I have hope that time without the contact with the girls will have a strong effect on her. She can't have the same-type family relationship with them (or me) that she's been seeking while we are not a family.
That is part of the "loss" that she needs to experience. It will take time b/c right now she is trying to show the girls that everything is going to be just lovely. That is why she was spending extra time with them, but it has already slowed down and it will probably continue to change.
Quote:
She and I cannot have the close sister-brother-best-friend type connection we previously enjoyed at this point. Earlier on, I had tried to "act as if" and it helped with us communicating, but I think it was giving her the idea she could keep me as her good buddy and still do what she wants to do. I'm not being cold, however, I do not want to give her that impression, or she won't really be losing anything.
Exactly! Besides, you don't want to be her "brother" or even her buddy. You want to be her lover & husband. That was the thing that really shocked me was when my H told me that we would not have a buddy-buddy R if I left. He even said that it would not be that type of R if I stayed b/c we would be H & W.
Acting "as if" is not suppose to allow the WAS to cake eat. That is the fine line that a lot of newcomers has a problem with. They don't know how to be friend-ly without being BFF. It's not the same.
There is a difference in acting cold and being "firm" and strong in your speech and actions. She really needs to see you being strong, firm, & confident. You can do that and maintain a degree of friendliness (as long as she responds right) but you don't act giddy about it.
Quote:
I had also told her she could stay here at the house some weekends to visit. I told her, "I've got places I can be, people I can stay with for the whole weekend."
Why are you making it easy on her? Did you say that b/c of her staying with OM? If you had a RO against OM then she could not take the girls around him, right? She would have to find somewhere else to visit with them. Why should you have to find somewhere to be on weekends so that she can be there? What if you want to have friends over for a cookout or something? See what I mean? You don't want to be a jerk (and perhaps this suggestion sounds rather "jerky") but this has to be hard for her. If you do not have leagal adoption where the kids are concerned, then you don't have much to stand on with a RO, etc. In fact, you probably need to get legal advise about the stepkids.
Quote:
I am putting my foot down on all these things listed above. I am setting up boundaries, with probably more to follow...
That's good.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
