Hey Bradley, I think I have posted to you a couple of times.
You have heard from three of my very good, wise friends - Trapt, Cat and Mach. Listen to them, they know of what they speak.
Look, you are feeling all the things you should be feeling at some point in your journey.
Here's the thing. There is no short cut through this, no crystal ball, no going around it, no wishing on a star.
Only way out is through.
So, it's ok to feel angry, sad, regret, impatience and all that. Those are the feelings that are going to get you moving if you let them. But they are also the feelings that can keep you stuck, if you let them.
This stuff is hard. Really freakin' hard. Looking at yourself with a magnifiying glass is not for the weak of heart.
And I can't promise you this is going to end the way you want it to.
But, as someone who has been on this journey a long time and who started from a very bad place, I can absolutely promise you this....
If you focus on you (and your children, of course), and the things you want to change about you, you will come out of this a better person, a stronger person - without a doubt.
So, put your marriage in a box right now, and store it safely away.
And resolve to do the work. Really do the work.
You can do this. One day at a time. Dont look at the big picture. Dont look at what ifs and should haves.
Start with one thing. One thing that you want to change about yourself. And then figure out how to go about that.
It has to be real, though. It has to be for you. It has to be something you really and truly want to change because you know in your heart and soul that it's necessary in order for you to be the person you were meant to be.
Have you noticed I am talking all about you? Not your marriage, not your wife. YOU. One thing, one day.
despite my claim to GAL out of the blocks I did ok until about 10 am.. then didn't have much to do and my brain was cycling (no wife, no kids, all alone, taking a job not being a heart surgeon... blah blah blah).
I felt terrible-- though W called at 1030 to tell me about my boy, that she was thinking of me... all things that make detatching really hard.
ok so I made myself go to the gym. I saw some dudes playing pickup basketball. I played... now I am a good athlete... but I suck at basketball. but I had fun. and I interacted with some other people... made some baskets.. it felt great.
I ran home to get my shoes and W had called, texted, emailed and called home phone.. I called and I was in a happy mood. she said she had been thinking of me today- had good session with her therapist..has better understanding of her anxiety. the crazy thing was I had a very.. sterile-- not sure that is the word-- reaction to it. I was heading back for full court and was preoccupied a bit for that. she kindof kept me on the phone to tell me more about her day and how she was feeling. but I didn't feel up or down about it. but I was nice... so I felt like I was riding that perfect knife edge of detatchment but also being loving and respectful. we'll see if it lasts... but it felt a little like a breakthrough-- all from some hoops and bangin around with some other dudes.
I think I found something important. I need to get out and do team type sports with other people. this was very helpful to me. now I am tired. perhaps I will sleep.
Its weird. I was just about to post to you and tell you that I thought you were doing really well-- and that I was going to give you some sh*t for only getting a 93 and 95... funny.
thank you for your thoughtful post. it always amazes me that people can be so generous, so thoughtful-- when they are going through there own gauntlet... of fire? not sure about that analogy.
but thank you. and what's the deal with grannie shorts?
see my post about the basketball. I have always been a bit of a loner (and excelled at loner type sports). well guess what happens when you are a loner... you end up alone! and that sucks. so I figured out that the more sports I can get into that involve other people... the better. I am an athlete. that is something that I've lost a bit. so I'm going to get that back-- but more emphasis on team sports. it will get me interacting with people, perhaps make some friends.
again. be strong. you are really doing well from everything you say.
Now you're talking! See that, you figured out you need to be on a team. You're getting it. Everyone does in their own time, their own way. No only way, just the right way for you.
You will have to go back a couple of posts on my thread to see what the granny panties are about. Just some of my friends having some fun with me.
Yep, a special bunch of people on here - that's for sure.
Fake it til you make it when you're not sure.
Just be you, man. Can't go wrong when you are true to yourself.
Team sports are great! I am really into sports too. I could retire and be happy doing or watching sports forever. This is just an idea so for the price of it(free) take it for what it is worth. You like sports and your GAL activities are great.
This is more for you and your boys. What sports do they do? I think they are only 6? Anyway my point is how can you be involved in their sports? Like for instance I am a swimming official. My D23 swam since age 5. One thing that I am painfully aware of is that parents don't seem to be involved in their children's activities. Actually kind of a pet peeve of mine. All I am saying is that the more you are involved in their activities the better for them. My son was in cub scouts and boy scouts. The kids whose parents were involved were the ones that did the best. Son made Eagle scout by age 16.
You can be a huge influence in their lives. I know that you know this. I guess I am trying to point out one way to do this!
I'm trying to let go. I'm starting to learn that I must accept that my wife no longer wants me as her best friend, her husband, her soul mate.
I'm trying to plan my life as a single father, starting a new job in a new hospital in a new town-- alone.
trying to cope with not being a heart surgeon any more-- something I've spent my entire life working towards.
of course happy and looking forward to my new life as a man focused on being the best father for his boys.
She says she does not want a divorce. Even today she called me to talk about three marriage counselors that she thinks could be good. But why would she be wanting a marriage counselor when otherwise she wants nothing to do with me? except for money.
yet all signs point to the fact that she wants no part of me. all signs point to the fact that she is planning a life with OM.
I want to get to the point where I do not get my hopes up when she calls or leaves a message-- that she is calling to reconcile (no this has not happened)
yes these are good signs... but I guess I feel like it has been 7 months now-- with no change.
so the question is: how do I detatch when it seems she wont let me go?
last week on monday she wanted to be officially separated... wednesday she wanted to move with me to hawaii... friday we talked on the phone like old times... saturday very little contact when I had the kids and she was "alone" in her town. sunday she called to say she was feeling bad again, anxious, drove down...
the days where we have no contact she says, "thank you for a peaceful day". I wonder if she thanks the rocks and the trees for the same thing...
the pattern is I give her peaceful days..then she starts to talk about things like "I'm starting to believe in you". "do you really think you can change?"... the Hope-0-Meter starts to climb... then the withdrawl occurs... then the Hope-o-Meter crashes into the red zone.
Ha-- even as I am typing this she calls to tell me how excited she is about something that happened in a meeting-- and wanted to "share" that with me.
This morning we had a dustup. but it came from her mostly-- and she has been apologizing today about it...which is a first-- and the multiple calls are all part of that up and down game.
one thing I've been doing today is ending the calls first-- but nicely. this is a good thing for me. yes perhaps it is me exerting a little control but can't doormats exert a little control from time to time?
GALing things for today-- going through my closet and goodwilling all the clothes I don't wear.
organizing my files and bills
trying to set up moving company and switch over of my lease.
