Thanks Allen and Puppy your input is really appreciated. At this stage the only info I have about the A is what I hear from my kids. Based on my H's behaviour, my family have been trying to convince me for ages that she wasnt just a friend. The fact that my H thought is was ok to take her to my sons football match - was a big red flag for me. That is, he is now introducing her into my kids activities, which just says Step Mom for me. My S7 also said he noticed that my H put his arm around her.
I have chatted to my L today and we will asking him to disclose all his financial affairs, mediation is not an option anymore.
As I dont have the OW H's details I intend to send a friend invitation via Facebook to the OW's H. I am not giong to say anything but see what he responds with. I amure he will know who I am. I have also subtely been questioning my kids.
From now on I will not be taking any phone calls, or discussing anything with him. Everything will go through our Ls, and if it is minor maybe an email - as you know Ls are not cheap.
I will let you know how it goes with the facebook invite. Yes H will be livid but I can honestly say at this point I dont care. My response will be: I thought he needed to know.
Me 37 years young!! S11 S7 T22 M14 D final 13.05.2010 Today is the first day of the rest of my life!!! First post: D Day has arrived
No, don't tell him that the H needed to know, it says NOTHING about what damage he's doing to his kids and to his family...
It just sidesteps his betrayal... hmmm... I dunno, your call, but I don't like that response...
I hoenstly woudl'nt even bother giving him one. If he was a man he would have spoken to her H in teh first place instead of turning him into a cuckhold sneaking around him like a cheap sleazy creep...
He's a coward, when you expose him, you are just revealing what he's doing... the more angry he gets, the more UNDERHANDED he knwos his behaviour is...
If he wasn't ashamed of his actions, he would be public about them... he's hiding because he's ashamed of himself...
but, addicts will live in shame as long as they get that precious fix...
I wouldn't even bother talking to him or explaining yourself.. whatever you tell him is NOT going to register... replying is just dignifying his anger...
THe best answer to anger is silence.
WHen children throw tantrums we don't explain ourselves, we just sit back and wait it out... he's acting like a child, so treat him like one
I agree - I am not going to even consider an answer. My H doesnt like to be ignored so this will not go down well. You are right, I have noticed that he gets really angry when he knows he is wrong and then backpeddles with a text apology like that is good enough.
What do you think about my Facebook friend invite to OW's H. I dont have his details and this would be my only way of getting hold of him. I want to send a blank invite and then see how he responds.
He is quite public about what he is doing as they all go out together like a 'happy family' and do stuff. Thankfully he doesnt live close, so I dont bump into them. However just this last weekend thye wer in my territory. So no, he is not ashamed of his actions and still wont admit to an affair and also still doesnt feel he has done anything wrong. He has said he is just trying to get on with his life and can do anything he likes. When my boys are with him, they can do whatever he wants. He doesnt consider anyone but himself and what he wants.
You are right nothing I say registers - so it is silence from now on.
Me 37 years young!! S11 S7 T22 M14 D final 13.05.2010 Today is the first day of the rest of my life!!! First post: D Day has arrived
I am leaving a dictionary ref below if you are interested, but in short it means a man who's wife has been mounted by other men. To chuckhold someone, is to sleep with a man's wife... thereby turning the unfortunate male into a chuckhold...
This is a humiliating experience to have done to you - it was historically considered terribly IMMASCULATING to do this to another man... Rude, offensive, and, cause for challenge in period... But, it was also often done in SECRET so no public challenge was available...
Once exposed though, the male DOING the cuckholding was often branded a coward and shamed out of society...
------------------- cuck·old (kŭk'əld, kŏŏk'-) n. A man married to an unfaithful wife. tr.v. cuck·old·ed, cuck·old·ing, cuck·olds To make a cuckold of.
[Middle English cokewald, from Anglo-Norman *cucuald, from cucu, the cuckoo, from Vulgar Latin *cuccūlus, from Latin cucūlus.]
Word History: The allusion to the cuckoo on which the word cuckold is based may not be appreciated by those unfamiliar with the nesting habits of certain varieties of this bird. The female of some Old World cuckoos lays its eggs in the nests of other birds, leaving them to be cared for by the resident nesters.
This parasitic tendency has given the female bird a figurative reputation for unfaithfulness as well. Hence in Old French we find the word cucuault, composed of cocu, "cuckoo, cuckold," and the pejorative suffix -ald and used to designate a husband whose wife has wandered afield like the female cuckoo. An earlier assumed form of the Old French word was borrowed into Middle English by way of Anglo-Norman.
Middle English cokewold, the ancestor of Modern English cuckold, is first recorded in a work written around 1250.
cuckolding - 3 dictionary results cuck·old    /ˈkʌkəld/ Show Spelled[kuhk-uhld] Show IPA –noun
1. the husband of an unfaithful wife. –verb (used with object)
2. to make a cuckold of (a husband).
Origin: 1200–50; ME cukeweld, later cok(k)ewold, cukwold < AF *cucuald (cf. MF cucuault), equiv. to OF cocu cuckoo + -ald, -alt pejorative suffix (see ribald); appar. orig. applied to an adulterer, in allusion to the cuckoo's habit of laying its eggs in other birds' nests
No, don't tell him that the H needed to know, it says NOTHING about what damage he's doing to his kids and to his family...
It just sidesteps his betrayal... hmmm... I dunno, your call, but I don't like that response...
I hoenstly woudl'nt even bother giving him one. If he was a man he would have spoken to her H in teh first place instead of turning him into a cuckhold sneaking around him like a cheap sleazy creep...
EASSSY, big fellah. There will be PLENTY of opportunity to land truth darts as we go forward. The simplicity of the very first response -- when the cheating spouse is so desperately looking for one -- to be a very dismissive "I felt he needed to know the truth," is very effective. Besides, ANYTHING ELSE WILL ATTEMPT TO BE DEBATED by her husband, and I don't think she's ready yet to get into debates with him, do you?
The problem with silence is, there's a slight chance they don't think you got the message. Sometimes leaving the crappy waitress a NICKEL for a tip, sends a more powerful message than leaving her NONE. After this very simple response, she can follow up with nothing but SILENCE.
I was on my nightly walk to the pharmacy for my prescription for my flu...
I was thinking about this cuckold thing...
It's a very old word.. medieval in fact...
This is a modern world... why on earth am I using such an antiquated term?
We have nuclear missiles, machines that can fly beyond the speed of sound, global communication systems that transfer data in seconds across the world...
But, I am using this old word...
Well, the ACT is still DONE...
How modern are we?
We are modernized technologicaly, but morally, we really haven't grown that much...
Cell phones, hot running water, genetic engineering... But we still creep around in the dark mounting other people's wives... Four thousand years of civilization and we are still doing this horrible thing to other people... All I can do is shake my head.
Yup, I know lea that your Husband is not sneaking around in the dark... or IS he?
Has he contacted OWH? Does he travel past OWH's house holding her hand? WOULD he?
Is he being public, or is he just being publically careful?
Would he walk up to OWH's door and say something like :
"Hello, you don't know me, but I recently met your wife, and I understand you two are separated. I would like to invite her out, but I certaily don't want to step on any toes... So I would like to clear the air and make sure you are both ok with my dating your wife.. if not, I will happily step aside and allow you two to resolve things first... far be it for me to be an interference on something that isn't over."
Would he do something like this? Why hasn't he? Certainly he's not afraid is he?
Well, you said he would be VERY ANGRY or something to that effect, if you exposed him to OWH... why angry? If he's OK with what he's doing, why react angrily at all? If what HE is doing is OK then there should BE no reaction... none at all...
When a spouse reacts animatedly to exposure, this paralell's their shame...
The angrier they are... the more you have humiliated them...
So, yes, shame and not contacting the OWH with so much as a head's up would tell me we have not progressed far at all...
EASSSY, big fellah. There will be PLENTY of opportunity to land truth darts as we go forward. The simplicity of the very first response -- when the cheating spouse is so desperately looking for one -- to be a very dismissive "I felt he needed to know the truth," is very effective. Besides, ANYTHING ELSE WILL ATTEMPT TO BE DEBATED by her husband, and I don't think she's ready yet to get into debates with him, do you?
The problem with silence is, there's a slight chance they don't think you got the message. Sometimes leaving the crappy waitress a NICKEL for a tip, sends a more powerful message than leaving her NONE. After this very simple response, she can follow up with nothing but SILENCE.
Just my opinion.
Puppy
I can think of better nickles to leave this waitress than that remark, but... I will step back from that one... I am already exhausted lol
There will be PLENTY of opportunity to land truth darts as we go forward. The simplicity of the very first response -- when the cheating spouse is so desperately looking for one -- to be a very dismissive "I felt he needed to know the truth," is very effective. Besides, ANYTHING ELSE WILL ATTEMPT TO BE DEBATED by her husband, and I don't think she's ready yet to get into debates with him, do you?