WAW Using God II

[25yearsmlc]

Journaling:

Cutting to the chase: My W and I agreed to go on a date.

I'm not reading too much into this, and I plan on taking it waaaaay slow.

So how in the hell did this come about? Much like the way sausage is made; not pretty but the end product is pretty good......

I told her simply "no". I like the current schedule that we both agreed to, and secondly I have no incentive to agree to an alteration or even compromise proposed by her since she has not honored any of our prior agreements. At which point I brought up the most recent violation of the past two weeks exposure of the kids to the OM.

So you retaliated. This shows what to her? Do you see how this sounds at least, to me?

There was a lot of talk after that, so I will do my best to summarize some key points and words said:

-- W viewed my going "dark" (not her words but she was addressing those tactics) as me completely rejecting her reaching out to me.

-- W says even though I have not asked her about it, she has cut off contact with OM with the exception of a phone call in December and a lunch last week. The lunch was her giving up on me after her "reaching out" showed I had no interest. She touched a lot on emails she sent when she was on vacation (which I documented in earlier posts) that I did not respond to.

She also mentioned that she had no idea the OM would be at the two events over the last 2 weeks. She said that one of the people from Saturday's event said the OM hadn't been there in months.

-- She stated "I have always loved you and my love has never changed."

-- In referring to the early days following the bomb, she said through tears "You should have fought for me".

-- She was angry that I "did nothing" to show her I loved her or cared for her during the time she said she agreed to cut off her EA and moved to her apartment. I told her that when she violated the NC boundary after agreeing to it, I just assumed she was back in her full blown EA.\

So you retaliated...back then too.

I said I am not going to pursue you or buy you gifts or write you letters when you have given your heart to another man. I have way too much self respect for that. Besides, you said you needed to get away from both of us to figure yourself out. I was giving you the space you asked for.

This could well be valid. But you should always double check when you choose the easy path b/c it so happens that "Giving her space" requires nothing of you.

-- She mentioned our kids said things this weekend like "Why do you and Daddy hate each other? I want you to come back home and be married to Daddy again."

-- I told her she did not see acts of pursuit (not the term I used but DBers know what I mean) from me because at no time did she indicate she wanted to try reconciliation. She said "Why do you think I reached out to you when I was on vacation?" I told her I was confused by that since a couple of weeks earlier she told me she has no hope for us as a couple. She said she felt "deflated" when she reached out and got no response, and now is no longer interested.


-- I told her I have always been open to reconciliation if she was open to it as well, under one condition: all OM contact ceases. [b]She said emphatically "I DID that! What more did you want me to do?" I told her she never showed any indication of wanting to reconcile. Then she went back to the emails sent from vacation.[/b]

You gave her a "Condition" which she says she met...then you repeat that she showed no sign of wanting a reconciliation. You are not getting anywhere here. It's round and round.

She's a very confused woman dealing with depression and some hard emotion, that's for sure. I empathized and validated her a lot.

How did you validate her if you think she's so depressed and confused, which sort of undermines any validity you'd give her?

She made some vague statements that referenced the future as if we would still be together. Sometimes she was just all over the place.

Saying she considered her vacation emails "reaching out" and in so many words my lack of response shot her down and killed that interest seemed like a manipulative tactic and I wasn't going for it.

Oh. More of the same cycles. Um, my take on this is that it is not leadership; it's a contest and you're trying to see who'll blink first...wth? This woman needs loving guidance and leadership...not a challenge to bare her soul and stick her neck out again so you can issue more conditions so you feel safe enough to impose more of them..... OR maybe, maybe you could show her some love, which she has cried out for now how many times? You are turning from her and acting as if you won't take the love she gives you if it's not wrapped exactly as you want it...But If she's so manipulative and you know this, then stop the games and get out of the M.

But if your goal really is a reconciliation - you need to lose the scorecard...OMG...you need to change. I'm really sorry, but to me, this sounds punitive and controlling and, frankly, depressing as hell as a wife.

Toward the end, I stated matter-of-factly "I have always been open to trying to reconcile under the condition of zero OM contact. If you are open to trying, we can start by going out sometime. Are you open to that?"
Why'd you state it matter-of-factly? Odd choice of words given that you are "open to a reconciliation...most people would emote and take a risk...but you maintained control over your emotions. That's not a turn on at times like this, I'm guessing.
She replied "yes".

She took offense when I reiterated a zero contact reminder as she was leaving, and I probably harped on it too much. She was mad and rather childishly said (through tears) "OK, I'm not interested in going out now. For just that reason."

She feels she has done a good job of not contacting the OM. Given this she does not want to live under a police state where if she is out somewhere and the OM happens to show up, she's screwed. "I don't want to live that way."

I told her I don't consider that inappropriate contact and would never treat her that way. You know what is inappropriate and what isn't. She nodded her head at this.

Do you know what's inappropriate and not? So far you've treated all sightings the same as a hook up or "violation" (YOUR term...)

So I guess I beat that dead horse once too much. She seemed sincere in her statements about NC. I just assumed that she was business as usual in the EA.

I apologized and we hugged, so we got past that. Now I am going to plan a date of some sort.

Unreal turn of events. Yesterday I was a million miles from any hope of reconciliation. Today my wife accepted a date.

I gained a lot of strength from one of the hymns at church yesterday. I will post the lyrics if I can find them.

Like I said, I will take this really slow. But I am going to take some time and thank God for this small step forward. He really can reach even the hardest of hearts.

Then soften your heart and open your heart, and see what happens. No more about what she is willing to do or show. Just all about what you will do and risk and show, okay? How about that??
I'm glad you are having a date. Don't blow it with ANY conditions or threats or bringing up the past, which I fear you are not able to do. Seriously, I feel a backslide is surrounding you b/c every time you see her, you dump more on her. More shame, more "violations" and more of the past "violations"...how can she imagine a happy m to you going forward? That's the real challenge you have b/c you don't seem to be doing it in your heart so how can she imagine it? You need to visualize it as a happy m, which requires you to let go of the past...for good. that means you can't bring it up again when she makes her next mistake. The past slate is clean and you start over. Do you get this?

If you can't let whatever the heck this "EA" was go, then it's pointless to waste her time or yours dragging out the m, and holding the sword of Damacles over her head the rest of her life which is what she says she fears!! AND Btw, I BELIEVE HER....Drop this and move on...or learn to let go and forgive...you decide.
j-