here we go again

[Jstar]

how can i sit here and do nothing?

i can't get my boy to his dr appointments.

h gave me the i can only be your friend, i love you but we've done to much to eachother. maybe later i could but....

same crap he's said 3 times before. yes i love you jstar i want my family

[Jstar]

with him saying be friends i have such problem with it.

how am i to have him be friend and feel ok?

he says hed come mow my lawn. only wants contact to be about kids. would watch 2 kids my work while i have conferences, i said it hurts me to much. would confuse my students.

i dont have strength to be non teary or upset in his presense

[MrBond]

"h gave me the i can only be your friend, i love you but we've done to much to eachother. maybe later i could but....

same crap he's said 3 times before. yes i love you jstar i want my family"

No he's essentially saying that he doesn't want responsibility. He's putting all the blame on the "two of you" so he doesn't have to bear the blame all by himself. Isn't he so considerate to share the burden with you? BS!

You are letting him control the situation. Turn it around and grab the reins. What do YOU want? What can YOU control?

"how am i to have him be friend and feel ok?"

The fact is that you DON'T feel okay. That's how he wants you to feel. BS again! When he says how he wants to be "friends" with you, just show him the hand and say, "uh, we're more than friends, we're actually married." Then walk away. Don't say it angrily, just matter of factly.

He'll try to get you into an argument, but don't let him. Cease control. Imagine him as a spoiled little boy who wants things done HIS way. And when he doesn't get his way, he throws a tantrum. So what do you do? You just ignore it.

[Jstar]

there is a ton i don't feel good about. every time i think of the situation i'm a blubbering mess. love the post partum baby blues.

i've been kind of stuck lately. took cab with newborn and 2.5 yr old. me all by myself loaded the car seats into cab, both kids took son to get his jaundice test, took cab to hospital where i left my car, but battery dead, latch for hood broken so took cab back to our house.

We are outa groceries, and i problem solved all day how to get us there, no cabs, can't afford cabs, home delievery of groceries to expensive, h has stroller otherwise i'd just load kidos up walk to the store pick up some stuff to get us by.

me doing that all on my own yesterday 7 days after csection, oh no pain anymore. stopped pain meds days ago,.

today d2.5 got bath and washed her hair
8 day old boy got sponge bath
i showered
fed dogs and cats
did laundry
Who needs help, well i do with the weeds out front and my car but everything else is eh ok!

h's script now is : i want a divorce, i heel my void of you with someone else, yes i love you but.....

i sent him one msg today that said i really don't know what to say to you i'm lost for words(since he did nothing to help us yesterday)i sum it all up this is gross but..me using a sock to soak up the blood since i'm out of sanitary pads)

he replies: i have to head over to your side of town let me know what you need i'll pick it up for you.

i have not responded yet. i'm really disgusted by him just ignoring us for days. granted i did something very stupid the last time he was here and he went off, i'm filing ect.

[Jstar]

I am so greatful for these two young babies and my dear d18 who sent me a contratulations gift, tears to my eyes for the sentiment.

h went and bought groceries, i put the list outside, he left groceries by the door. he first asked if i wanted him to bring the stuff in or leave it at the door. i said whatever works for you, dang that hurt, he chose to leave by the door, i didn't want to break down in front of him.

i'm not really how to proceed:

d2.5 and i are supposed to have our bonding time on saturdays for soccer, but i can not do it alone with nbson, as hard as it may be for me, i think as a 180 have h watch son while we are doing our girl stuff.

it's going to be so difficult for me, we will appear as being a family but not at all, ive heard that comment echoed in many posts, no one would know we are separated on the brink of divorce.

[Jstar]

So saturday h shows up to pick us up to go to d2.5soccer. the ride there was silent except daughter and i. practice went well d was happy kicking ball h took tons of pictures of her.

we went and got something to eat afterwards and there was some chit chat. i can't stay away from relationship talk yes all wrong.

had to go to walmart, we were there for hours, d2.5 loves to shop and walked around with womens pink fake snake skin shoes for the noise.

we talked a little bit, says oh yeh last few days i have been good, feeling guilty for putting his crap outside. says his mom doesn't want to see baby bcuz i put his crap outside and wonders why id o it. i have same answer, because h puts me and kids in the trash ignoring not helping us.

anyways bottom line was he is still so angry about things in m and holding a grudge. i probably am as well but more willing to move on.

i had to put it this way, what kind of dad r you going to be? the once twice a week visitation or the married dad with me?

the limbo and stagnate pond water we are in is making it so i can not move on. i want my marriage

uh more late baby crying

[newmama]

How in the HELL are you doing this without help? I am soooo furious with your H! Anyone who abandons their kids let alone a newborn is beyond me!!!!!

((Jstar)) I wish there was something I could do to help you! Are you on facebook?

[Kimmie Lee]

Jstar, I am curious as to why you married, but did not sponsor for resident alien status for h. It seems that you created a very unstable, squirrelly sitch from the get-go. Why?

You keep having kids now, and have no way to go after their father for child support or spousal maintenance in any effective legal way. Again, why?

This is really an impossible situation with no real legal recourse since the marriage is not really legit within the U.S.

[Jstar]

Newmama, i just manage the best i can, no way perfect.

Kimmie Lee,

I'm not sure as to what my h's legal status is, i think he is allowed in the US but since came over legally has to have a sponser, me wife file for him, get him a work permit and pay a border jump fine.

yes i did create the situation and i have had to look at it seriously within myself. i feel like i put all kinds of excuses on it and bottom line is that i feel in love with him for a few reasons, he wanted a family and since my 1st divorce not having custody of my d18 killed me(exh had lawyer i did not for trial)

I always felt failure as a mother and not like one not being able to raise my d18 see her everyday have some court order tell me when and where, how long i could see child, judge quote for deicison "I don't doubt the love the mother has for the minor child, the mother lacks character."

When i met my h i stepped slowly for a few weeks, said to just be friends with him. i was finishing my master's, had many added responsibilities at work, busy, worked out each day 2 hrs, and was in the middle of a year returning to the military(national guard) for a year to see if i wanted to stay for retirement. I had a major life friends, social everything.

for ten years my mother battled cancer and suddnely in mater of hours passed away, i cling to h for support and he gave it, i ended up getting pregnant, planned with d2.5. yes h and i moved to fast moving in planning family without really knowing each other, family ideals etc.

i took my mother's death extremely bad, we were close and i was helping raise my niece and nephew all through this, a few months after my mother passed away, my grandfather whom i lived with passed way, and my father passed away, my mother's h took up a relationship with the neighbor and then my uncle passed away from eating raw eggs for a long time(suspected on purpose by uncle's caregiver)when uncle passed away i was pregnant and a few weeks later i miscarried and tried to kill myself since h took d 2.5 the next day after d and c to his mother's house for weeks.

yes a lot to deal with and major messed up in the head in which i have had to deal with, some i've done well and some other things not.

i felt that if h and i married it would guarentee he would stay around and also the fact that he's 10 yrs younger then i, felt pressure with 2nd pregnancy to keep him around the 3rd pregnancy i needed it for me. wanted the baby more then anything with or without h.

had i known when i got married there would never be any ability to collect child support i can't say if it would have changed my mind at the time, i did feel it was not entirely right to do at the time but did it anyways because i loved him and thought he did me.

i don't know does any of this answer the question as to why?

i started the paperwork at one time to get him legit but anger blinded me from doing it and he didn't want to push me to do it as he would think i would think he just married me for papers.

another issue i have had to deal with. my sister threw out this: she said make him legal then divorce him and you can collect child support from him. not being so up on immigration laws but i think you have to stay married for 3 yrs or all immigrating work is stopped and canceled.

as far as it being legit, i don't know, do you know that for sure? like i think, he is allowed to be here, meaning no fear of deportation, but can not legally work in az, can not pass everify.

since we were not married with d2.5 a paternity test has to be done and on nbson i did not list h on birth certificate. h did not want to discuss sons name in hospital and would take off if brought it up. with him not listed on birth certificate, h has no legal standpoint to son unless he takes major legal action, and with his status it's like how do the laws of the united states pertain to him???

YES A HUGE IMPOSSIBLE SITUATION!!!!!!

[Jstar]

so h comes over tonight since hasn't seen kids since saturday and d2.5 was upset yesterday of not seeing him.

as it was left saturday he says he has feelings for me, but hates me and that's all he wants to say.

he thens asks me to look on craigs list for jobs for him.

tonight he asks if i have gotten on craigs list to look for jobs for him, i say if we are divorcing y would i look up stuff for you that means more entanglement not seperation and divorce. i say that is what divorce is no interacting in that sort of way with one another, so he brings up how he got something from the court.

yes something in nov when i went thru court for concilliation services that he never showed up. he said he refused to open it because it pissed him off so much as he reiterates that he will/would never file for divorce.

so i say: why would you want to remain married, u said you wanted a divorce, i don't want to live in limbo and we've done this do nothing for months.

he says: ok time for me to leave.

so now he's sleeping on my bed with d2.5 next to him.

WTF????

is this cake eating?

what should i be doing at this point?

I ask, so you just want me to file, he says do what you want to do.