despite my claim to GAL out of the blocks I did ok until about 10 am.. then didn't have much to do and my brain was cycling (no wife, no kids, all alone, taking a job not being a heart surgeon... blah blah blah).
I felt terrible-- though W called at 1030 to tell me about my boy, that she was thinking of me... all things that make detatching really hard.
ok so I made myself go to the gym. I saw some dudes playing pickup basketball. I played... now I am a good athlete... but I suck at basketball. but I had fun. and I interacted with some other people... made some baskets.. it felt great.
I ran home to get my shoes and W had called, texted, emailed and called home phone.. I called and I was in a happy mood. she said she had been thinking of me today- had good session with her therapist..has better understanding of her anxiety. the crazy thing was I had a very.. sterile-- not sure that is the word-- reaction to it. I was heading back for full court and was preoccupied a bit for that. she kindof kept me on the phone to tell me more about her day and how she was feeling. but I didn't feel up or down about it. but I was nice... so I felt like I was riding that perfect knife edge of detatchment but also being loving and respectful. we'll see if it lasts... but it felt a little like a breakthrough-- all from some hoops and bangin around with some other dudes.
I think I found something important. I need to get out and do team type sports with other people. this was very helpful to me. now I am tired. perhaps I will sleep.
