flowmom | shifting from devastated to rebuilding

[flowmom]

I almost asked H not to come for bedtime routine tonight, but I didn't have the heart to deprive my kids of that...they really look forward to that as a touchstone of the day.

Today is probably the first day that I've appeared visibly upset around H in weeks. I told him that D3 has been sick, then he looked at me and asked how things were going. I said "well it's been a rough day for D3, she's really not feeling well". Then he asked how I was doing, and I said "I'm fine" but I was obviously not fine. Then I made an excuse to go out of the apt for 15 minutes, had to get away. I came back and joined in the routine.

Then after the kids were asleep I tapped away on my computer hoping he'd leave immediately.

First he fiddled around with the door that's not closing properly and offered me advice on how to fix it.

Then he initiated a convo about finances...when he was going to give me more money. He also raised the topic of the line of credit saying that he was fine with keeping it as is as long as I agreed not to use it without discussing it with him first. I said I wanted to deal with the big picture of our finances with professional help and not make piecemeal decisions about that. I said that I didn't know how I was going to get access to low interest credit with my lack of income history. He said "well, you'll have the house". I said, "I don't know if I'll have the house, the finances are complicated and I don't know what things will look like".

Then he said he didn't have time to talk now but he wanted to acknowledge how civil and considerate I've been since the separation. He said that he felt that he hasn't been as nice to me as I have to him. He said that he's trying to be nice and he wants me to let him know when he's veering off course from being pleasant and considerate, as I have been doing. I said that I felt uncomfortable with his lack of eye contact and guarded, wary behaviour. I said that it's not a competition about who's being nicer, it's about being able to act like we feel comfortable being in the same room together around the kids. He said that he was starting to feel more comfortable being here and around me, but that he was still finding it hard. I just looked at him and didn't say anything. He said "I guess it will get easier as time goes on" and I said "we'll see".

I wasn't the DB robot tonight. It's interesting though, that my showing some vulnerability triggered all of that in H. He was definitely trying to "make nice" with me.