers, LOL!!
Hello OP, All is well, took husband to doc, they changed his cast. Will not see him for a month; most likely will change his cast one more time. They took a total of 20 stitches out of both sides of his broken ankle. He's got a plate that contains 9 screws in it; and what looked like a "renegade" screw on the other side, but was necessary to bring the shattered bone back together. He's doing well, and will be fine; of that I am very glad. I'm no longer worried about the financial situation, there is nothing I can do except trust God for the outcome as I have always done.
OK, Jack, LOL!!
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I love you.
I would assume this is the kind of love that does NOT get anyone in trouble, LOL..that is the type of love I hold for all people. I love you, too, but refer to statement above.
I love people, don't care where they come from..to me they are important, have feelings, and need things at times. My husband wonders about me, at times...he has his ideas about people, I have mine. We are opposites when it comes to dealing with people. I'm more outgoing, like to talk, learn and observe. He's more quiet, at times not much of a people person; doesn't have much patience with some of the situations that I end up in the middle of, that involve people and their many problems. He claims he doesn't believe in the deep way I look into people and their situations. Yet, at times, he will "pick my brain" to get my take on something he's seen or talked to someone about....so I must be doing something right.
You come across to me as a man who's been at this for quite awhile, Jack. You're one of the few men who "get it", and were willing to do what it took to bring your marriage back together. (Each man here on the board is a "rarity", no kidding; I've seen many men who would just leave because it is too much for for them.) Apparently, you got what you had to do rather quickly; and learned the lessons far ahead of your wife. You've developed yourself..and have reached the place where you are content in the circumstances that you are in for now. Sometimes, you wish she'd "hurry up", but intellectually, and within your heart of hearts, you have total understanding that this will finish in her time, and not yours. You're direct, blunt, straight to the point; you care about people, but their lines of thinking frustrate you, sometimes. In all honesty, though, you're a good mentor, are patient with people..and an all around good person in real life.
At the risk of inflating your ego; more people look up to you than you think and they follow your journey with interest. They're not only watching your progress with your wife, but they're watching YOU too; in every post you put up.
There's something to be said for someone who will lead by example, and you do that..walking the walk, and talking the talk.
That's my "take" on you.
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I admit to a curiousiness as to why you came back after so many years away.
Nothing wrong with that. Not too many come back this way once they've left.
It's sufficient to say that one of my many missions here on this earth is helping people; whether through the medium of the internet or face to face..I am there for anyone that God sees fit to send my way, because they need help, they need love and they need guidance; most of all, they need understanding. Everyone knows at a certain time of their lives what they have been placed here on this earth to accomplish during their time on this earth, and my purpose was crystalized during my time in the tunnel. I had been doing my work long before the tunnel, even before I knew for sure..but it is nice to know for a fact what you are here for. With that said; I was sent back here, partly to illustrate the ending, and what it could be like..but as that of an individual, not a married person; and partly just to help.
This is part of my work, and it will be completed before I leave again; this time for good, never to return.
I actually forgot this place for a very long time after I left it. What prompted me to remember was my friend whose husband has just gone into the tunnel as of two months ago; I remembered what I wrote, plus, I got the impression/feeling that I also needed to come back to finish some unfinished business.
I have to admit I actually fought the pull; I'd gone into the archives, but wasn't finding what I needed at that time. I didn't ressurrect my old name then..I left again for a couple of weeks; fighting the idea, as I thought I'd progressed far enough NOT to be of ANY help to anyone in this area; knowing my memories were fragmented, and mostly gone.
My time is limited; and I knew taking it on would be consuming. But He makes a way where there isn't one, and when He sends me out, He helps me make the most of the time I have; even down to helping me write and counsel.
I obeyed the call, ressurrected my old name; and came aboard once again, wondering what anyone would think about me coming back to the surface, but banishing those thoughts, and bravely coming forward.
I was honestly unaware that people would gravitate to me once again, like they'd done so many years ago, and so I was really surprised at the reception I'd gotten. Meaning no offense, and not because I am anyone "special"; but there is a positive energy in me that draws people toward me. I have NO idea what it is, but it has always been there; and has always been a part of me.
I do not do anything to "cause" this; it just happens. I have no illusions about it nor do I contain any "ego" about it; I just accept it for what it is. It's worn like a cloak, and has been with me for so many years, that I don't pay that much attention to it being there.
I had a few questions of my own, that did get answered; and for now, I will remain until I'm sent back off again to do something else. But, when I leave this time, my story will be complete, no more will be left to guesswork...that's the only certain thing I do know this time. I have questioned whether I would need to actually be in Piecing, but have gotten it clearly, that I'm needed here, even if only to listen, and comfort at times.
Many things continue to come back from that time, but only for help purposes..and the right questions have to be asked to bring those memories back alive for a short period of time.
Being here, and answering quesions along with the others, will NOT damage me, or cause me to "relive" that time in my life..this I know; as it has been integrated into my life, all events having been accepted; and healing attained within me.
I've been told people see me as success because I'm still married..and I wish they'd understand that if my husband had chosen to leave; he would have left, and there would have been nothing I could have done about it. Just as I had a choice, so did he. I had NOTHING to do with him choosing to stay; that was up to HIM, not me.
I'm successful because I successfully navigated my journey, alone, for myself, and came out a better person that I ever would have had I NOT taken the journey.
Circumstances would have set themselves up to drag me around full circle again, if I had not completed this necessary trip to insanity and back.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I have read this whole thread and I thank all the posters for it .
HB, thanks especially for your post on the LBS journey. I needed to read that tonight as I come to terms with the ashes of my M. It always seems like the story is about the one who leaves and destroys the M. It helps me to see that the LBS has a story and journey too, that is more complex than ending up as a survivor who is emotionally maimed to varying degrees.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I'm successful because I successfully navigated my journey, alone, for myself, and came out a better person that I ever would have had I NOT taken the journey.
Very well said HB.....That is the success of this and it takes time....don't be kidded others to think it takes days or weeks...the changes that are crucial to the journey may take months, but more than likely years. Then once it starts...it doesn't stop.
It helps me to see that the LBS has a story and journey too, that is more complex than ending up as a survivor who is emotionally maimed to varying degrees.
That is why doing the mirror work, and giving yourself the time that it takes, is soooo important.
To not end up this person. (Not you Flowmom, who you speak of).
It is the difference between survivor and success.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
That is why doing the mirror work, and giving yourself the time that it takes, is soooo important.
Not sure I understand the phrase "mirror work"?
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
