you all are so great- I think I really handled this whole issue. I brought it up in MC. I called him on how he blew up the issue. He admitted he's working on his anger and that sometimes he backslides or is just self indulgent. He admitted that everything I said was rational and that I did say things would be different. He said part of him intellectually believes me and part of him "feels" it wouldn't be true. He admitted part of him thinks t will be the same as before and I asked him to work with me this one show to do it differently, and to check in consistently about if it's feeling better or the same or worse. He agreed.
I felt so calm afterward. I felt heard. I felt acknowledged. I felt like he's saying that although he fears things will stay the same he's willing to see if it feels better in a while. I think of the show as a way to prove this to him. H
I also brought up again about his anger and that I don't feel safe around him. I acknowledged that he has been trying to turn it around last week however. I also acknowledged that his anger triggers my childhood stuff. I was abused and neglected. I also feel so unheard when he blasts me and storms off which triggers similar stuff. He actually was able to hear this. The MC continued to emphasize that it's not what we say to each other, but how and that we both feel heard, respected and not bullied. I had also brought up how I felt bullied which of course H denied but I stood my ground for the first time on this issue. I have never before had the courage to say those words. THe MC backed me up.
Tonight we are feeling much more relaxed together. We are laughing more and sitting on the couch together. Feels safer, more open.
