Question

[awest1217]

Yeah I am pretty impressed, and I cleaned the house, did laundry, ironed, and went through S's toys to pull out the ones we can throw away, give to my nephew for a while, and put away because they are the baby toys. Very successful day!

H still has not text me at all today (de ja vu from last week). I did text him midafternoon because I do want to foster a good relationship so I know I gave it my all. I think i will text him tomorrow morning just to say good luck on his students tests since they start tomorrow (not that he can help them, but still), but that will be it. I am not going to ask him over like last week or anything.

I am also toying with next wednesday (the wednesday before the move out) asking him to dinner so I can find out what he is going to do and ask questions from there because we haven't discussed the big stuff about him coming home. I mean he knows the biggest stuff...no OW...but we haven't discussed S, our schedules, how this is going to change our lives. A lot has changed since last year when he left. S is a very different kid. He was 18 months when H left and doesn't remember H ever living at home. S couldn't speak his mind or express his feelings so a lot to talk about there that has nothing to do with OW. Thoughts?

My only other concern is S is very much not wanting to sleep in his bed again. He is very cuddly (which I don't mind since I knwo that won't last long), but starting to get bad again. He wants to be with me again 24/7 when we are at home. I haven't talked to him about H coming home, but maybe it is that H hasn't been around again. He saw H a lot in January and now again nothing really besides once a week so I guess this would fit the pattern. Those of you who have kept up with my sitch, do you agree or have other ideas?

Good weekend and not upset really about H because sad to say...this is normal.

[Kalni]

awest,
I have 2 kids, 7 and 8,5 years old. I remember when they were younger (and still now sometime, esp. my D), their behaviour "cycled" alot. There were times they seemed to be stuck on me, there were times they seemed more independent.

I remember reading that right about 2, toddlers start experiencing FEAR. They start feeling "alone" and suffer the abandonment frustration. With my both my kids, right about that age, they started getting really clingy when I would leave home for work in the morning. It lasted a month or two and that was it. Having and keeping a routine helps a lot. Reassuring them I would be back and lots of hugs helped too.
K

Did your H respond if he is moving back in or not? Did I miss the reply?

[awest1217]

No he didn't make a decision and the countdown is down to 10 days....Nothing still last night and probably not this morning either.

[awest1217]

My new trimester is starting out really good. I don't have anyone in any of the classes that I am dreading and it is all looking good. I have smaller classes and because my sitch is under control, I am back to joking with my students and having fun teaching.

Still no contact, and I text H to say good morning and good luck since I know this is stressful, but until he says something back that is it from me.

[Lucky11too]

That's great that you took the higher stance and still wished him luck despite his ignoring phase again. You are trying to foster a R with him despite him and . Hopefully it's just related to all the stress of the test and it will pass as soon as it's over and you will be able to get down to business if he's coming home or not. Your idea about meeting with him next week is probably good b/c you're right, there are a lot of specifics that need to be worked in advance if he is to come home. By that time, he'll need to make a decision of where he is going. By that time too, maybe you can even take the stance with him that no decision is a decision b/c he can't wait until the day of to decide with you. Things have to be put in place and will need to be decided by that meeting on Wednesday. But I guess, we shouldn't get too far in front of ourselves. Let's see how this week goes first, right? But hopefully you'll hear back from H soon. To not respond is rude and just plain frustrating! But you've done what you can in showing love, so you're right, there is no point in you continuing to try to push the communication - it's in his lap now.

Glad you have better classes this trimester though. That will make it easier on you no matter what happens next week. I sure your students appreciate a happy teacher too. =P

Regarding S, just keep showing him all the love you can. Like Kalni was saying, I'm sure it's just a phase. This whole thing with H is obviously hard on him too, so just snuggle with and love him as much as you can, but continue to try to encourage independence.

[awest1217]

H finally texts me about his day and how the testing went. We have been texting about our days...normal stuff. So I ask how the rest of his weekend went and he said he was trying to figure out what to do because he still doesn't know. I ask what are the issues and he has the nerve to say he doesn't understand why he can't be friends with OW and says he feels I am controlling who he can and can't be friends with. I said he can be friends with whomever he wants, but not her. Conversation still in progress...more later.

[awest1217]

So about 2 hours of texting and ultimately H "hate himself" and is "so depressed" because he ruined our lives. He just wants things to go back to the way they were the December and January before he left. I said I don't understand how H and OW can flirt, say I love you, plan on getting an apartment together and just be friends now. He said what I am asking him to do is like "asking someone to jump off a cliff because you love them". I was pretty sure H was going to come home, but now i am almost positive he won't come home. Just like a little kid he is trying to see if I am going to budge on him seeing OW. I am not. I am tired of being treated like a second rate wife and he doesn't understand why I am saying he can't see her or talk to her. He said what is "appropriate contact for just friends". "10 times and on the 11th time it is now more than friends". He is so sarcastic and it is all because things are not done with them. I am done though. I was nice and said good night, but emotionally I am done. Even if he says he wants to come home, I don't think I can say ok. He hasn't gone to counseling and will just see her behind my back. He won't change because he doesn't want to. He keeps saying we can't work because he hurt me too much...yes, but we can still work if he is willing. He also asked why I am basing love on how much we give up for each other. I said I am just asking him to give up one person, if he can't do that then he doesn't love me. I let him know I need this for us to work. That for us to work we both have to work together and both will need to make some sacrifices, but he doesn't understand or care.

I am sad and hurting, but I guess it is better to know. I said I want a final decision from him by next Wednesday so that leaves 9 days left. It will all be over in 9 days...very sad especially since the one year anniversary of my grandpa committing suicide is this weekend. H spend time getting a massage from OW because he "had a stiff neck and knot" instead of being with me. He chose to give the istep to his students instead of being at the viewing with me...he chose to talk to OW while at my grandma's instead of comforting me.

I am so mad at myself for putting up with him for this long. He is a selfish jerk...sorry, and I deserve so much better. I just want him to finally say we are done so I am not the bad guy so 9 more days...

H said something about how he either has to move here or in with his parents because he has no where else to go. Oh well...not my problem. He wasted $4000 this summer on who knows what, and chose to wait until now to find anything. No one will give him an apartment in two weeks.

Last kicker...he blocked me from his AIM. He turned off his phone because he got me going when I tried to stop the conversation so I wanted some type of resolution, but never got one, so he turned off his phone. I then tried to IM him since he always IM's OW, and I am blocked! Yeah blocked!

Tomorrow I may feel differently, but he hasn't changed what he has said this whole time. He doesn't know what to do because he doesn't want to give up OW because they are "just friends" and I shouldn't get to choose who he is friends or not friends with, yet he can go a week without seeing me and days without texting me. He said he will always be in a bad mood if he can't talk to OW. He has never changed from this stance so he has made his choice...10 times over and I am not going to let him keep treating me like crap so that is that...

[ClingingToHope]

Lots of stuff in there.

Sure he can get an apartment in two weeks. I cover real estate. Landlords are really hurting for applicants with a steady job. So that's not being truthful.

He just won't grow up. It took me a long time to. I never carried on this kind of thing -- not even remotely close -- but for my 20th reunion I was calling lots of people since I was on the committee. Some were exes and I remember W giving me funny looks.

I shouldn't have done that and I see that now.

I'm still unclear on a few things between H and OW. How could they be talking about getting an apartment together when she's married as well?

Blocking you from his AIM is crap as well. I guess he doesn't get that he has years to go to rebuild trust and if you somehow did let him home you'd have to have access to everything -- phone, FB, email.

Sorry it looks to be turning the other way again.

[awest1217]

I don't know if H can't get an apartment, can't afford one, or doesn't want to get one by himself.

As for H and OW they planned and even had a budget made at the end of last school year for how to live in an apartment together and how much they could save. I think she was seriously thinking about divorcing her H and just living with my H forever. He wanted a divorce at that time too so I think they were just going to live together right away. Either way he still doesn't understand how he can't be friends with her after that. For all I know he gave her the $4000 and they have a secret joint account somewhere. I don't know and he won't give her up so that is that. Having a friend is one thing, but it crossed the line long ago and it wasn't becuase he was talking to her all the time. He flirted, lived with, planned a life with her so she has to go or I do.

[ClingingToHope]

Amen.