you all are so great- I think I really handled this whole issue. I brought it up in MC. I called him on how he blew up the issue. He admitted he's working on his anger and that sometimes he backslides or is just self indulgent. He admitted that everything I said was rational and that I did say things would be different. He said part of him intellectually believes me and part of him "feels" it wouldn't be true. He admitted part of him thinks t will be the same as before and I asked him to work with me this one show to do it differently, and to check in consistently about if it's feeling better or the same or worse. He agreed.
I felt so calm afterward. I felt heard. I felt acknowledged. I felt like he's saying that although he fears things will stay the same he's willing to see if it feels better in a while. I think of the show as a way to prove this to him. H
I also brought up again about his anger and that I don't feel safe around him. I acknowledged that he has been trying to turn it around last week however. I also acknowledged that his anger triggers my childhood stuff. I was abused and neglected. I also feel so unheard when he blasts me and storms off which triggers similar stuff. He actually was able to hear this. The MC continued to emphasize that it's not what we say to each other, but how and that we both feel heard, respected and not bullied. I had also brought up how I felt bullied which of course H denied but I stood my ground for the first time on this issue. I have never before had the courage to say those words. THe MC backed me up.
Tonight we are feeling much more relaxed together. We are laughing more and sitting on the couch together. Feels safer, more open.
Then zinger - "I don't think we have much chance" - I"m so f***ing sick of hearing that just when things are starting to feel better. God help me be a strong DBer!
Probably a reaction to hearing that you feel bullied. It might be true, but if he really heard it, it probably made him feel terrible. Like you have felt when he has expressed certain safety fears. So maybe it's temporary dejection from that.
Well it's certainly his back and forth, whatever the reason. I am going to continue to hold PMA that we can work through this even if he is not. I don't know if it was a reaction to what I said, although that is a very good point. Could be!
He has consistently said this = now it's more of a mantra. Could also justify that we're signing legal separation papers tomorrow - could be ego - etc. The statement came on the heels of discussing details about meeting tomorrow at the lawyers. He's saying htat's why he wants the papers signed - he doesn't think we have much chance.
I hate being the one holding out hope when he isn't. IT's really humiliating. I've fallen into the bad DB trap of trying to "explain" why things could be better and why we "should" work on things. The temptation is huge. BUt I keep reminding myself that will push him away. It's also not self respecting. I'm working on the inner attitude that if he feels that way, I cannot change that now. He has a right to his choices. He will not turn around his attitude because I "convinced" him. He will only do it if he wants to - and if he doesn't that's his choice too. Either way, I need to know I'm ok and will be continuing to work toward inner peace.
I get the same waves of anger as everyone does - how could he be so selfish? Spend this kind of money? Abandon his children? BUt I'm not interested in fighting anymore. I want to put my efforts into changing me - and it's just really sad if he walks away. I will understand why he did it, but it will be sad. Because I do truly believe there is hope if we both try. If we both look at our childhood patterns and we both commit to changing them. BUt we both have to.
If it really is true (I have such a hard time believing it) that believe none of what they say and only 50% of what they do - then he's here for now. He's more relaxed, we're fighting less, I'm standing up to him more. He could still leave tomorrow, that's his choice. But I'll keep working on it until then.
On the other hand I don't want to show I"m working on it too much. I am such a doormat sometimes. I am the one always sorry and always wanting to clean up the mess. I need to work on the letting go and moving on and showing him this. It can't be faked. I have to find that place within. I'm not there yet. But it's my pattern to take responsibility for everything and try to fix everybody's problems. I got this from my childhood.
That why I"m starting to set boundaries and not let myself get thrown off center when he flips out. I'm not taking responsibility for his bad behavior anymore. And this includes if he's going to feel better with one foot out the door, I have to not take this personally. It's his choice. Another man would be here trying to work it out. But to stop trying to dance around in circles to make him notice me and value me enough to return.
And it's his choice to legally separate. Although I cannot fathom going through with that myself, I must accept that he has gone there. It's that bad. Maybe he is trying to hurt me, maybe he is being self righteous, maybe he is just done. I cannot change it. I do not have to like it. I"m having trouble coming to terms with it. All I can say is it's sad. I know I can't pressure him or he will cling to his righteousness. I need to leave him to struggle with his own choices. I know there's a part of him that hopes it can turn out ok or he wouldn't be here. I hope I'm not a fool for believing this. But I"m not going to beg anymore. He won't be able to blame me for being the one holding hope while he takes the opposing stance. I will stand here as he storms out the door in his temper tantrum, hoping he will go away and find reason and return. That's usually what happens in our fights if I let him go when he storms off. If I can sit with the anxiety, he eventually returns. IF I don't chase. If let go.
This is the big one. Flooded with memories of our wedding day, looking into my little boy's eyes, I must let him go. He has to come back only if he wants to. He may not.
h4l: I hate being the one holding out hope when he isn't. IT's really humiliating. I've fallen into the bad DB trap of trying to "explain" why things could be better and why we "should" work on things. The temptation is huge. BUt I keep reminding myself that will push him away. It's also not self respecting
He also might be enjoying it in some way. Think of that and it will help you to quit doing it. It pushes him away yet he keeps coming back for more of it. Why? CONTROL
I'm glad you brought that up in MC. Hopefully he tries hard to follow through with seeing if things are different with your show instead of assuming nothing changes.
Don't let his words get you down. Like R said, he's probably feeling down and uninspired like you do too sometimes.
Probably wouldn't be a wise thing to do (and I know I'd never had the guts to do it), but I wonder what his reaction would be if you agreed with him the next time he voiced the thought that it wasn't going to work? H: "I don't think it's ever going to work.", You: "I know. Sometimes I feel like we're one step away from being on Jerry Springer."
Too bad you couldn't do a Groundhog Day movie thing and try that out and if it backfired, not do it again the next day. LOL
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
I"t e gotten quite a lot of db advice to do just that. I agree - scary. Feels like lying. BUt telling the truth seems to be putting us in a polarity. I say the reasons it can work, he says the reason it might not.
Gosh he may be enjoying it. I have no idea anymore. I just know I need to control my urge to "convince" and have a pat answer so it doesn't push my buttons.
In some way I wonder if this is his passive aggressive way of avoiding everything. I don't know.
We sign the legal separation papers tomorrow. I'm doing surprisingly well. I cried and talked to friends earlier today and I'm at a weird state of peace. Maybe part of me wants to D him. NOthing makes any sense any more. I am still committed to DB. When he doesn't see how it could work, I"ll have to show him. I KNOW its possible.
Hugs for tomorrow. Wish I could take you out for some drinks afterward!
Keep on DBing. Remember how you said you were finding yourself? DBing is like how on an airplane emergency--they tell you to put on your mask first and then help the person next to you. First you rescue yourself and only then can you try to rescue your M.
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
Good luck tomorrow. Have a plan in place not to get in a fight of some type in the evening from the subconscious stress. Maybe have a friend over if and when H is coming to see S and make brownies with friend in kitchen like signing papers never happened during the day.
Thanks ladies. You are the best! I'm in a new play, so I'm off to rehearsals tomorrow. No more hanging out at home when H is here at night -whew-. I'm planning on being the first one out the door after the papers are signed. He WILL NOT see me cry, beg, or even care. THen I have IC!
